(VENT) Here but why

[SterileMoth]

I still find myself sitting here at the end of the day questioning whether I want to live, I think I do? But sometimes everything just sucks so much, and everything feels like so much, and its all so overwhelming and I miss the dark, cozy sadness. I don't want to attempt anymore, that's something. I catch myself thinking "I love life" (although I can't tell if its forced), something though. I think I actually like myself for the first time in a long time, that's something. That's progress, that's improvement. I'm barely keeping up with my therapy appointments, but I'm keeping up. We are getting somewhere.

I feel crazy sometimes. Sometimes, I feel like I hear whispers, I know I'm not and that they aren't there, but I feel like I hear whispers. That hasn't been fun. The past 3 years I spent with my ex feels like a dream, or like a story someone else told me, they don't feel like my memories. I wonder if that's a trauma response. Sometimes, I don't know if I feel much of anything, but I think I'm happy ... idk. It always comes in short waves, saying it might jinx it, I haven't felt this good for this long in years, I don't know if I can trust it. It all just feels so ... weird, like, I'm not as dysfunctional and it's just ... odd.

Anyways, the lack of enthusiasm to live but having no desire to off yourself is cool. Like I'm still not thrilled I'm here, but sometimes I think I love it. Its really fucking confusing man.

 

[EssenceFocus]

But sometimes everything just sucks so much, and everything feels like so much, and its all so overwhelming and I miss the dark, cozy sadness

I know, that. Being in a state between pro life and pro suicide, can be more difficult, because it can change every day. You can get used to the as you said dark, cozy sadness and it will be the new normal for you.

Anyways, the lack of enthusiasm to live but having no desire to off yourself is cool. Like I'm still not thrilled I'm here, but sometimes I think I love it. Its really fucking confusing man.

That describes my situation very good. I am not really motivated for anything, because everything seems boring. On the other side, I don't have a very strong desire to go at the moment.
I said to myself for a long time, that I am confused, too. That's the right word. I see suicide, as it is, an option. Not bad, not good. It's neutral.
I want to use this forum more, to talk about this whole topic without judgement. Where can you freely talk about suicide without getting into psychiatry?

 

[timf]

In times of war, natural disaster, or other calamity, survival is pretty basic. When there is prosperity, it seems if survival is optional. Families seem essential during times of difficulty, but in today's society, families are often eroded if not torn apart.

Survival is instinctive when under attack. When not threatened, it can seem difficult to come up with a reason to survive. Parenthood was the traditional way people came to have a reason to continue. However, now that there is technology to avoid parenthood, many find that their own childhood extends way past what was intended. This can be seen with the bumper sticker that reads, "He who dies with the most toys wins".

However, consumerism and selfishness never satisfy. If circumstance has provided a less than resilient family, or if one finds oneself getting older without a family of their own, a sense of purpose can be found in various ways to be of service to others. The need to be needed is a very deep human characteristic. If this is left unfulfilled, it can create great discontent.