Usually don’t do posts

[Jaffa]

i don't usually do posts or threads purely because I don't like things being public but I just need a little advice / guidance and opinions really.

Had a failed attempt about 6-7 years ago which caused me to suddenly have anxiety and depression. Literally out of nowhere!

I was in a long term relationship, engaged last year and had kids and a house planned. 2 months ago, she decided to break things off which was 100% caused by me and my episodes. Which absolutely has destroyed me as these issues I seem to have, have been the cause of everything going wrong! But we all know you can't help the way you feel and I tried to get better as she was so supportive and I was just an asshole and in the end made her unhappy! A few people including her recently have said they think I have bipolar but I have no idea.

I tried hanging years ago and failed due to rope breaking, now I'm too scared to try it again. I won't be able to jump and unable to get N and Similar stuff. Cutting scares me too I don't know why, maybe it's the failed attempt that's made me nervous a bit. Being in the UK trying to source a firearm isn't easy but that's an option as Ive been on the look. I've seen a lot of articles in the newspaper recently about many people killing themselves on over the counter painkillers and stuff fairly quickly so interested in this method too. Also have a fair amount of amitriptyline / some SSRI's and painkillers and alcohol so I don't know what to do.

The more I come onto this site, the harder it appears to be to have the courage to go through with it, if I could love a happy life with kids and a family I would, but having that planned and then having no happiness or anyone left, it's the only option I want for everything to stop, the pain, the hurt and lonliness.


Feel like a right attention seeking asshole for this post but just needed some input from people with more life experience I guess

 

[AndyCurious]

Get a stronger rope, and have some drinks first, just in case, so you most likely won't fight the urge of dying... Full suspension is best imo though..

 

[Jaffa]

Get a stronger rope, and have some drinks first, just in case, so you most likely won't fight the urge of dying... Full suspension is best imo though..

I did full suspension last time so I agree it was painless, but I purely think it's the fear of doing it again and failing or just getting to that point of actually trying again. If I had a firearm right now I wouldn't hesitate though. Strange how the mind works

 

[AndyCurious]

I did full suspension last time so I agree it was painless, but I purely think it's the fear of doing it again and failing or just getting to that point of actually trying again. If I had a firearm right now I wouldn't hesitate though. Strange how the mind works

I understand that, that's why you could drink first, maybe you get to the point that you actually do it, with a better rope of course.. Then you will make it..

 

[dman12009]

I will say that failing after a hanging attempt leaves you scared by my experiences

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I don't want to pro-life at you, but it does seem like you would possibly make a turnaround with the right circumstances in place. Do you feel like this is the case? I think it's an important question to answer. And I ask it because I have been heartbroken several times, felt totally decimated on the inside multiple times but ultimately found pretty solid, enjoyable relationships. Granted those didn't work out in the end either, but the point is, it's definitely achievable.

I think a lot of us reach a place where we feel like we can't go on, then somehow we do. We find something or someone when we don't expect it, and it gives us perspective and hope for the future. We may not expect to rebound, but we often do. I know this sounds like inspirational bullshit on some level, but I have found it to be the case. You do have to be open to it though, and put yourself in situations conducive to finding love again.

Just something to think about.

 

[Jaffa]

I will say that failing after a hanging attempt leaves you scared by my experiences

My experience too dman, luckily I didn't end up with many after effects only slight vision loss in one eye. But that's it. The fear however is there I don't know what it is but something is stopping me. Maybe some alcohol would eliminate it

 

[Jaffa]

I don't want to pro-life at you, but it does seem like you would possibly make a turnaround with the right circumstances in place. Do you feel like this is the case? I think it's an important question to answer. And I ask it because I have been heartbroken several times, felt totally decimated on the inside multiple times but ultimately found pretty solid, enjoyable relationships. Granted those didn't work out in the end either, but the point is, it's definitely achievable.

I think a lot of us reach a place where we feel like we can't go on, then somehow we do. We find something or someone when we don't expect it, and it gives us perspective and hope for the future. We may not expect to rebound, but we often do. I know this sounds like inspirational bullshit on some level, but I have found it to be the case. You do have to be open to it though, and put yourself in situations conducive to finding love again.

Just something to think about.

Thank you for your reply

I'd like a positive turn around yes of course, but I'm finding that suffering with the anxiety and depression which I have even when in a good relationship causes me to create problems and issues within the relationship hence why it's now ended because I made her unhappy with the negativity one minute and then happy the next and would always see the worst in every situation. I never wanted kids or anything like that and have never proposed but I knew i found my soul mate, because we had kids and future planned, now every time I see happy couples with kids it hurts even more and it's soul destroying when I know The me before he anxiety and depression would have had a happy relationship and not caused the break up.

I don't have any friends anymore as ditched them all over 8 years ago so I made friends with her family over the years through her and felt I was getting better, but she said she thinks I had bipolar due to how I acted but i don't know.

I'd like to rid of my mental health issues 100% but i know it's not possible because it's been years and still not gone even though I was at my happiest. I'd still have real down days and i know it's constsntly going to effect me, so why go through constant heart ache and upset because of something I literally cannot control, it's just much easier to ctb so end the issues and unhappiness / loneliness.

 

[Jaffa]

good luck to anyone that could jump this i couldnt !!

I'm not afraid of heights by any means however jumping is something I couldn't do, off a cliff or in front of a train or anything I wouldn't want to cause a stranger any stress

 

[Trashcan]

A stronger rope would be good. Maybe even a sturdy belt from a robe if you're doing partial, a celebrity (can't remember his name) did it that way.

And you do NOT appear to be an attention seeking asshole. This is what this forum is here for! You have every right to make a thread, every right to ask for advice, and every right to vent on here.

 

[Jaffa]

A stronger rope would be good. Maybe even a sturdy belt from a robe if you're doing partial, a celebrity (can't remember his name) did it that way.

And you do NOT appear to be an attention seeking asshole. This is what this forum is here for! You have every right to make a thread, every right to ask for advice, and every right to vent on here.

I have stronger rope this time, shouldn't be any issues on that front. Thanks Trashcan, I don't usually do threads or posts as I feel like I just make it all about me and being selfish and that's not my intention

 

[Trashcan]

I have stronger rope this time, shouldn't be any issues on that front. Thanks Trashcan, I don't usually do threads or posts as I feel like I just make it all about me and being selfish and that's not my intention

You sound like a conscientious person. But I can assure you no one on here would see you as selfish for making a thread. :)

 

[zadig777]

why are u pushing him for the rope?
the man said he doesn't want a rope
firearms would be ideal i think too
u should have patience and wait for firearms
i also think that u can do a turn around
don't ssri help u,or u can't tolerate side effects?

 

[Jaffa]

why are u pushing him for the rope?
the man said he doesn't want a rope
firearms would be ideal i think too
u should have patience and wait for firearms
i also think that u can do a turn around
don't ssri help u,or u can't tolerate side effects?

SSRI didn't make me feel any better after several weeks on it so I came off instantly, the side effects too were horrible with the excessive sweating and sick feeling etc and trouble down below which is also common. Something I wasn't willing to accept lol.

Worst case I'll take the rope but for some reason as another person said on the thread there is something about it than once a failed attempt it scares you., don't know why because at the time it was peaceful.

 

[Lra888]

SSRI didn't make me feel any better after several weeks on it so I came off instantly, the side effects too were horrible with the excessive sweating and sick feeling etc and trouble down below which is also common. Something I wasn't willing to accept lol.

Worst case I'll take the rope but for some reason as another person said on the thread there is something about it than once a failed attempt it scares you., don't know why because at the time it was peaceful.

SSRIs are the worst. Head felt in a fog, sweating profusely, disgusting feeling in throat with no sexuality and no change in my level of depression. Just horribly physical symptoms on top of the mental.

 

[AndyCurious]

SSRIs are the worst. Head felt in a fog, sweating profusely, disgusting feeling in throat with no sexuality and no change in my level of depression. Just horribly physical symptoms on top of the mental.

Hugs to you...<3

 

[Donewith_]

Don't be too harsh on yourself.. we all vent here.. since we don't have any shoulder to lean upon in real life. Or even if we have, we don't feel comfortable. Give yourself time to sort out everything about your life and the further steps.. no shame in backing out if you want to give life a try. Hope you find what you want..
And nope.. you are not seeking attention.. I have heard you friend.we all need each other for support..

 

[Jaffa]

SSRIs are the worst. Head felt in a fog, sweating profusely, disgusting feeling in throat with no sexuality and no change in my level of depression. Just horribly physical symptoms on top of the mental.

Sounds exactly like how they made me felt too Lra888 are you off them now

 

[Lra888]

SSRIs are the worst. Head felt in a fog, sweating profusely, disgusting feeling in throat with no sexuality and no change in my level of depression.

Sounds exactly like how they made me felt too Lra888 are you off them now

I am. Just preparing do die now.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Agree with the stronger rope what the hell did you use since it broke?

And if you are not registered in the system with a mental illness you could always get a hunters license and buy a shotgun (hunting firearms are still legal in the UK as far as I know)

And for the record I don´t think this post is attention seeking at all you are just asking for advice while providing a little background.

 

[Jaffa]

Agree with the stronger rope what the hell did you use since it broke?

And if you are not registered in the system with a mental illness you could always get a hunters license and buy a shotgun (hunting firearms are still legal in the UK as far as I know)

And for the record I don´t think this post is attention seeking at all you are just asking for advice while providing a little background.

At the time I used what was available in the moment which was a dressing gown cord, I passed out and woke up on the floor with a huge headache and experience life flashbacks and slight Vision loss in one eye a little blurry.

I wouldn't want to go with a shotgun I don't know why but that also scares me, however a handgun doesn't scare me at all. So that would be my choice. I don't know why it cannot explain why but that's in my head anyway.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

At the time I used what was available in the moment which was a dressing gown cord, I passed out and woke up on the floor with a huge headache and experience life flashbacks and slight Vision loss in one eye a little blurry.

I wouldn't want to go with a shotgun I don't know why but that also scares me, however a handgun doesn't scare me at all. So that would be my choice. I don't know why it cannot explain why but that's in my head anyway.

From a facts point of view the handgun over shotgun doesn´t make sense at all but I get it I own a handgun (Glock 17 9mm) and somehow I think I would choose to shoot myself in the temple over gun in my mouth aiming for the brainstem which would result in an instant kill. Unluckily for you handguns aren´t legal in the UK and a shotgun would blow your head right off just google "shotgun suicide documenting reality" if you want to see the damage.

 

[Jaffa]

From a facts point of view the handgun over shotgun doesn´t make sense at all but I get it I own a handgun (Glock 17 9mm) and somehow I think I would choose to shoot myself in the temple over gun in my mouth aiming for the brainstem which would result in an instant kill. Unluckily for you handguns aren´t legal in the UK and a shotgun would blow your head right off just google "shotgun suicide documenting reality" if you want to see the damage.

I know what you mean, I cannot explain why I'd prefer a handgun over a shotgun I guess it's the mess it would leave it don't know. We've just come back from Florida and would have loved to have ctb but I genuinely don't know what's stopping me, the fear, scared of the unknown and failing I guess

 

[Aaron Josef]

Thank you for your reply

I'd like a positive turn around yes of course, but I'm finding that suffering with the anxiety and depression which I have even when in a good relationship causes me to create problems and issues within the relationship hence why it's now ended because I made her unhappy with the negativity one minute and then happy the next and would always see the worst in every situation. I never wanted kids or anything like that and have never proposed but I knew i found my soul mate, because we had kids and future planned, now every time I see happy couples with kids it hurts even more and it's soul destroying when I know The me before he anxiety and depression would have had a happy relationship and not caused the break up.

I don't have any friends anymore as ditched them all over 8 years ago so I made friends with her family over the years through her and felt I was getting better, but she said she thinks I had bipolar due to how I acted but i don't know.

I'd like to rid of my mental health issues 100% but i know it's not possible because it's been years and still not gone even though I was at my happiest. I'd still have real down days and i know it's constsntly going to effect me, so why go through constant heart ache and upset because of something I literally cannot control, it's just much easier to ctb so end the issues and unhappiness / loneliness.

What all went wrong?
Are you able to fix it?

 

[Jaffa]

What all went wrong?
Are you able to fix it?

Mainly my depression and anxiety just got too much and she could only support so much, I'd always see the worst in every case and get worried, fustrated and mood swings were very common never physical and we rarely argued at all. It was simply my stupid thoughts and issues that caused the break up and unable to fix anything as we no longer talk and she's just living her life and I cannot let go as I truly believe it was meant to be and now every time I see kids and happy couples as a family it hurts me ten fold knowing i almost had that

 

[Lovemykids]

We both are in the same boat

 

[Aaron Josef]

Mainly my depression and anxiety just got too much and she could only support so much, I'd always see the worst in every case and get worried, fustrated and mood swings were very common never physical and we rarely argued at all. It was simply my stupid thoughts and issues that caused the break up and unable to fix anything as we no longer talk and she's just living her life and I cannot let go as I truly believe it was meant to be and now every time I see kids and happy couples as a family it hurts me ten fold knowing i almost had that

Do you still want that?
Wife kids family?

 

[Aaron Josef]

From a facts point of view the handgun over shotgun doesn´t make sense at all but I get it I own a handgun (Glock 17 9mm) and somehow I think I would choose to shoot myself in the temple over gun in my mouth aiming for the brainstem which would result in an instant kill. Unluckily for you handguns aren´t legal in the UK and a shotgun would blow your head right off just google "shotgun suicide documenting reality" if you want to see the damage.

I feel that I would choose the handgun over a Shotgun also.
I wonder why that is?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I feel that I would choose the handgun over a Shotgun also.
I wonder why that is?

Probably because it leave you with some kind of dignity a shotgun would blast your brain or even head clean off not so dignified.

 

[Lovemykids]

Do you still want that?
Wife kids family?

My kids was torn away from me
I have nothing left
Can't bare life without them