With only a few weeks to go until my CTB date, I'm feeling more and more impatient. The date I've chosen has a lot of emotional value to me, so I cannot change it, but the wait is still dragging.
My family is on holiday this week, so I would've been home alone, but some friends of mine are essentially taking it in shifts to stay here. Although they haven't said anything, we all know it's because they worry I will off myself if I'm alone too long. Part of me feels cruel, knowing that I have a concrete plan set, and that this week was never a risk for me. They're trying to list reasons why it's not what I should do, but I tune out whenever they start. Life has exhausted me, and the idea that the nightmare I'm currently living is all my fault just won't fade. It's been almost a month since my partner died, and I have felt myself slipping away ever since the moment the news was given to me. I cannot fail this attempt.
I could so easily go through with my protocol this week. I would feel so much better doing it at home, in my own bed, in a familiar setting. But, save for an impulsive attempt, I can't do that to my family or friends. My mum wouldn't be able to continue living here, knowing I died in this room. My friends would be the one to find me. I can't do that to them. And I only have enough SN for one attempt. So I just need to drag myself to the date.
Truly though, one key reason I feel the urge to commit this week, is my partner's funeral in a few days. I am terrified. I am so, so scared. Being there will force me to face reality. I don't want to. I just want to hold him again. Why did this have to happen? He was such a kind person. This month without him has killed me. If anyone who knows me ever finds this account and reads my posts: I am sorry. I wasn't as strong as you said I was.
My family is on holiday this week, so I would've been home alone, but some friends of mine are essentially taking it in shifts to stay here. Although they haven't said anything, we all know it's because they worry I will off myself if I'm alone too long. Part of me feels cruel, knowing that I have a concrete plan set, and that this week was never a risk for me. They're trying to list reasons why it's not what I should do, but I tune out whenever they start. Life has exhausted me, and the idea that the nightmare I'm currently living is all my fault just won't fade. It's been almost a month since my partner died, and I have felt myself slipping away ever since the moment the news was given to me. I cannot fail this attempt.
I could so easily go through with my protocol this week. I would feel so much better doing it at home, in my own bed, in a familiar setting. But, save for an impulsive attempt, I can't do that to my family or friends. My mum wouldn't be able to continue living here, knowing I died in this room. My friends would be the one to find me. I can't do that to them. And I only have enough SN for one attempt. So I just need to drag myself to the date.
Truly though, one key reason I feel the urge to commit this week, is my partner's funeral in a few days. I am terrified. I am so, so scared. Being there will force me to face reality. I don't want to. I just want to hold him again. Why did this have to happen? He was such a kind person. This month without him has killed me. If anyone who knows me ever finds this account and reads my posts: I am sorry. I wasn't as strong as you said I was.
