ForeverCaHa
Heartbroken Welshman
- Feb 16, 2025
- 201
Today was the funeral. The funeral I wasn't permitted to attend. I've been on auto-pilot all day, don't even have the strength to speak. I feel like my legs are going to collapse beneath me whenever I walk. Do I even have the energy to cry anymore?
I worry about the details of the funeral. Obviously his family knew him, but I'm not so sure that the funeral would be how he would want it, or how they would want it. Do they know what music he liked? Did they dress him in his favourite shirt (a dark blue shirt with white buttons)? ... I don't know if they knew this kind of thing about him. Did they know he always wanted a lemon beagle? Did they ever notice how he would pick at his thumb nail when he was nervous? The way his eyes shone when he laughed? Did they know he would snore if he slept on his back, but not on his side? I'm not going to pretend that I knew more about him than his own parents, but I knew him so intimately, these small details are so important to me.
My friend took me to a nearby beach earlier today, but it didn't help much. He is mingled in everything I see. I remember the last time I went to the beach with him, watching him swim in the sea, laying with him in the sun. Now it's all gone. I'm so tired.
Going places that I went with him brings up painful memories. Going to new places just reminds me I will never be able to experience new things with him. There's no way to escape it.
I remember once, many months ago, I told him about how I was bullied a lot at school. He said he would've protected me if he had known me back then... I couldn't protect him when he most needed it, though. I can't stop thinking about how he died alone, feeling unloved, uncared for. Even after all this, my heart is still breaking more and more.
I've decided that in my note I will add a request to my friends. I want them to go to his grave and lay a bunch of tulips for him. They were our flower. Wherever we went we would see them. I have dried tulip petals in a frame, they're from a bouquet he bought me. I had to put it away in my bag, along with the photos of us. Seeing them today would just make me spiral further into this darkness. I would also like a small portion of my ashes to be scattered over his grave. This all depends on whether the family will tell my family where he is buried. To be frank, I don't think they will.
I miss you so, so much. I can't do this without you. I am sorry for everything.
I worry about the details of the funeral. Obviously his family knew him, but I'm not so sure that the funeral would be how he would want it, or how they would want it. Do they know what music he liked? Did they dress him in his favourite shirt (a dark blue shirt with white buttons)? ... I don't know if they knew this kind of thing about him. Did they know he always wanted a lemon beagle? Did they ever notice how he would pick at his thumb nail when he was nervous? The way his eyes shone when he laughed? Did they know he would snore if he slept on his back, but not on his side? I'm not going to pretend that I knew more about him than his own parents, but I knew him so intimately, these small details are so important to me.
My friend took me to a nearby beach earlier today, but it didn't help much. He is mingled in everything I see. I remember the last time I went to the beach with him, watching him swim in the sea, laying with him in the sun. Now it's all gone. I'm so tired.
Going places that I went with him brings up painful memories. Going to new places just reminds me I will never be able to experience new things with him. There's no way to escape it.
I remember once, many months ago, I told him about how I was bullied a lot at school. He said he would've protected me if he had known me back then... I couldn't protect him when he most needed it, though. I can't stop thinking about how he died alone, feeling unloved, uncared for. Even after all this, my heart is still breaking more and more.
I've decided that in my note I will add a request to my friends. I want them to go to his grave and lay a bunch of tulips for him. They were our flower. Wherever we went we would see them. I have dried tulip petals in a frame, they're from a bouquet he bought me. I had to put it away in my bag, along with the photos of us. Seeing them today would just make me spiral further into this darkness. I would also like a small portion of my ashes to be scattered over his grave. This all depends on whether the family will tell my family where he is buried. To be frank, I don't think they will.
I miss you so, so much. I can't do this without you. I am sorry for everything.
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