Help Vent: Flipped my whole life around and still feel crap. Question: Does the feeling ever go away?

[Flick]

I flipped my whole life over - moved out, split with shit people, therapy and meds. It'd sound like I'm doing everything I have to to get better. Why do I still feel shit?
I've been on the fence about CTB for years (I know if I did it, it wouldn't just be an "attempt". I have access to enough stuff to seal the deal). But, I actually have been trying to get better.
I have a few friends, a long term relationship, distance from my abusive family. Still feel like crap. Still feel so alone. Still feel the aching numbness. Can barely talk about it because honestly at this point, do I even have the right to feel like this anymore? It sounds so stupid to everyone - I brought 1 thing up and just got the whole "Still? You're smarter than this now."

Honestly right now, one of my main struggles is trying to keep sane myself because I have no clue who to turn to. Living a lie now, and I just see disappointment whenever I even think of actually talking (even this anon post on a random web forum is giving me x1000 guilt for trauma dumping).

So, question: Anyone else feel alone because they don't have the "right" to still feel horrible years after? Going crazy that they'll never be heard, so what's the point? Does this feeling ever go away?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I completely understand you. I had a traumatic life event about 2.5 years ago and it completed uprooted me. Since then, I've been really struggling financially and my marriage has had its ups and downs. I'm now in a job that pays me more than I made before and I feel like I could be on track to rebuilding what I had.

Still, I don't feel whole. I feel like past events have taken an irreversible toll on me - like I'll never be whole again; I'll never be the "me" that I was.

As for not having the "right" to still feel horrible, I think you have a right to feel however you feel. Comparing your experience to others isn't helpful. Everyone has their own thresholds for pain, disappointment, joy, etc. Your feelings are valid.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Guilt sucks. It's the most useless of emotions. Seems like people who need to feel guilty never do, and people who needn't feel it have it in excess.

Your feelings are not a reason to feel guilty. They're tough to manage and they just are what they are.

I have found that feeling guilty often leads to the things I think I "should" be doing, That's another awful word - should. It feeds the whole guilt cycle and can lead to some serious spirals. I struggle with it a lot.

Can you use your therapy as your trauma dump? That's kind of what they're there for, after all. There's no shame there.

It can get better. Really, I swear. But it sure doesn't happen quickly in my experience. Time does heal some wounds and I've learned to appreciate some really small things that the world would not value much - like making my bed, which is new for me. Yep, I'm in my fifties and I've finally learned to make my bed in the morning. It's something I'm actually proud of - but I certainly don't feel like I can share that much, except maybe here.

I've had to learn to be good with what I'm able to do, even if it's not much. If I give in to my guilty feelings, I'll never get out of my bed to do anything. And I can do some things if I try. I usually have to force myself to start doing anything, but then it often turns out okay. I'm trying to walk every day and I suck at it. But I am walking a few times a week. Some weeks more than others, lol.

Yesterday I asked my husband to walk with me when I got home from the grocery store so I wouldn't have to take my sneakers off. I knew that once I took those suckers off, it was all over.

I've been planning on making dinner tonight for like a week. I had to go to a different grocery store to get one of the ingredients and I finally did it yesterday. But the thought of getting up to fry the bacon, then start the main course seems overwhelming right now. Then the guilt starts that I should be able to cook dinner once in a while and give my husband a break. I should be a better wife. And on and on and on...

So, yes, other people feel like this. And struggle with it. For me, just trying to do some small stuff every day is a goal I can meet often enough. It took quite a while, but I've decided that it has to be good enough.

So my advice, for all it's worth, is just to try to do something. Anything. Any small thing. And be proud of anything you're able to accomplish, as much as you can.

 

[Flick]

Damn it's nice to hear of people that actually understand it.
I mean, 7 bil people so I knew there would be, but it's nice for it to not just be an abstract concept.

Yeah, therapy is a thing but she's seeing me less and less. I tried asking for more sessions but idek if even she takes me seriously now. And unfortunately, an hour a month is barely anything.

I mean, I do a lot. Starb student and on. Feels like a lie- have to put on a face to do it. Have built this ideal persona of who I should be- who I want to be. Which makes a lot harder to talk to the people close to me because honestly, idk if I can handle the disappointment.

Logically I know that "guilt is based of social construct" blah blah. Still, don't understand how to get past this wall.

You mentioned it gets better. When? By how much? It feels like forever ago most of my stuff took place - hence why everyone has moved on. I don't know how to.

 

[iamalwaysalone]

I have the same fear that no matter what happens in my life I will always feel empty. I'm still pretty young so I can't talk about looking back really but in the past two years I achieved things that should have made me happy: a bunch of friends who love me, work-related success, meds, therapy, etc. but even still life feels so meaningless all the time. So it's like wow I got all these things that are supposed to save me and they don't save me, ig I'm just gonna feel this way forever

 

[inthewoods]

I flipped my whole life over - moved out, split with shit people, therapy and meds. It'd sound like I'm doing everything I have to to get better. Why do I still feel shit?
I've been on the fence about CTB for years (I know if I did it, it wouldn't just be an "attempt". I have access to enough stuff to seal the deal). But, I actually have been trying to get better.
I have a few friends, a long term relationship, distance from my abusive family. Still feel like crap. Still feel so alone. Still feel the aching numbness. Can barely talk about it because honestly at this point, do I even have the right to feel like this anymore? It sounds so stupid to everyone - I brought 1 thing up and just got the whole "Still? You're smarter than this now."

Honestly right now, one of my main struggles is trying to keep sane myself because I have no clue who to turn to. Living a lie now, and I just see disappointment whenever I even think of actually talking (even this anon post on a random web forum is giving me x1000 guilt for trauma dumping).

So, question: Anyone else feel alone because they don't have the "right" to still feel horrible years after? Going crazy that they'll never be heard, so what's the point? Does this feeling ever go away?

i think your life is right but you have more internal work to do.

I also think right now is the time for you to leave this forum. Swap out this community with another one that is healthy, life focused, hobby focused.

People here want to be where you are so bad, and I'm sorry you still feel so down, but removing yourself from a space where suicide is normalized - where people share their deepest pains, it's going to rub off on you it really is.

Really consider this, it sounds like you could really benefit from stepping away from this forum and this type of dialogue in your life. You've flipped your life but still come here, I believe you can make the change to that today, and if in a month or two you don't feel better, come back if you need to, we will always be here - but you may not always have this window you've built right now. Take advantage of it. No shame in leaving us, I think I for one would be happy for you.