Venting vent, drugs and mortality etc

[dental]

my days dont feel real. i waste my time trying to get high enough to forget im alive for just the tiniest moment of respite, as if im not just going to come down again and get hit with the crushing realization that yes, i am indeed still fucking alive and still fucking here on this planet. i hate it when im sober enough to be aware of my own existence. i feel so much fucking pain. all the time. im getting tired of trying to convince myself that any moment of happiness or hope will make it all seem worth it in the end, because that vague "in the end" just doesn't exist. it's not like im on some fixed path or timeline. im just biding my time keeping this goddamn body alive until one day, it stops working. i dont want to assign any deeper meaning to it.

i just wish it was more practical to go ahead and kill myself where i am right now. im so fucking tired of waiting.