Venting Values

[HannahB]

Theres that saying "is it worth dying for" or "would you die for this" when put into context of war or family it seems noble, But for some reason when in the context of suicide is bad. I just cant see it that way and thats why i dont really care your reasons to ctb, knowing you had something worth dying for is enough. It's not about 'deserves' or 'fairness' it's about values. I had things worth dying for but not that they are gone I dont have anything to live for. It's the other side that people dont talk about.

Pro lifers act like my suffering is fixable and it could be but that's not the point.
I go to sleep every night and wake up two hours later screaming and drenched in sweat then cry in front of the heater until I'm dry enough to fall back asleep so I can wake up screaming again in two hours. When morning hits and I realize I have to stay awake this feeling of dread sets in. I know it's just another nightmare. I look at my partner and remind myself theres good things in nightmares too and try to go about my day or hiding in my house.

As shit as that is and as it sounds it's not the point. Suffering is all i have ever known. It's where I feel most comfortable as wierd as that sounds. There were things that I had that were worth dying for and I failed them. They are gone. Forever, period. That's why. I cannot be normal again because I have no desire to. Even if I was 'fixed' and ok with what I have done it cannot change it. Everything has price and sometimes it can be payed with a lifetime of guilt and suffering. Other times the universe is so drastically different that isnt enough. I with my actions have created a universe in which pain is the main export. As one could say 'I have created a monster', a physical tangable monster that takes the shape of a situation the only way to remove it from exustance is to remove its sorce. Its not about my suffering it's about the suffering I created in others, it's about my values and my responsibility for the world i make.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Suffering is all i have ever known. It's where I feel most comfortable as wierd as that sounds

If you suffer long enough then it becomes who you are and it's hard to change that even if you can. I've seen a few people express this view.
I've always read your posts with interest Hannah, you've said a few things before that have made me think.
What you've posted here is really complex, but then we are complex creatures.
I really hate to think of anyone waking up screaming, with me I sometimes wakeup unable to breath.
I don't know your whole situation but I certainly feel the forum is better of with you here rather than without you.

 

[HannahB]

If you suffer long enough then it becomes who you are and it's hard to change that even if you can. I've seen a few people express this view.
I've always read your posts with interest Hannah, you've said a few things before that have made me think.
What you've posted here is really complex, but then we are complex creatures.
I really hate to think of anyone waking up screaming, with me I sometimes wakeup unable to breath.
I don't know your whole situation but I certainly feel the forum is better of with you here rather than without you.

I appreciate that. I feel that this board is a place where I can build good, even if its lost on most and fleeting.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I appreciate that. I feel that this board is a place where I can build good, even if its lost on most and fleeting.

Well it is fleeting. All good things are fleeting but the bad things come to stay.
And your posts are not lost on me, they make me think and challenge the way I think, which is always a good thing.

 

[HannahB]

Well it is fleeting. All good things are fleeting but the bad things come to stay.
And your posts are not lost on me, they make me think and challenge the way I think, which is always a good thing.

I've never thought of it that way I wonder what that implies about existance... maybe that the tendency towards destruction is a characteristic of nothingness and therefore fixed, whereas as "good" aka fighting against nothingness is always changing.. I've gotta think on that.
Now you got me thinking lol

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I've never thought of it that way I wonder what that implies about existance... maybe that the tendency towards destruction is a characteristic of nothingness and therefore fixed, whereas as "good" aka fighting against nothingness is always changing.. I've gotta think on that.
Now you got me thinking lol

What you just said there is exactly what I was implying. Life has no meaning but what we give it. It is the perception that counts. Entropy is fixed and all life and beneath it, energy, fights against entropy.
It isn't the result that matters as everything has its time and everything dies. It's the fight itself that counts. It's fleeting and ephemeral whilst entropy is fixed.
This is why the good bits are so valued, because they are so fleeting and rare. Energy is motion and hence ephemeral and the end result of entropy is an absence of all motion.