purple417
Member
- Sep 17, 2023
- 28
i rly want to ctb soon. ive had a shitty childhood and everyone always says "life will get better" but it just keeps getting worse for me and idk how else to escape from this. ive been suicidal since i was 10 and i even made a promise to myself when i was 12 that ill try to make it to 18. well i turned 18 in august and all i feel is regret that i didnt ctb earlier. ive just been suffering for all those years that i refused to ctb all bc of this small sliver of hope i had when i was a kid. my trauma and mental illness dictates my life. i feel like my brain is constantly working overtime to protect me that i cant experience any happiness in life. im constantly numb and i fake my emotions. even rn im just staring blankly at my phone while i write this. im just so fucking tired. i rly want to ctb but also i feel my mind is fighting over wanting to get better and wanting to ctb. i mostly want to ctb bc im cynical and just see life as pointless and i see the world as a shitty place anyways so whats the point? theres a small part of me tho that wants to get better and wants to try. i wanna get rid of that part of myself so badly bc its not gonna be worth it anyways. i cant get better. im just gonna keep getting worse but i cant seem to get rid of it so its just a constant tug of war in my mind. if anyone has any advice to get rid of this plz lmk. im just gonna plan out a ctb out and hopefully i have the willpower at that point to go thru with it. sorry if this vent was messy. i just needed to let everything out