Anxieyote
Sobriety over everything else • 32 • Midwest
- Mar 24, 2021
- 455
After my stint in rehab, I was given so many reassurances by the counselors there that after leaving the facility there would be a new beginning for me. They said as long as I stuck with the outpatient programs and the Oxford House community, it would be smooth sailing.
Well, I got kicked out of my Oxford house for having a Xanax prescription that I neglected to tell them about. And since then, after completing outpatient, things returned to chaos for me.
I was unemployed for about a year, and during that time, Mom and Dad floated me financially. My rent is income-based so it was only 100USD at the house I was staying in. But even though I made it known that living alone would cause me to relapse again, no one in my family offered to let me stay with them. The income-based housing was kind of a curse in this regard, because it does not transfer to other housing—it is just those specific units. So in an effort to keep me independent, family urged me to stay. And eventually, I was forced to stay because acquiring housing elsewhere wouldn't be possible without a job or steady income.
And sure enough, I relapsed harder than ever before. I hate this tiny sardine can of an apartment and I often feel like I have to drink just to take my mind off the fact that I have been stagnating here for multiple years. It is painful and it hurts to know I never left my small town that I grew up in as a kid.
I thought that getting on disability income would help me relocate, but it isn't enough without having a job to go with it. And while I am relapsing as hard as I am, I question whether or not I can even hold down a job. And then there is the biggest elephant in the room which is that I just want to die and I have for a very long time. I don't have to "start over" I don't have to try anymore if I just end my life now. And I have plenty of SN in order to take care of that.
But even more recently, I discovered I was trans which has surprisingly given me a modicum of hope. Expressing myself as a girl feels so much more natural and comfortable, and I don't feel like I have to operate under any pretenses of masculinity or "toughness" anymore. I've always been as light as a feather, and gentle as a dove. There was no masculinity there, which is perfectly fine with me.
Well, I got kicked out of my Oxford house for having a Xanax prescription that I neglected to tell them about. And since then, after completing outpatient, things returned to chaos for me.
I was unemployed for about a year, and during that time, Mom and Dad floated me financially. My rent is income-based so it was only 100USD at the house I was staying in. But even though I made it known that living alone would cause me to relapse again, no one in my family offered to let me stay with them. The income-based housing was kind of a curse in this regard, because it does not transfer to other housing—it is just those specific units. So in an effort to keep me independent, family urged me to stay. And eventually, I was forced to stay because acquiring housing elsewhere wouldn't be possible without a job or steady income.
And sure enough, I relapsed harder than ever before. I hate this tiny sardine can of an apartment and I often feel like I have to drink just to take my mind off the fact that I have been stagnating here for multiple years. It is painful and it hurts to know I never left my small town that I grew up in as a kid.
I thought that getting on disability income would help me relocate, but it isn't enough without having a job to go with it. And while I am relapsing as hard as I am, I question whether or not I can even hold down a job. And then there is the biggest elephant in the room which is that I just want to die and I have for a very long time. I don't have to "start over" I don't have to try anymore if I just end my life now. And I have plenty of SN in order to take care of that.
But even more recently, I discovered I was trans which has surprisingly given me a modicum of hope. Expressing myself as a girl feels so much more natural and comfortable, and I don't feel like I have to operate under any pretenses of masculinity or "toughness" anymore. I've always been as light as a feather, and gentle as a dove. There was no masculinity there, which is perfectly fine with me.
![Riley [CTBus]](/data/avatars/l/20/20576.jpg?1786776103){kind=avatar}
rest in peace
