Discussion *VENT* Between my grave and a hard place. Just here to talk.

[bianbianbianbian]

I've put myself into a fucked up situation because I'm fucked up 10x more than before.
Basically I've given up and since I've already lost all self-respect and care for my own safety, I've become a sex worker (sugar baby) as a last resort. I'm talking to this one man and he's okay, I guess but I'm literally getting basically nothing out of this since I've just figured out he's broke anyways and doesn't have the money to give me some kind of allowance. He's just been the only person that I seem to be even slightly compatible with. On top of that, it's hard keeping up this facade. I can't just up and say I'm depressed and am just not well and want and am planning kill myself because they don't actually care, that's not the job, and I don't want them reporting this and getting me put in a hospital.

I'm not proud at all and it's only made me hate myself more but I really don't care and it doesn't matter especially since I still plan on CTB. My emotions have gotten better a bit, but I'm thinking of taking some Ashwagandha to try and stabilize them. It probably won't work but I've got no better ideas. I don't think it's even worth it to get a new therapist BECAUSE I'm going to CTB, so no new medications for me.

Feel like my friends just don't like me anymore and my family situation has mellowed down to nothing and now I just don't trust them but I don't resent them anymore. My relationship with my mother is just the same: good until it blows up and then ignored the next day.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent and post because I haven't been here in a bit and wanted to talk to some people

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm sorry. It's so shitty of him to start that kind of relationship with you if he can't hold up his end of the bargain. And I hate to hear someone who doesn't wanna do work like that having to resort to it. It's so awful it even has to come to that. I really hope things look up for you

 

[Slough Walker]

I empathize with you having a really bad day after finding out that your sugar daddy can't or won't handle his side of the arrangement. It doesn't have to be true that sugaring means losing "all self-respect and care for [your] own safety". Still, maintaining emotional boundaries while being affectionate during meetings with your sugar daddy would be a difficult balance for anyone. Are you sure that your friends not liking you is based in reality and isn't just your bad day talking? I hope that you and your friends are able to provide each other with emotional support.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I've put myself into a fucked up situation because I'm fucked up 10x more than before.
Basically I've given up and since I've already lost all self-respect and care for my own safety, I've become a sex worker (sugar baby) as a last resort. I'm talking to this one man and he's okay, I guess but I'm literally getting basically nothing out of this since I've just figured out he's broke anyways and doesn't have the money to give me some kind of allowance. He's just been the only person that I seem to be even slightly compatible with. On top of that, it's hard keeping up this facade. I can't just up and say I'm depressed and am just not well and want and am planning kill myself because they don't actually care, that's not the job, and I don't want them reporting this and getting me put in a hospital.

I'm not proud at all and it's only made me hate myself more but I really don't care and it doesn't matter especially since I still plan on CTB. My emotions have gotten better a bit, but I'm thinking of taking some Ashwagandha to try and stabilize them. It probably won't work but I've got no better ideas. I don't think it's even worth it to get a new therapist BECAUSE I'm going to CTB, so no new medications for me.

Feel like my friends just don't like me anymore and my family situation has mellowed down to nothing and now I just don't trust them but I don't resent them anymore. My relationship with my mother is just the same: good until it blows up and then ignored the next day.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent and post because I haven't been here in a bit and wanted to talk to some people

To be honest I'd tell them but only halfway. Maybe not say you are suicidal but that you are really down, depressed etc..., and that a lot of your recent behavior is a result of it. That you could use their love I guess.

 

[bianbianbianbian]

I'm sorry. It's so shitty of him to start that kind of relationship with you if he can't hold up his end of the bargain. And I hate to hear someone who doesn't wanna do work like that having to resort to it. It's so awful it even has to come to that. I really hope things look up for you

It's not really on him, I just should've confirmed before I let things go further. I'm very new to this, so it's just given I'd make an error like this without any experience or good advice. And I also guess I'm just ruining my own life because I'm not mentally well anymore or whatever, but thanks for the nice words.

I empathize with you having a really bad day after finding out that your sugar daddy can't or won't handle his side of the arrangement. It doesn't have to be true that sugaring means losing "all self-respect and care for [your] own safety". Still, maintaining emotional boundaries while being affectionate during meetings with your sugar daddy would be a difficult balance for anyone. Are you sure that your friends not liking you is based in reality and isn't just your bad day talking? I hope that you and your friends are able to provide each other with emotional support.

Well, it's not really a bad day. I've known for a bit and am just disappointed. What I meant gave no self-respect or care for my safety is that I've literally let them know my name and basically the area that I live in and they know what I look like, so they could show up if they wanted to and do what they wanted and honestly at this point, I do not care what happens to me as long as I die soon. My friends have seemed a bit distant and something feels off for a little while now but I'm just trying to detach from it, but if I lose them I wouldn't be surprised.

To be honest I'd tell them but only halfway. Maybe not say you are suicidal but that you are really down, depressed etc..., and that a lot of your recent behavior is a result of it. That you could use their love I guess.

That's actually some good advice, thanks Wording is key !!

 

[tiffany]

I've put myself into a fucked up situation because I'm fucked up 10x more than before.
Basically I've given up and since I've already lost all self-respect and care for my own safety, I've become a sex worker (sugar baby) as a last resort. I'm talking to this one man and he's okay, I guess but I'm literally getting basically nothing out of this since I've just figured out he's broke anyways and doesn't have the money to give me some kind of allowance. He's just been the only person that I seem to be even slightly compatible with. On top of that, it's hard keeping up this facade. I can't just up and say I'm depressed and am just not well and want and am planning kill myself because they don't actually care, that's not the job, and I don't want them reporting this and getting me put in a hospital.

I'm not proud at all and it's only made me hate myself more but I really don't care and it doesn't matter especially since I still plan on CTB. My emotions have gotten better a bit, but I'm thinking of taking some Ashwagandha to try and stabilize them. It probably won't work but I've got no better ideas. I don't think it's even worth it to get a new therapist BECAUSE I'm going to CTB, so no new medications for me.

Feel like my friends just don't like me anymore and my family situation has mellowed down to nothing and now I just don't trust them but I don't resent them anymore. My relationship with my mother is just the same: good until it blows up and then ignored the next day.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent and post because I haven't been here in a bit and wanted to talk to some people

I am so sorry

 

[bianbianbianbian]

I am so sorry

I'm not sure what to say to this, really but thanks