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BrokenBelt

Member
Dec 1, 2020
14
I attempted to hang myself (partial) a few weeks back and survived/failed. I'm not sure whether my attempt was intentional or not.

I'd researched methods and decided on partial. I'd experimented and knew I would be able to do it. I'd connected a couple of belts together, put one end around a beam and the other end around my neck with a couple of socks over the carotids. It was inducing the dizziness that I knew would lead to black out.

One evening a few weeks ago, I took my experimenting further... but this time I blacked out completely. The last thing I recall was thinking 'yes, this is working, I can easily stand and loosen the belt around my neck'. Next thing I recall was being disorientated and collapsed on the floor - and I mean completely disorientated. I thought I must have loosened the belt. I felt out of it, but took the belt off and climbed into bed and fell asleep.

It was only the next morning that I saw that the belt has snapped. The old, worn leather belt around my neck had simply pulled apart. It was (still is) a huge shock to realise that all for that broken belt that I would probably be dead now.

I still don't really know how to process that. The thought I could be dead now is kind of freaking me out.
 
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sadworld

sadworld

existence is a nightmare
Aug 25, 2020
3,870
That's where you got your name from, I guess haha. Jokes aside, if you use something stronger than a belt next time you will ctb.
The thought I could be dead now is kind of freaking me out.
In a good or bad way? I mean, does it scare you? It would be nice if you give recovery a chance but that's totally up to you. Best wishes! :hug: :heart:
 
Silver

Silver

The 21st century is when everything changes
Aug 8, 2020
739
Yeah, that's why you've got to be careful when experimenting with partial, in case it goes too far when you weren't prepared. Glad you didn't have any negative consequences. How do you feel about it failing?
 
Mentalmick

Mentalmick

IMHOTEP!!!
Nov 30, 2020
2,048
Had a similar incident whilst in hospital using a dressing gown tie. (suicide proof rooms my arse)
 
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BrokenBelt

Member
Dec 1, 2020
14
Yeah, that's why you've got to be careful when experimenting with partial, in case it goes too far when you weren't prepared. Glad you didn't have any negative consequences.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me with your thoughtful post. Yes, I guess my story could serve as a cautionary tale, for me and for others. I was genuinely alarmed/surprised the following morning when I realised that I had obviously passed out. I thought (in my confused state) that I'd simply undone the belt. Seeing the broken belt lying on the floor shocked me; made me realise what had actually happened. I would have only been out for a minimal amount of time, the belt giving way under my full weight (I had only been leaning into it until that point) I guess fewer than a couple of seconds so, no, no negative side physical effects (and thank you for asking)

How do you feel about it failing?

The truth is, I don't honestly know. I thought that I'd 'dealt' with it in these past couple of weeks, but it seems not. I really don't know what to make of it.

I don't know if it's success or failure. Perhaps those are the wrong criteria to judge it by. Sure, I didn't 'succeed' in killing myself but I'm not sure that was my intention anyway. It might be a success that I failed. The thing that's hit me more like a profound shock. A shock that I could be dead right now (but for a breaking belt). I don't know how I feel about the thought of actually being dead. I don't know if that's what I really wanted. I get a feeling that I was... playing with fire I guess. Not really realising what taking my own life was about - what being dead really meant. I feel a little bit stupid for even trying it but at the same time thankful that I have. I want to see it as a lesson learned... but I don't think I'm quite there yet.

I had a dream last night which I could interpret in a number of ways. As a rule, I don't usually read much into dreams. I see them as a kind of random memory slide show, though I would acknowledge that they reflect what might be on your mind. That is to say that I think something might be learned from considering our dreams in the light of current events. In my dream, I was stuck in a traffic jam. I was behind a huge truck that was stopped at an intersection. I wasn't in a car, I think I was on foot, and there were vehicles stopped all around me, just waiting to cross the intersection. As I waited, I leaned on the back of the truck.... and, much to my surprise, it rolled forward!

In interpretation, I might see that truck as being like the thoughts I'm having at the moment. Thoughts that are blocking me, making me think it's difficult to move on. Yet I was capable of moving that huge, apparently unmovable object easily! Is my dream saying (am I saying to myself) that I can simply move past these thoughts with a little effort, that they are not the encumbrance I see. I don't know. Perhaps it was just a dream.

Words and metaphor are very good at telling stories, painting pictures and generally creating alternate realities. Fantastic fantasy worlds are created with words. You can make the impossible believable with words. We can entertain untruth because it sounds believable, because it seems to make sense grammatically and semantically, and we want to believe. Words can do that. So sometimes I don't know when I am talking of something that's real, or when its merely something that sounds as though it makes sense. I really don't know.
 
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Elementalist
Nov 11, 2020
889
Interesting, I’m curious as to why you were practicing if you didn’t want to die? It’s hard to draw the line when practicing and it’s easy to end up accidentally ctb
 
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BrokenBelt

Member
Dec 1, 2020
14
Interesting, I’m curious as to why you were practicing if you didn’t want to die? It’s hard to draw the line when practicing and it’s easy to end up accidentally ctb

I was practicing to ensure that I got it right for when I decided the time had come. I was, I suppose, undecided about wanting to die. Last week I think was the closest I have come to deciding that I wanted to.


Edit: The following is a new post. The forum software amalgamated it with my above reply.

I have decided to move on from here. I am too fragile at the moment and cannot take the noise (without disrespect to anyone here) I am sure there is support available here but I am not currently resilient enough to ignore the rough and tumble that also exists. I cannot take hurt, I need to focus on me.

I have realised that I don't want to die. I have people around me and a life to live. I want to concentrate on the steps I need to take to resolve my 'problems'. I know I can do it. Suicide is not my answer.

Thank you to those that I have shared discussion with. :heart:
 
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