since i started taking medication again my self harm relapses have been much less frequent (which i suppose should be a good sign, but it just makes me uncomfortable to think about to be honest... i still have all the feelings i had when i would cut on a daily basis, they are just now in a very tightly sealed bottle deep down inside me) but last night i did relapse. not severely, but enough for me to still be able to see the marks upon waking. i got up late this afternoon not really knowing how to feel about it. i've been numb or irritated all day. i just feel really lost and i don't know what to do to try and feel better. it's like i have exhausted every option.
i'm trying the traditional clean eating/regular exercise route again but nothing is filling the void. everything still gets on my nerves, makes me sad, or angry. i tried journaling, writing, trying to pick my subconscious apart, analysing my every thought, wanting so badly to find out what exactly made me like this, but it was just too much. i feel like so much has happened to me, i have experienced so many (subjectively) horrible things which have in turn given me the most awful, ridiculous coping mechanisms. and reliving my traumas alone in order to try and 'fix whatever is wrong' is painful and difficult. yet i feel as though i have to do it, because no one else will listen to me. my own family don't believe me. saying "it was too long ago to still be that much of a bother to you." i can't access any type of help, because it relies on me getting the process started, and i simply do not have the energy to do so. i want so badly to scream all of this to someone who could do something about it, but i suppose no one can really do anything now. i am damaged beyond repair. i cannot come back from this. my life will either continue as the living hell it is today, or i will leave and seek peace. i just wish i wasn't so unsure about suicide. i wish i could do it without hurting the few people i have left.
i do think i've gotten a little better than how i was before, when my worst ways of coping/distraction (drug abuse, hypersexuality, incessant self harm.. et cetera) had a tight grip on me, but the memories of all those traumatic experiences will not leave me alone. i get flashbacks now, when i lie in bed unable to sleep. they frighten me, my own mind frightens me, in so many different ways. my latest strange symptom is tactile and visual hallucinations. i don't really think i want to keep on living if the possibility that awful things, or similar things, will happen to me again. and i feel like my self destructive tendencies will lead me that way again. they sort of are doing that already, and it's exhausting, really. i can't stand this.
i feel like i've written a bit of a novel, but it's good to get this out, i think. and apologies if it is a little confused, i am tired. and thank you if you read this. i'm so grateful to be able to vent like this and not feel judged.
i'm trying the traditional clean eating/regular exercise route again but nothing is filling the void. everything still gets on my nerves, makes me sad, or angry. i tried journaling, writing, trying to pick my subconscious apart, analysing my every thought, wanting so badly to find out what exactly made me like this, but it was just too much. i feel like so much has happened to me, i have experienced so many (subjectively) horrible things which have in turn given me the most awful, ridiculous coping mechanisms. and reliving my traumas alone in order to try and 'fix whatever is wrong' is painful and difficult. yet i feel as though i have to do it, because no one else will listen to me. my own family don't believe me. saying "it was too long ago to still be that much of a bother to you." i can't access any type of help, because it relies on me getting the process started, and i simply do not have the energy to do so. i want so badly to scream all of this to someone who could do something about it, but i suppose no one can really do anything now. i am damaged beyond repair. i cannot come back from this. my life will either continue as the living hell it is today, or i will leave and seek peace. i just wish i wasn't so unsure about suicide. i wish i could do it without hurting the few people i have left.
i do think i've gotten a little better than how i was before, when my worst ways of coping/distraction (drug abuse, hypersexuality, incessant self harm.. et cetera) had a tight grip on me, but the memories of all those traumatic experiences will not leave me alone. i get flashbacks now, when i lie in bed unable to sleep. they frighten me, my own mind frightens me, in so many different ways. my latest strange symptom is tactile and visual hallucinations. i don't really think i want to keep on living if the possibility that awful things, or similar things, will happen to me again. and i feel like my self destructive tendencies will lead me that way again. they sort of are doing that already, and it's exhausting, really. i can't stand this.
i feel like i've written a bit of a novel, but it's good to get this out, i think. and apologies if it is a little confused, i am tired. and thank you if you read this. i'm so grateful to be able to vent like this and not feel judged.
