ForeverCaHa
Heartbroken Welshman
- Feb 16, 2025
- 442
Well, my fears have been confirmed. I'm not permitted to attend the funeral. Immediate family only. I can't say I don't understand, but it has still hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a feeling this would happen. Do the parents blame me? I blame myself. I can't even say a proper goodbye. I understand the family is highly distressed, but so am I. I'm the one who had to spend that entire morning and afternoon calling him, knowing deep down he was already gone. I'm the one whose friends had to go into the flat to find him. I'm the one who now has to shoulder the reality that my choices triggered this chain of events. I feel for the family, I really do, but I loved him too. I want this life to be over with.
Yesterday I went through the bags of my belongings from our old flat. In hindsight I was not ready to go through them. I knew there would be a photo of him and me in one of the bags. It's the first photo I've seen of him since his death. Seeing it literally brought me to my knees, I cried for hours until I just didn't have the energy to cry anymore. This morning I woke up and cried again. I can't handle this.
One of the bags contained some of his belongings, including a picnic blanket. We spent so much time cuddling on it, eating together, being with each other. Holding it close to me brings no comfort. It's just a reminder of how cold and lonely I am.
Even more upsetting was the label for a body bag - his body bag - which had been put in with my belongings. It made me feel physically sick.
I now have two photos of us on a shelf in the living room, but I can't bring myself to look at them. Whenever I do, I break down in tears all over again. I haven't moved on since the day I was told he was dead, and I likely never will. Now on the living room floor there is a funeral suit I will never wear. I feel empty on the inside. I'm so desperate for death to take me. Give me an agonising death if need be, just make sure it works.
Edit to add an update:
And now they want to call me so I can explain what happened. I know as much as they do. The fact that his family will never have to reflect on how they treated him (i.e. like absolute shit) makes me so fucking angry. I'm not saying it's their fault, but he would often talk to me about how he felt bullied and neglected by his family. But since his note only references the breakdown in our relationship, it's all on me.
I can't stand any of this. They said before that he would've wanted me at his funeral. And now this. I of course would never actually direct any kind of anger towards them, but this feels needlessly cruel.
Yesterday I went through the bags of my belongings from our old flat. In hindsight I was not ready to go through them. I knew there would be a photo of him and me in one of the bags. It's the first photo I've seen of him since his death. Seeing it literally brought me to my knees, I cried for hours until I just didn't have the energy to cry anymore. This morning I woke up and cried again. I can't handle this.
One of the bags contained some of his belongings, including a picnic blanket. We spent so much time cuddling on it, eating together, being with each other. Holding it close to me brings no comfort. It's just a reminder of how cold and lonely I am.
Even more upsetting was the label for a body bag - his body bag - which had been put in with my belongings. It made me feel physically sick.
I now have two photos of us on a shelf in the living room, but I can't bring myself to look at them. Whenever I do, I break down in tears all over again. I haven't moved on since the day I was told he was dead, and I likely never will. Now on the living room floor there is a funeral suit I will never wear. I feel empty on the inside. I'm so desperate for death to take me. Give me an agonising death if need be, just make sure it works.
Edit to add an update:
And now they want to call me so I can explain what happened. I know as much as they do. The fact that his family will never have to reflect on how they treated him (i.e. like absolute shit) makes me so fucking angry. I'm not saying it's their fault, but he would often talk to me about how he felt bullied and neglected by his family. But since his note only references the breakdown in our relationship, it's all on me.
I can't stand any of this. They said before that he would've wanted me at his funeral. And now this. I of course would never actually direct any kind of anger towards them, but this feels needlessly cruel.
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