Help Unsure on whether I should die

[TheLovecraftian]

I've had suicidal ideation on and off since the spring of 2019. Tried to kill myself with pills in 2020, but backed out at the last minute due to high SI and not wanting to upset my loved ones. I've been through shit for the past couple of months. I graduate college soon and I'm scared I won't get a job or become independent. I'd rather die than become a financial burden or live through unbearable mental anguish, but I somehow have a tiny fragment of hope. What should I do?

 

[Unending]

I don't have any advice unfortunately because I believe that it's something you really need to evaluate for yourself but just wanted to offer my condolences. I know it feels pretty damn terrible being in this one foot out the door and one foot in situation.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Hello,

What "should" you do? You're worried about being unable to be a "functional" adult after college but you haven't even reached that point yet. So you should at least try that out first. No need to jump to the worst exact scenario yet. And you should be easy with yourself because it will probably not be an easy adjustment as is the nature of it, especially when you're juggling some mental health issues too.

 

[quiet.rabbit]

I feel the same way as you (except I never went to college) and even almost took SN but backed out. Why don't you just keep living but have a plan ready just in case things do go awry?
You've already worked so hard to get where you're at, you might as well see what life has to offer you for your efforts. There will always be methods and resources available.

 

[RW__Asher23]

The very name of this site tells you where you are and who is here. If you have Doubts. You are not ready. This is not the time but maybe in future it will be but that can change and go one way or the other depending on what you do from here. This is good place to be when indecision or SI tells you there is still something keeping you here and when you did attempt that maybe it wasn't all just SI that kept you from doing it. Maybe you still have more to do here. That is something only you can know and work on to find out but we will be here no matter what you decide to do. Graduate see if you get job maybe get some mental health help try everything you can or ... if you KNOW you have done all you can, every thing you are capable of doing then you better be prepared to accept that people get hurt when people die no matter how they go if someone cares about them. Then there is lots more to think about. ctb is not an easy thing to do and never is it really in the end an easy thing to complete. You can see that just from reading all the posts on this site. Wish you the best and hope you can find the answer withing yourself to know what to do next. Peace.

 

[SlowlyFalling]

I'm actually in a very similar situation right now. About to graduate Community College, and I'm not really sure what I'm going to do next, let alone if I'm ready for it. The best advice I could give is something that I've done in the past when I'm feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel but I want to be hopeful. Try setting goals for yourself. Think only about your next step, and you can't CTB until you've at least done that. As you accomplish more, you'll maybe find that you feel that urge a little less.

 

[guayabas]

in my opinion, I think the best thing to do is reframe some of the thoughts you're having. If I'm missing important info, feel free to let me know. But based on your post it sounds like a big issue is shame of being financially dependent on others. As a disabled person who has to be dependent on others, I had to learn how to get over that. I'm assuming you're able-bodied, but, the economy is shitty, everyone's getting underpaid, especially younger ppl, and if you aren't able to find a job or be financially dependent, you're not alone.

It says way more about the economy and the greedy ppl trying to pay as little as possible than it does about you. Our parents, and our parents parents were getting paid much better in relation to cost of living than we are, and it feels like we're not really adults bc we've been unable to achieve the same milestones they did at our age. We can't compare ourselves to them.

This is not to say you won't find a job or be able to pull off independence. But sometimes it helps the depression spiral to be able to change your inner monologue from "I'm gonna a burden" to something like, "I'm gonna do my best, and maybe I'll find a job but if I don't, I still have value as a person and I will figure something out." I know it's cheesy lol but it's still true.

the unbearable mental anguish is a whole other thing unfortunately. I have no guesses as to what's causing that for you so I have no suggestions

 

[sheepgirl]

If you are unsure then it's not your time. Those fears and anxieties are 100% valid but what if they don't come true and you've ended your life for no good reason. It's something I have to battle with myself a lot, I get suicidal a lot and I have to try remember if there is some hope then it's not my time.

 

[SoftWorries]

I think it's important to learn about capitalism and to not set your self worth to how good of a worker you'll be.

If life is worth living it's worth living learning about and focused on the things that make you truly happy.

Only you know if life is worth it. Don't let the expectations of society be the edge you're pushed off of.

 

[throwaway280948]

I've had suicidal ideation on and off since the spring of 2019. Tried to kill myself with pills in 2020, but backed out at the last minute due to high SI and not wanting to upset my loved ones. I've been through shit for the past couple of months. I graduate college soon and I'm scared I won't get a job or become independent. I'd rather die than become a financial burden or live through unbearable mental anguish, but I somehow have a tiny fragment of hope. What should I do?

Hey man I hope you're still around. Having just the smallest bit of hope is all you need to turn things around trust me. If you need anything or just someone to talk to my messages are always open. I hope you have started to find your inner peace :) -MQ