Venting venting about my situation and a bit about hospitals

[Jinnberg]

(The first few parts of this post are me venting about my mom, then about hospitals, I really wouldn't recommend reading any of this as it's just a jumbled mess, I just needed to get this all off my chest)

I'm not sure how to start this, but I got discharged from the hospital a few days ago for a failed attempt my mom found out about. I would move out but I just turned 19 and I don't have a reliable source of income (I make money off of art commissions and I deliver pizzas) I also live in an area where rent is high and I can't just move to another state without my mom trying to put me into a mental institution.

For the time being, I'm trapped in this endless cycle of suffering and being too incompetent to successfully kill myself.

Any package I order would be found by my mother or sister, my mother doesn't let me out of her sight, I can't even leave the house without her calling me every 30 minutes, I can't even lock the door to my room.

It's absolutely humiliating to live this way, and on top of all this my mother is trying to send me to a residential treatment facility against my will. I'm not sure of the legality of this, but she said she would call the cops on me again if I didn't comply with this request.

I used to attempt suicide every month, now it's every 2 weeks. I'm bound to get it right eventually yeah? I just can't be sloppy like I was last time.

I'm usually careful, but one slip up and you're found out and put into the loony bin.

I'm honestly just exhausted, this is the only place I can say what's truly on my mind without being put into a hospital. Hospitals are one of my main triggers, it's honestly inhumane how people make me relive my traumas again and again, as if that would solve anything.

They even have the audacity to get angry if you merely suggest putting people in psych wards doesn't help anyone and only causes further psychological damage. Having to act like you're okay despite the fact half your traumas were from being put into a mental hospital in order to get out is the worst part of it for me.

I'm just rambling on so I apologize if this is all over the place, I'm just venting about a multitude of things as I can't do this anywhere else.

 

[TooConscious]

Do not worry about 'loony bin' they are full and it's incredibly difficult to get admitted you go to the hospital and say you want to kill yourself... They show you the door and wave you off with a fake smile of how positive your situation now is because they told you a worker will visit you the next day.... Who rarely turns up.
Systems in crisis and you don't need to give in to their fear porn of "oh no ill get lock up forever and be clawing the walls!"
Half of the people who get sectioned are criminals faking it who know how to play the mental health game to keep out of prison and lesser consequences, or people who were trying to fight the corrupt institutions.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much, it can be hard to take our lives and hospitals are my worst nightmare. I see a right to die as really important. I wish you well.

 

[Molded foundation]

Hope you're doing alright. I remember this post when I was a lurker and was too chicken to join this forum. I had a familiar experience when I was younger. I hated mental hospitals and the one I went to was run down and the staff was mean as snakes. I kinda have a weird nostalgia thing though with the "sterile" smell, food, cold November air seeping through the window and almost freezing me to death, and a strange feeling of bliss. I was in there for almost starving to death, because I had delusions of being a monk in a cave somewhere in the middle east. Those were bizarre times. I believe in you.