Venting just a vent

[wannabesoftware]

first post... i feel kind of like an imposter here because so many people have it way worse than me. like theoretically i'm very lucky and don't have it that bad. yet i still feel miserable all the time and can't imagine myself having a future. i just graduated from university and got broken up with by my gf, so now i'm completely untethered. i was going to stay in the same area for my partner, but now that we're not together and they don't talk to me or even seem to care about me at all, there's no reason for me to be here. but i don't know where else to go. i have to apply to jobs and start working but i just can't do it. every time i try to even think about the idea of job searching, all i can think of is suicide. i don't really know if i am capable of happiness. i feel like i experience emotions on a scale of miserable to okay. and all i want is to be happy.

i don't think i was ever suicidal like this before the breakup. i would look at suicide resources and stuff because i found it somewhat comforting but i never thought of it as something i would actually do. i thought "why would you kill yourself because things went wrong in your life, when you could just change your life? do something crazy and start over?" but now it's not just my circumstances that are wrong, it's my brain. i think the breakup taught me that i am too depressed to be loved. they broke up with me because i was too miserable. they told me they still cared, still wanted to be friends, wanted to hear about my life and how medication was going (they broke with me on the same day i tried lexapro for the first time lol), but then they told me talking to me was too hard. they said dating me was too hard, having sex with me was too hard, being my friend was too hard. they're the only person i feel like i've ever been truly emotionally vulnerable with and it just completely backfired on me. i kind of wish i had never gotten close to them, stayed distant like i usually do. but our relationship also probably gave me some of the happiest times in my life.

i just struggle sometimes to feel like it's worth it to interact with others irl. it can be the happiest i feel but also can be the scariest and make me the most miserable in the end. now i spend most of my time in bed on my laptop. it doesn't make me happy but it's safe and i can keep myself distracted so i'm not too miserable. but i'm just wasting my life, waiting for nothing. i live on an air mattress in my aunt and grandma's house. i can't stay here forever, but if i try to think about doing anything for my future, i start crying. i don't want to kill myself in my family's home because i don't want to traumatize my aunt like that but just getting out of bed can be so difficult and i don't know how i would do it or where. and regardless i will end up hurting people / my family. i don't even necessarily want to kill myself. i feel like the human brain struggles to comprehend its own death, like i can't imagine being dead. i imagine failing and wonder how people would react if they hear i tried to kill myself. at first i thought of killing myself to get back at my ex and the friend they left me for. like i wonder if they'd feel bad about the way they treated me and what they're doing, if my death would lead to their demise or just bring them closer together. of course if i'm dead i'd never know how people would react. but i'm not interested in "suicide gestures," if i kill myself i'm making sure it works.

it sucks that there's such a taboo around suicide that i don't feel like i can talk to anyone besides on anonymous platforms like this. i vaguely tried to reach out for help by filling out a pre-therapy-session survey about suicidality truthfully (so it got marked as "high-risk") but my therapist didn't bring it up or anything. i read the therapy notes and he just said i seemed "depressed or sleep deprived" and marked me as low-risk for suicide. so idk if anyone even looks at those tests or cares lmao. idk i just want to feel better but i don't know how to do that. i took a really low dose of lexapro that i feel like did not affect me at all, but now i'm out of it and idk how to make a new med eval appointment. i've been taking edibles most nights which i think helps a little? idk if this belongs in suicide discussion or recovery, sorry. i'm just venting / looking for advice or support or anything.

 

[CatLvr]

First of all, welcome to the forum. You will find this place to be warm and understanding and full of folks who know how you feel. You will find a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to listen. I came here looking for a way to ctb. I have stayed because I learned ways to cope with my feelings and am no longer quite as keen to catch the bus now, and would like think I can return the favor. Pay it forward, if you will.

Second, wow, dude! That is a LOT to unpack all at once. Stop and give yourself a little grace. I'm glad you have a place to stay and recognize what you ctb now would do to your aunt.

Read through the Resources Forum here. There may be some ideas there, or help there, that you haven't thought of.

If you have questions, ASK. Take the usual precautions when visiting with anonymous people on the internet. If anything feels fishy report it to the mods. They will take care of it in short order.

Finally, whatever you decide (whether to hang around a little longer -- we hope you do -- or ctb) we will support you as best a bunch of strangers on the internet can. We are a pro-choice forum. That choice is yours.

 

[voc_89]

Hi. Okay. Read your post. A bit to unpack but will try my best to do so carefully. It might sound like false words but I get u. I am not trivializing your experience but as an example I went through something similar with my first ever girlfriend. 2010 to 2012 (also in college). Like u my world felt like it came to a crashing end. I also trusted her to all and opened myself up and showed the darkest parts of myself to her (like my self cutting and CTB ideation). It sucks. That the person u trusted the most. To show your real self. The person without the mask on. U. They rejected u. And they started to pursue someone else. As seems like the case here (which I could tell was coming... its always the same). I note that it always seemed like u had a CTB ideation (u will get to terms with the acronyms) but u weren't fully in. It means u had some experience that made u contemplate CTB. Sorry u went through this. More sorry that u thought u found 'the one' and it blew up. I also thought about some of your decisions. That is to CTB as a way to spite her and her new relationship. But after a while I was like that was really dumb. Sorry but I still hold that view. To CTB to spite someone. I refuse to give 1 person so much control over my life that my entire being depends on how they 'fancy' me. I wouldn't lie though lol it took a while to get there. I did all the embarrassing shit before then. Drunk calls. Showing up uninvited. Etc. LMAO! CRINGE! Its rough. It sucks. What helped me through that moment was my male friends. This was before Red Pill content. But they really pushed me into the truest sense of that sphere. Self improvement. Working on u. Going to the gym. Your career/prospects. Trying to become a man that she would always regret dumping. I think I have done so. In my country I am lets say in the top 5% income bracket (not earner but bracket). If I can do it u can to. U just have to channel that energy elsewhere. Its not easy. Um. I went and I pursued a Msc in Financial Economics in a foreign country. At the time I didn't know how tf that would turn out but I wanted far away from my ex (my country is small so I met her and the new guy a few times lol). I channelled all my energy into that. That I would be the best in that field and that would show her. That she would regret and take me back. Eventually that turned into lets say indifference on her. The point was to do something that took her off the pedestal. I don't know your situation. But if u can. Whether it be job wise or education. My advice is to do the same. To put all your energies into whatever u doing that will eventually make u reach a stage where she regrets breaking up with u cause trust and believe. It was like this in my era 10 years ago (that ex has 3 different kids from 3 different guys) and got worst since. U were the best she will get. Its all downhill from there. I speak from experience being how u used to be about 12 years ago lol.

 

[wannabesoftware]

Hi. Okay. Read your post. A bit to unpack but will try my best to do so carefully. It might sound like false words but I get u. I am not trivializing your experience but as an example I went through something similar with my first ever girlfriend. 2010 to 2012 (also in college). Like u my world felt like it came to a crashing end. I also trusted her to all and opened myself up and showed the darkest parts of myself to her (like my self cutting and CTB ideation). It sucks. That the person u trusted the most. To show your real self. The person without the mask on. U. They rejected u. And they started to pursue someone else. As seems like the case here (which I could tell was coming... its always the same). I note that it always seemed like u had a CTB ideation (u will get to terms with the acronyms) but u weren't fully in. It means u had some experience that made u contemplate CTB. Sorry u went through this. More sorry that u thought u found 'the one' and it blew up. I also thought about some of your decisions. That is to CTB as a way to spite her and her new relationship. But after a while I was like that was really dumb. Sorry but I still hold that view. To CTB to spite someone. I refuse to give 1 person so much control over my life that my entire being depends on how they 'fancy' me. I wouldn't lie though lol it took a while to get there. I did all the embarrassing shit before then. Drunk calls. Showing up uninvited. Etc. LMAO! CRINGE! Its rough. It sucks. What helped me through that moment was my male friends. This was before Red Pill content. But they really pushed me into the truest sense of that sphere. Self improvement. Working on u. Going to the gym. Your career/prospects. Trying to become a man that she would always regret dumping. I think I have done so. In my country I am lets say in the top 5% income bracket (not earner but bracket). If I can do it u can to. U just have to channel that energy elsewhere. Its not easy. Um. I went and I pursued a Msc in Financial Economics in a foreign country. At the time I didn't know how tf that would turn out but I wanted far away from my ex (my country is small so I met her and the new guy a few times lol). I channelled all my energy into that. That I would be the best in that field and that would show her. That she would regret and take me back. Eventually that turned into lets say indifference on her. The point was to do something that took her off the pedestal. I don't know your situation. But if u can. Whether it be job wise or education. My advice is to do the same. To put all your energies into whatever u doing that will eventually make u reach a stage where she regrets breaking up with u cause trust and believe. It was like this in my era 10 years ago (that ex has 3 different kids from 3 different guys) and got worst since. U were the best she will get. Its all downhill from there. I speak from experience being how u used to be about 12 years ago lol.

i wasn't going to actually ctb as a way to spite my ex, it's just something i thought about lol. and i'm not trying to interact with them in any way. if i do ctb it's not because of them it's because i'm tired of being miserable all the time. putting aside the actual relationship, i'm also mourning my idea of my future. because in my head we would stay together forever and i would live in the same area and keep my friendships and stuff. my whole future and most of my social life was tied to them. so now i feel like i have nothing. i can't channel my energy elsewhere because i don't have any energy. i barely go outside or even get out of my bed. i hung out with some people yesterday and just felt indifferent. like i kinda just wished i was back in bed or like i was just waiting for it to be over. i've never really been to a gym because it scares me, i don't want people looking at me. it just feels easier to be alone in my room and not interact with people irl. but i can't really live a life that way i think. idk i've always felt kinda like a hermit and like, borderline agoraphobic at times? them and the guy they left me for were the 2 people i was hanging out with all the time so now that they're gone from my life i've lost the people i spent most of my time talking to and leaving my house for. i'm trying to talk to other friends a bit but it just feels kinda pointless bc it's not like i really enjoy it, it just seems like what i'm supposed to do, but i end up feeling about the same but also uncomfortable about the vulnerability. i wish i could focus on career but thinking about it makes me cry so i just waste time on my computer.

 

[voc_89]

Just read your response. What I say is based on what I read. So, from what I read.... "at first i thought of killing myself to get back at my ex and the friend they left me for" brought me back to well when I had those same thoughts. Hence why i proclaimed lol "I am not trivializing your experience but as an example I went through something similar with my first ever girlfriend". With respect to future. I thought of it all. CRINGE! Nice house, white picket fence, solid schools for the kids (I wanted a boy first and then a girl.... thinking was the boy would look after the girl... reinforcing well as a man you have to look after whats important in your life) but it dind't pan out. It hurt. It hurt badly. My entire being was because of her (as u also indicate). I did get a job like 10 months after the breakup. Let me see.... it paid about $1500 US at the time (i am in a.... 'developing region') which was a gold mine at the time lol. But i was surprised I wasn't fired as I had 0 incentive to well carve a name for myself. I listened to The All-American Rejects album The All-American Rejects (google it) daily then (I HATE U... I AM GOING TO DO THAT NOW.... THANKS FOR BRINGING UP MEMORIES... jk slightly). I am so glad I had my male friends at the time. They really brought some good perspective on self development and betterement. By the time I left them (in a different country due to my Msc), I moved from only being with 1 woman in my whole life to about 5 women in 1 year during my Msc programme (I didn't care about relationships then... just fun). Gym is scary but u can't be worse than me LOL. When I started I could only bench press the women's bar (35 pounds). I could only do bicep curls with 10 pound weights. Squats? LOL. Only leg press with the machine for me (about I think 50 pounds). I was abysmal. I kept it up. Now I bench 225. Squat 150 (idgaf women don't watch legs they watch upper body). Bicep curl 40 pounds. Gym is intimidating but any real man in the gym never frowns on newcomers. I was never ever made to feel like less by the 'veterans'. Even when I was stuggling to bench the womens bar. And now as a 'veteran' I do the same for newcomers. No one in gym judges newcomers willing to better themself. If they do. They a punk. Ignore them. They probably sauced to the gills. I know its not ez. When my gf then broke my heart man i thought it was over. I legit was like I had nothing to live for. My flatmate at the time told me, a few years later, he was like I honestly thought u would have dropped out (LMAO i was prepared to do way more than that). It sucks. It hurts. IT HURTS! I sympathise with u deeply. All i can say is I am an example of well u can survive this. Don't get me wrong I will CTB as SOON AS i have a very bad day. But I am here and well making it. I am going to listen to my All american rejects now (lol) but I will return and be active as much as possible for maybe a week again (i am often in the shadows but this stupid BBC article fuels me to make u guys know this is a place of acceptance... whatever u choose... CTB or otherwise we here for u.... just not CTB for a relationship.... can't support that).