Venting venting about everything

[purple417]

i rly want to ctb soon. ive had a shitty childhood and everyone always says "life will get better" but it just keeps getting worse for me and idk how else to escape from this. ive been suicidal since i was 10 and i even made a promise to myself when i was 12 that ill try to make it to 18. well i turned 18 in august and all i feel is regret that i didnt ctb earlier. ive just been suffering for all those years that i refused to ctb all bc of this small sliver of hope i had when i was a kid. my trauma and mental illness dictates my life. i feel like my brain is constantly working overtime to protect me that i cant experience any happiness in life. im constantly numb and i fake my emotions. even rn im just staring blankly at my phone while i write this. im just so fucking tired. i rly want to ctb but also i feel my mind is fighting over wanting to get better and wanting to ctb. i mostly want to ctb bc im cynical and just see life as pointless and i see the world as a shitty place anyways so whats the point? theres a small part of me tho that wants to get better and wants to try. i wanna get rid of that part of myself so badly bc its not gonna be worth it anyways. i cant get better. im just gonna keep getting worse but i cant seem to get rid of it so its just a constant tug of war in my mind. if anyone has any advice to get rid of this plz lmk. im just gonna plan out a ctb out and hopefully i have the willpower at that point to go thru with it. sorry if this vent was messy. i just needed to let everything out

 

[Zaphkiel]

Oh i was thinking in the other thread...well nvm a mod will prolly merge.
I dont think my childhood was as shitty as yours, it was not perfect, but not so bad....not good either but well.
The good part about being 18? you're an adult. If you can get some degree / diploma (?? words??) done all the better and you get the fuck out of where you are and do your better life on your own without all those things dragging you down.
But yes, it take a while, we're talking years here.
I did flee from my house at 19y old, and went 500km away. Honestly? i was still mostly alone (couldnt drop my computer at that point of my life but had fun online) but i discovered a lot of thing, got a job...it was a worthwile experience.
Well, it's been a long time ago and we're visiting the same website so you could tell all i did was for nothing but those years were not without difficulty, but were still bliss.

It's a thing to try before abandonning all hope, i think. Just my opinion.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring being in that situation, I get that it's awful when existing just continues to get worse, it certainly is such a cruel existence where people suffer so much. But anyway best wishes.

 

[purple417]

Oh i was thinking in the other thread...well nvm a mod will prolly merge.
I dont think my childhood was as shitty as yours, it was not perfect, but not so bad....not good either but well.
The good part about being 18? you're an adult. If you can get some degree / diploma (?? words??) done all the better and you get the fuck out of where you are and do your better life on your own without all those things dragging you down.
But yes, it take a while, we're talking years here.
I did flee from my house at 19y old, and went 500km away. Honestly? i was still mostly alone (couldnt drop my computer at that point of my life but had fun online) but i discovered a lot of thing, got a job...it was a worthwile experience.
Well, it's been a long time ago and we're visiting the same website so you could tell all i did was for nothing but those years were not without difficulty, but were still bliss.

It's a thing to try before abandonning all hope, i think. Just my opinion.

oh i didnt know i was just supposed to put it in the other thread. oops. im too depressed to leave and live alone. i have zero motivation to do basic shit and taking care of myself is extremely draining for me soo

It must be tiring being in that situation, I get that it's awful when existing just continues to get worse, it certainly is such a cruel existence where people suffer so much. But anyway best wishes.

thank u! u as well. i hate existing sm rn. i just wanna leave but also part of me still doesnt wanna even tho its clearly the best choice for me

 

[Zaphkiel]

oh i didnt know i was just supposed to put it in the other thread. oops. im too depressed to leave and live alone. i have zero motivation to do basic shit and taking care of myself is extremely draining for me soo

Oh i know that a lot. It comes and go. It's by period really.
Also you're not alone anymore. There is another Xiao enjoyer right here!

 

[purple417]

i dont think its by periods anymore. it doesnt come and go for me. its always there. ive struggled to do basic shit for years now. it used to come and go but now its here and im sure its gonna stay forever

 

[Zaphkiel]

Yeah it's kinda glued to you, i know this feeling. I was hard gaming till my early 30's so i perfeclty know haha.
Still gaming tho.
A bit less hard.

But hey, you do you, dont let social expectation make you feels bad or anything. Dont wanna clean your appartment? fuck it, you'll do it next week, or anything. then with time you're bound to change.
Imagine : i was excited to have my friday off so i could do grocery and have more time to clean my kitchen in the week end.
Such eciting stuff with ... oh...zero people
Heh.
i'm getting old.

 

[purple417]

i wanna clean my room so badly but i just cant. also im always playing games and distracting myself as a form of escape bc if i dont i will spiral and probably hurt myself