Venting about disrupted ctb attempt, and a few questions

[Rue89]

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, just to vent I guess. Well now I have a couple questions too. I've been writing this over a few days and came up with the questions today.

I had planned to ctb this past Friday at 6pm. My mom was gone for the evening. My brother and his girlfriend were gone for a while too. I figured they could be home anytime, but I didn't think they would be a problem. I took acetaminophen and propranolol, then domperidone 15 minutes later and famotidine 15 minutes after that. I would've drank SN 30 minutes later.

I had planned to test my SN before I drank it. It's from a reputable company so I'm not really worried, but just as a precaution. Well it turns out that my scale doesn't register small amounts of weight like a couple grams. It is accurate though. It started to count at 4g but I needed 2.5g. While I was trying to figure it out my brother and his girlfriend got home. My brother called out to me to tell me that he was cooking dinner for us. I had no choice but to reply then put my SN and stuff away.

I'm really frustrated that I wasn't able to ctb. I really felt ready this time. Going through each of my worries about the SN method helped a lot. I still had some anxiety, but overall I felt much more at peace with the dying process. I don't believe that death itself was ever the issue.

For most of that day I felt really lonely. I'm not sure why I felt this so strongly this time and not last time. I guess maybe last time anxiety consumed me so much that I couldn't feel much else, whereas on Friday my anxiety wasn't as bad so I could actually feel other emotions. I tried making a thread twice, but then I didn't know what to say so I deleted it. I said that I was going to ctb soon, but not exactly when. I feel like I can't say anymore, and I don't think I can express all that I'm feeling and everything that's going on without revealing it.

I also feel guilty and embarrassed about making a goodbye thread before then not going through with ctb. I was reminded of how people here really do care and the emotional toll goodbye threads have. I feel really bad about doing that to you all, just to then not go through with it. I'm sorry. I was going to post one on Friday shortly before I ctb, but now I'm so glad that I didn't get to it yet before my brother got home.

I'd like some input. When is the appropriate time to post a goodbye thread? And seeing my history should I even do one? As much as I don't want to die alone I also don't want to possibly hurt anyone here again.

I also feel bad that in my (hopefully) last days I don't want to talk to or spend time with my family. I'll be in my bedroom and my mom walks in, and before she even says anything I'm thinking "Go away! Leave me alone!" I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone except on SS. Is that wrong of me to think that way?

One more thing. How long after taking the acetaminophen, propranolol, domperidone, and famotidine can I wait to drink the SN? Does it have to be the normal regimen of acetaminophen an hour before SN and so on, or can it be a little longer? Will any of these be less effective if I wait a bit longer, like possibly 30-45 minutes? I'm wondering because on the day I'm planning to ctb I have an idea of when my mom will leave and I want to plan it around that, but in case she ends up leaving a little later I want to make sure it'll still work. I don't want to ask my mom what time she's leaving because I don't want to make her suspicious.

 

[http-410]

While I can't help with your other questions, you definitely shouldn't feel guilty or embarrassed for creating a goodbye thread but not killing yourself.

Since you took medication already, did your brother and his girlfriend notice anything?

 

[Rue89]

While I can't help with your other questions, you definitely shouldn't feel guilty or embarrassed for creating a goodbye thread but not killing yourself.

Since you took medication already, did your brother and his girlfriend notice anything?

No they didn't notice anything. The medications don't have any effects that are noticeable to other people. I'm more surprised that I was able to act normal and they didn't notice anything was wrong with me emotionally.

 

[WornOutLife]

As for the right time to post a goodbye thread, that depends on you. You'll realize when the time comes.

As for you mom, well, I would try to be nice to my parents before ctb, even to my schizophrenic mother who is literally a demon sometimes.
After all, we won't see them again once we're gone.

And as regards your last question, I have no clue.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not know about SN, but there is nothing wrong with posting an goodbye thread, people will just be supportive even if you don't actually go through with it as many of us are in similar situations. About the parents question, I would be in the same position as you as I would be so focused on going through with the method and I wouldn't have the energy to deal with anyone else, so it is understandable. I wish you the best.

 

[Rue89]

My brother is mad at me and my mom might be, I'm not sure. All because I'm a fuckup and can't drive because of my anxiety. So I'll either fuck up my brother's plans this weekend or miss visiting my dad. Either way people will be angry or annoyed with me, I suppose my dad and my brother's girlfriend too. Well I won't ruin their plans. I'll be gone by then. I was planning to ctb anyway. Now I just have one more reason to get it done asap.

As for the right time to post a goodbye thread, that depends on you. You'll realize when the time comes.

As for you mom, well, I would try to be nice to my parents before ctb, even to my schizophrenic mother who is literally a demon sometimes.
After all, we won't see them again once we're gone.

And as regards your last question, I have no clue.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

Thank you for the advice.
I'm being nice to my mom, just not spending as much time with her as I probably should. With everything going on and my anxiety any social interactions stress me out and exhaust me, so I've been mostly keeping to myself. I did spend more time with her today.

I do not know about SN, but there is nothing wrong with posting an goodbye thread, people will just be supportive even if you don't actually go through with it as many of us are in similar situations. About the parents question, I would be in the same position as you as I would be so focused on going through with the method and I wouldn't have the energy to deal with anyone else, so it is understandable. I wish you the best.

Thank you, I really needed that reassurance about the goodbye thread. I think I'll post it when I feel the need to talk. I honestly don't think I'll back out this time.

 

[Rue89]

I woke up this morning thinking about ctb, which made me think about SS and then my post yesterday. I realized that without more context it sounds very trivial and like I'm totally overreacting. I probably am somewhat, but I can't help it because of my anxiety. That whole situation made me very anxious which also started up anxiety induced anger.

Most of you probably haven't seen my posts about my brother so I should explain that he's emotionally abusive. I'm not exaggerating or overreacting about that. It's not normal sibling stuff. He loves to make me feel worthless, like I'm nothing and can't do anything right. I know he's right, but it hurts to hear him remind me of it. This is why him being mad at me affected me so much. If he were to drive me to my dad's house I'm sure he'd take more of his anger and frustration out on me on the drive there.

As for my dad, I rarely see him so I don't want to do anything to upset him. I always want to please him and not do anything wrong. I mean it's not like he does or says anything to make me feel that way, other than not having time for me. I don't want to give the wrong impression of him. I've never admitted this to anyone. I guess I haven't really admitted it to myself. I try not to think like that.

So yeah I'm sure I'm overreacting, but this on top of everything else just makes it feel worse. As I said I was already planning to ctb, so this doesn't actually affect my drive to do it. Last night it just felt like one more thing I won't have to deal with. In the scheme of things, and having to do with my ctb, this is actually nothing. It was just venting.