Venting unwanted

[heisenberg]

today me and my boyfriend went to an amusement park and had a good time. he told me he had a good day and that he had a lot of fun with me when we were back in the car. later on the ride home, i don't even remember what we were talking about but he said in a joking/lighthearted voice, "we need to take a break, i need space." i just brushed it off since he didn't say it seriously. but i can't help but think he really meant it. i'm going to talk about it with him tomorrow. i don't want him to say yes and we go on a break but even if he says no, i can't shake this feeling of being unwanted now. even if he really was joking and says he doesn't want a break, i wont feel that. and if he says yes, i'll feel unwanted anyone and be alone on top of that. borderline personality disorder will be the death of me. i am always too much or too little for someone. i will never be good enough to be with someone no matter how much i do, i will never be enough. i feel ugly and disgusting. i can barely stand looking at myself in the mirror almost as if i can't recognize myself. who am i that is desired by no one? i am my worst when i'm in a relationship and my best when i'm not, but i can't be alone with this disorder. i am always chasing that attachment, someone that i feel like wont leave me. but now my imagined fear of abandonment has turned into reality. i don't want to lose him but i know it's not right to stop him either. it wont feel the same even if we get back together after a "break" because at one point he didn't want me and that feeling will stick with me forever. i feel so disgusted with myself. i wish i wasn't anyone, i wish i could be anyone but me. i wish i could be someone that he wants. coincidentally i finally got my meto i ordered and my sn kit is now complete. bpd is destroying me. i feel disgusting. i feel worthless. i feel ugly. i feel everything. i feel like throwing up. i don't want to feel any of this anymore, i'm so tired. i always end up alone. at the end of the day, i have no one. everyone always leaves me. i feel too many things too much

 

[karmaisabitch]

Hey! You are just attached to him that's why you're thinking that way. Be cool about it nothing wrong with space we all need it.. i always say when someone wants to leave, I'll open the door for them with a smiley face. I will never let anyone make me feel " unwanted" so stay strong

 

[heisenberg]

Hey! You are just attached to him that's why you're thinking that way. Be cool about it nothing wrong with space we all need it.. i always say when someone wants to leave, I'll open the door for them with a smiley face. I will never let anyone make me feel " unwanted" so stay strong

i know i am attached to him this much, but i've always had black and white thinking with everything. everything is good or it's bad. i'll never stop him from leaving if it's what he wants to do. i know he doesn't intend for me to feel this way, but i just do. i feel things in only highs or lows. a normal person would feel upset over this, maybe slightly depressed. but for me it feels like the end of the world, if he chooses to go then i have nothing. it makes me feel worthless and suicidal. it's hard to think rationally when my mind is just like this - i know i'm overreacting but i can't stop

 

[karmaisabitch]

Don't show you're weakness men like women with confident strong women so be that even if you don't feel strong. After all he's just a man it's not the end of the world. It's normal to feel that way tho I have experienced some pain when I filed for a divorce but deep inside I didn't give a fuck.. anyway don't jump to conclusion if he asked for space and he was series just ask him "why" and don't show that you're dying over him!! Just act cool about it.. good luck with everything I wish you the best

 

[Kalista]

bpd will definitely do that. i was not officially diagnosed, but it was mentioned.

it tears you up even though it's not what you want. the emotional attachment is strong and once you lose that person, it rips a giant fucking hole in your chest then you just want that pain to end. either you try your hardest to keep them around or you suffer with the immense pain it has left you.

it's not easy for someone with bpd. people who don't know how this feels can say the easiest word of advice for it that can be very dismissive. there's a failure in understanding the person. it's not just about a 'simple' relationship problem. once you find that single person that reciprocates how you feel towards them, the strong attachment starts.
it's an endless cycle. just because it's a relationship type of problem doesn't mean it's not any easier to move on from.
the pain you feel is very real and it's difficult to manage once it gets going. it's difficult to 'just stop' feeling and thinking that way.
you want to make it work, you want to do better in the relationship, you try to believe that you can fix it, but it still fails anyway because the emotions are too much for your partner.
it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. expecting it to not end well because of the current problems you have, then it finally happens and the blame begins toward yourself. significantly losing confidence even more on top of it all once that person is gone. never feeling enough for anyone. all of which are an overwhelming experience.

you'll need the assistance of prescribed drugs just to lessen the intense emotional pain. that's a lifetime 'solution' and you're not even supposed to be on those drugs for long periods as it eventually fucks with your brain. can be worse once you're off it.

don't know if you ever spoke to him about bpd, but might help. if he's willing enough to try and understand how it feels for you anyway. good luck with him.

good for you for getting your sn and meto. i hope that it will serve you some level of peace -- whether to have it around for comfort knowing you can leave whenever, or you're choosing to leave sooner.