Delusion honestly, I build myself into a new way of living and try to carry on and think my way though things and when it all comes crashing down it finally feels real again. Life finally feels real, but im depressed and empty in a way that I have no way to see out of other than getting caught in the next cycles of hopes and chases for something, that that will fix my life my emptiness. And its all just a masquerade because I never heal the emptiness, I only run away into my mind and think constantly and that noise drowns out the emptiness and makes me numb. I have many positive lies that scaffold me from falling too deep into the emptiness, that I somehow still believe because I cannot disprove them so I kind of brainwashed myself. Honestly I need to take a look at them and destroy them because id rather live in a painful reality than a lie.
But the high also comes from me actually getting what I want and being in situations and envionrments where I feel good, but mostly its for a sliver of time and im trying to get myself in those situations more. I really hate life its so complex and painful and there are never any ends to how much you must overcome. I dont understand what the point of it all is. I think its that there is no point, and whatever you naturally enjoy doing and want to do (not wants put into you that are ulterior motives to please introjects from society or people you know) but even at the end of this who cares. I think the ability to think about the pointlessness of whats going on all around us is a flaw. If we did not have the cognative ability we do as humans, and were animals we would be at peace much more. I hate the idea that ill never figure everything out and have closure, the solution to this would be to leave things unfinished and live your life. Well I hate this as well because then I know there are things blinding me and are going to harm me without me being aware to position myself to avoid them. Thats my rant but I hope it explains it
