Update: I didn't have the balls to do it

[Boots2Scoots]

Looking back and seeing all the supportive responses on my "goodbye" post really warms my heart. I had big plans to CTB (and still do) but everyday there was another reason to not do it. Whether it be my partner, cats, or just clinging onto the false hope that I didn't ruin everything (which I did).

What have I been up to for the past month or so? -- mostly just working. Aside from that, I'm in psychotherapy (which only halfway helps because I can't tell him everything that goes through my mind), been sort of getting back to gaming with friends, and just overall attempting to be my old self.

I'm still severely depressed in knowing what my future more than likely holds and I still go to sleep everynight hoping that something will take me out. I spent a few days to maybe a week attempting to get partial suspension down but it's just not for me. My original choice (and still the dominant one) is CO via charcoal but it's hard for me to find a spot to burn it/get it into my car and then sit in there for a prolonged period without being found. SN technically seems like it's the best but tbh with my situation, I probably shouldn't have sketchy things shipped to my home. Gas is the dream setup but I'd want to leave a majority of my funds for the people in my life, especially my partner. It's not much but it'd be some padding for her.

Anyways.... I'm back for a while. I'm happy to see some of the familiar names I had grown to "know" on here still around. Life is rough and I'm still an absolute piece of shit. I question how I got to the dark place I did for so long because that person was not me. But it happened and I can't change it. My future might be shattered to pieces (and hopes of it being reparable will be on hold for years if not more than a decade because of the bad choices I made) but my brain keeps clinging onto the bits of happiness I can find around me for now. "Happy" to be back though. This past month was a complete blur.

 

[mysticatedwine]

It's okay to not be ready and break down at the last moment. It's hard to let go: I've been there. You have all the time you need to consider things and make sure you're going through with this.

I'm new here so I haven't gotten to talk to anybody really, but it's comforting to see I'm not the only one who has a hard time doing it for real

 

[maniac116]

Glad you're OK. Its just not your time....YET!

 

[Boots2Scoots]

It's okay to not be ready and break down at the last moment. It's hard to let go: I've been there. You have all the time you need to consider things and make sure you're going through with this.

I'm new here so I haven't gotten to talk to anybody really, but it's comforting to see I'm not the only one who has a hard time doing it for real

SI is very real and so is clinging to bits of happiness. The thought of being gone hurts in a weird way even though I've had these thoughts since I was 8 or 9. FOMO is what gets me the most I'd say. I love technology and video games and it kills me to think I'll never experience the future of VR in like 15-20 years when it (hopefully) gets really good. That and letting my nephews down. They are great kids and would be shell shocked if I was gone randomly to say the least.

I think most people struggle to do it even when there are no other options. A lot of CTB's are purely impulse for that reason. It's hard to have a clear mind and then say, "okay, this is the right time". You are not alone in your ways of thinking and although it breaks my heart knowing any of us got to a point where we found this forum -- it's a pleasure to welcome you here! Best of luck to you in anything you put your mind to, even if it's to CTB.

 

[29Forever]

You've got a partner that loves you, that's something, it's more than some have. Don't stress 90% of us here also failed in our attempts. SI is a real bitch, I too go to sleep at night with that same mindset. One foot in front of the other until the perfect opportunity presents itself, everything can change in a day, call it a fairytale but it's true. Keep your head up, even managing to keep working whilst feeling like this is a true test of character, you're doing great.

 

[nails]

it's a big decision, especially considering the fact that you have people and things that you care about. no matter how prepared of ready a person is to ctb, it's always much different when you're actually about to do it. it doesn't say anything about you as a person or how you feel. it's really draining to get so close without actually doing it, but that's really no one's fault.

i'm glad you're okay. however things end up playing out, i hope the decisions you make are right for you, and i hope whatever that decision may be brings you peace.
you seem to really care about a lot of people. it could be nice to stick around for the people you love and the things that you want to see or experience; but i understand that those positive things can end up making you feel more frustrated in this context.

wishing you the best, feel free to reach out if you need anything.

but everyday there was another reason to not do it. Whether it be my partner, cats, or just clinging onto the false hope that I didn't ruin everything (which I did).

also, hug your cats if you can; i'm also really uneasy about leaving my cats

 

[Boots2Scoots]

it's a big decision, especially considering the fact that you have people and things that you care about. no matter how prepared of ready a person is to ctb, it's always much different when you're actually about to do it. it doesn't say anything about you as a person or how you feel. it's really draining to get so close without actually doing it, but that's really no one's fault.

i'm glad you're okay. however things end up playing out, i hope the decisions you make are right for you, and i hope whatever that decision may be brings you peace.
you seem to really care about a lot of people. it could be nice to stick around for the people you love and the things that you want to see or experience; but i understand that those positive things can end up making you feel more frustrated in this context.

wishing you the best, feel free to reach out if you need anything.


also, hug your cats if you can; i'm also really uneasy about leaving my cats

I appreciate those kind words! It makes me feel even worse because I do have a lot. Like I read about some of what people on here have been through and while I def have some trauma, it's not significant in my eyes. Tbh, I set up a nearly ideal lifestyle for myself. It sucks because had I not made the terrible decisions that I did, I wouldn't have ever found this place. It was finally all right there. Ya know? And don't worry, my kitties get plenty of love and hugs hut just hecause you said that, I'll be sure to give them some extra hugs and kisses when I get home today!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome back!

Backing out is ok. Don't be too hard to yourself!

 

[nails]

I appreciate those kind words! It makes me feel even worse because I do have a lot. Like I read about some of what people on here have been through and while I def have some trauma, it's not significant in my eyes. Tbh, I set up a nearly ideal lifestyle for myself. It sucks because had I not made the terrible decisions that I did, I wouldn't have ever found this place. It was finally all right there. Ya know? And don't worry, my kitties get plenty of love and hugs hut just hecause you said that, I'll be sure to give them some extra hugs and kisses when I get home today!

i think a lot of people feel the same as you, most people don't think they really have any grounds to feel so miserable. the pain you feel is valid, and there will always be someone who has it so much worse. it doesn't matter how much you have; if you're suicidal, you're suicidal. it's just as valid as someone who's suicidal because they have nothing/no one—the amount of pain you feel doesn't differ from them just because they've been through more. if you something significant, then it's significant, no matter how you got there.

you seem very sweet and grateful for the positive things in your life, which is pretty refreshing to see. it's difficult to remain grateful for anything when you're dealing with such dark thoughts. i'm sorry you're struggling i hope you'll be able to find some sort of happiness.
at the very least, i hope you'll learn to be easier on yourself in this regard. <3

and i'm happy your cars are receiving a lot of love :,)

 

[myfaultneverlived]

same