Venting Vent and opinion if ctb can be done not by more pain

[Illidan77]

Venting :
from like saturday/sunday till wednesday, i was in a really bad shape. i got horrible headache, my anxiety skyrocketed, well i didn't took my benzo only seroquel to force me to sleep. I've done rapid tapering till 0 for not so long, but still took it afterwards in smaller dose just to get myself to do things, and by things is kinda just take shower, go out to get food. and during that time, it can took 5 hours just for me to take shower with a lot of getting up then sitting down again waiting for afternoon to come and almost 3 hours to decide what to eat, i was going to order but then i hold back and get back again sometimes twice and so on with the next place.

i feel weird and that people looking me weird, it feels like i'm only voice in my head. it exactly just like 2014-2012 more or less. so wednesday night and thurday morning i took my benzo and things went a lot better, still anxious but not that horrible. i also took again my concerta. i was gonna open this forum, was gonna reply chats but..
well anyway all of this just kinda make me rethink of everything.. i wanted to ctb in a peaceful state, well not that peaceful but like not driven by pain cause the urge to ctb was so strong during that days. probably because i believe in reincarnation (and ctb well..) and that our last state of mind play major part. and that this is what i want to do differently from my first attempt.
but i saw threads kinda wanting for more 'pain' to drive the will. anyway i will still give myself sometime and i probably just took my med. it's not like i'm unsure about ctb, i don't plan to consult again or looking for work. but well it made me rethink.. what's the point of delaying, the day kinda feel long honestly.

oh well that's enough rambling.. but kinda want to ask what do you think about it? (the title and the poll)
i don't mean there is 0 pain.. that's kinda impossible.. but like not necessarily err kinda hard to put it.. like anytime, not necessarily by event or something more.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- although it is undoubtably pain and suffering to some extent that leads people to the point where they want to take their own life- I believe the act itself can be done in a calmer state of mind. I hope that- if I ever have the guts to do it that I won't be in a distressed state. I think attempts are more likely to fail done on impulse- depending what it is of course- but I would likely choose SN which takes planning over days.

Also- while I don't really believe in hell- I think the brain is perfectly capable of imagining it. From experience- I know I tend to have nightmares when I'm anxious- so- that is another reason I would obviously prefer to be as calm as possible.

Plus- for me- my ideation has been with me for 33 years. Things don't actually NEED to be dreadful for me to think it is a good option (for me.) That said- I've never actually made an attempt. (I've been hanging on for family members.) Ironically- it COULD actually be something that I consider unbearable that may spur me on to do it- namely- having to see a (suspected) narcissistic family member again. Only time will tell really.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that after all, only the individual knows when the time is right to finally exit this world, I believe that those who managed to be successful found a method that they felt confident in, and they just knew that it was time to exit.

I at least know that if I had a method as peaceful as Nembutal I would finally feel relieved and calm and I would have no problems going through with ctb. I do think that many people who succeeded likely reached a complete point of desperation in order to go through with it, and that is the likely the case for those who go for the more terrifying methods, but I certainly think that it's possible to ctb in a calm state of mind.

 

[pulsar]

Talk is cheap. When you are really going to die I doubt you would be that calm. Plus, I Fucking Hate Buses!!!