Venting university students, how do you deal with thoughts/serious consideration of suicide

[brickedup]

i'm in university and am studying for a science degree. all of this information to memorize in such a short amount of time. not to mention i'm in very high level courses as well. im bad at math. i cant memorize for shit. when i read, its like sometimes the sentence doesn't make any sense. i picked a science career cause i thought it would be a fun way to make money, but i'm not as smart as i used to be when i was younger, and it really shows.

i also feel like my life is in a box and i cant get out. i see other girls my age laughing with their friends and having fun, and i know i can't do that cause it's a bit difficult to socialize, and i was homeschooled all throughout middle and high school (which i regret doing) so i barely have irl friends, and i dont even meet up with them. not having any friends in my second semester here is making me feel empty and lonely.

but hey at least i'm in school to earn a degree which i'm not sure i'm even smart enough to pass, right? all i have to worry about is my future right? that's what my parents tell me, to focus on whats going to make me succeed in the future. yet the state of my mental health is eating away at me everyday. i'm not sure what i even want to do anymore, i've lost motivation to live.

everyones forming their lives and i feel stuck in an empty space, and then theres a feeling of impending doom that i'm going to die soon, that my life is just going to end abruptly, and i'll regret the things i wasn't able to have in life. i mean i do plan on ctb soon anyways, but this feeling is just horrendous. i don't really want to die, but the future looks grim.

i want to try to study, but seriously considering ctb is discouraging me. but at the same time, if i dont ctb, and decide to lock in for my future, my grades will be low from not studying.

huge yappathon here, but i was just wondering if anyone else felt like this. like even though they have sort of an oppertunity in life, they still feel stuck and depressed. like they're not good or smart enough, and they've lost all motivation to move forward.

tldr; no social life, declining mental abilities, depression, and regret affecting student life

 

[Benjiii]

I felt the same way as you. The solution in my case was to drop out of university, since it's difficult enough as it is, now imagine dealing with mental health issues. I don't know if it applies to your situation because I don't know how far along you are in your degree, and I also don't know if your parents would take it well, since in my case they understood because of my suicidal thoughts. I also have a best friend; we weren't together all the time, but we saw each other at least once a week, and she was always my emotional support, which makes my situation even more different from yours. Anyway, I would start by trying to talk to your parents and follow your own pace in life. Since I accepted that, I'm much calmer looking for a job; the rest will take care of my future self.