#venting feeling like a burden..

[wandergirl]

so...first off, i wanna say im not on here much.. so i don't see responses or anything. that's because i use this in secret and when i feel like I can't go to my friends or partner. ~~ from my previous entries, I've talked about living with my partners parents & just Instacart and stuff like that. well, now, long story short, his parents only want me to sleep here. nothing else. meaning no hanging out for long hours. only here to sleep and take a break from instacart. my presence is too much, i think anyway, for them. they said they'll loosen up after awhile. the hell I've put them through? wouldn't blame them. walked out of their house at 5 am pissed and delirious because i wanted to go back to nyc. yeah, i said some scary things so they called the cops. if you've been to hospital before or have dealt with authority while you're in.. hmm maybe an episode, then maybe you too like to test the waters and speak and your mind. i wasn't saying anything crazy but i just said i was fine and i didn't need to be evaluated. then they told me to get on the stretcher. and well.. my little episode cost me being tightly handcuffed to the thing. i was screaming and kicking and then i just shut up and went limp bc my last healthy brain cell said "hey b, it's 5 am.. wtf are u doing?". anyways, hospital for a couple hours and then went back to nyc lik i wanted to... but then realized that commuting back and forth to NYC for an apartment i couldn't afford was ridiculous. so i decided to pack my things and move. now im here and homeless. trying to get ahold of the system to help me, but y'all know they are slow at help sometimes. so im here and i got a job for hosting kid parties. i quit after the first day. my anxiety was too much. now im jobless. again. been filling out applications and got a few responses. might respond back to Sonic. anyways, at this very moment, I have a love hate relationship with my hair. if you're a poc, you know what i mean. my boyfriend is not a poc... neither are the people that work at the salon that his mom works at and i wanted to go to. but my hair.. it's a mess. i don't even let my boyfriend peek at it. why would i let them? he says he understands but he's upset bc he's wasted his mom's time, and the guys time that was going to do my hair, and his time because he could've been working while i was showering (even though i thought he was?) so now, that means, I've wasted everyone's time. it's a small thing to be like "i should runaway or d!e or something", but there's only so many things a person can take. i feel like i have schizophrenia and with that comes hyperreality and things like that. so not only do i feel like im losing my mind, i feel like im losing my life. and not because i want to, but because what does this world have to offer but just dreams? dreams that i feel like i can't reach. feeling like a burden. really thinking about running away or something. feeling like a burden.

 

[jodes2]

Well done for putting up a good fight in this life! It's quite inspirational, I'm sorry you're going through this. You should be very proud of yourself I wish I knew what else to say but I'm hardly a resourceful person so I'll leave it here I think, sorry you're here

 

[wandergirl]

Well done for putting up a good fight in this life! It's quite inspirational, I'm sorry you're going through this. You should be very proud of yourself I wish I knew what else to say but I'm hardly a resourceful person so I'll leave it here I think, sorry you're here

thank you, kindred soul your words right there, are enough resources for me.

 

[cassxtho]

I've never experienced this personally, but I am so sorry you have to go through this. I've had episodes too and welfare checks are always treated as more of a threat then something helpful...

Goodluck with the job search, I have extreme anxiety from ADHD so I understand it. I've had managers pull me aside and threaten to fire me if I don't act "happier" when I was in the middle of a panic attack. You're not a burden for these things, you've been setback by unfair conditions and it's ridiculous for anyone to expect you to overcome these things alone. I don't know if this advice is helpful for you, but as a person with anxiety as well, try looking for work doing filing at a law firm, or some type of minimum wage office work that nobody else wants to do. It's shitty work all around, but it's quiet and for the most part (when I did it) they leave you alone. Only thing is you have to dress in business casual as it's a more professional setting.

Goodluck with everything. Hold your head high, oftentimes the "weakest" people are the strongest.