Venting posts two days in a row? Gotta love it.
My suit for the funeral on Monday arrived this morning. I haven't opened the package, I don't want to look at it. His family still haven't told me what time it will be held, though. I'll have to contact them tomorrow. For all I know they'll take back my invitation and not allow me to attend. I don't know. The thought of it being open casket terrifies me, but that's not a question I can ask the family. I don't want any of this to be real. I can't handle it much longer.
I'm home alone until tomorrow night when another friend of mine will be coming to stay. I have the urge to go through with my SN protocol tomorrow afternoon. It would mean not having to attend the funeral. It would mean being put out of my misery sooner than planned. But I know I can't do it yet. The lack of benzos does scare me slightly, but I am pretty certain any SI I had left in me disappeared after my partner's death. I hope my family doesn't blame him for what I am going to do. In my note I've asked them to notify his family of my passing... I don't really know why I would even want them to know, though.
I'm growing more and more desperate to get out of here, my mind is more chaotic than ever. I have to succeed in April. I can't face thinking "this time last year we were doing this" "this time last year we went there" this year and every year for the rest of my life.
Everything was going so well. I was on track for my PhD, my work was picking up, I had a lovely flat with a man who was always in my corner. If he were still alive now, we would probably be cuddling on the sofa, drinking tea (decaf early grey with oat milk, his favourite), watching some crappy film, just happy being in our cosy nest together. I can picture it in my head.
I've lost it all. I've been running on auto-pilot since the day he died, counting down the days until I can be with him again. I desperately need to be with him. Nothing else can fix this level of heartbreak.
I miss him so much it hurts. Life doesn't make sense with him gone.
I want to look at photos of him, but it's still too painful.
I'm so tired of crying.
I'm just tired of all this.
My suit for the funeral on Monday arrived this morning. I haven't opened the package, I don't want to look at it. His family still haven't told me what time it will be held, though. I'll have to contact them tomorrow. For all I know they'll take back my invitation and not allow me to attend. I don't know. The thought of it being open casket terrifies me, but that's not a question I can ask the family. I don't want any of this to be real. I can't handle it much longer.
I'm home alone until tomorrow night when another friend of mine will be coming to stay. I have the urge to go through with my SN protocol tomorrow afternoon. It would mean not having to attend the funeral. It would mean being put out of my misery sooner than planned. But I know I can't do it yet. The lack of benzos does scare me slightly, but I am pretty certain any SI I had left in me disappeared after my partner's death. I hope my family doesn't blame him for what I am going to do. In my note I've asked them to notify his family of my passing... I don't really know why I would even want them to know, though.
I'm growing more and more desperate to get out of here, my mind is more chaotic than ever. I have to succeed in April. I can't face thinking "this time last year we were doing this" "this time last year we went there" this year and every year for the rest of my life.
Everything was going so well. I was on track for my PhD, my work was picking up, I had a lovely flat with a man who was always in my corner. If he were still alive now, we would probably be cuddling on the sofa, drinking tea (decaf early grey with oat milk, his favourite), watching some crappy film, just happy being in our cosy nest together. I can picture it in my head.
I've lost it all. I've been running on auto-pilot since the day he died, counting down the days until I can be with him again. I desperately need to be with him. Nothing else can fix this level of heartbreak.
I miss him so much it hurts. Life doesn't make sense with him gone.
I want to look at photos of him, but it's still too painful.
I'm so tired of crying.
I'm just tired of all this.
