Unhappy and barely functioning

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

The only people I can communicate with are people on the Internet who typically tend to be assholes which I can't really handle because I already feel terrible as it is (not talking about here). And not going online isn't an option for me because if I didn't talk to people online I wouldn't talk to anyone at all.

I'm currently not eating properly, and this is going to sound crazy but it's because of the dishes. I just cannot manage the fucking dishes. I'm severely anemic so I can't stand up for more than 15 minutes at a time, so I only get threw a few plates and cups. There's always shit piled in the sink and on the sideboard. And obviously if I don't have clean dishes I can't make food, and if I can't make food then I just don't eat which further exacerbates my anemia. And I have ARFID which makes things even worse. I'm pretty sure I'm deficient in a lot of vital vitamins and nutrients, not to mention I have gastro issues because of ARFID.

Like I'm already going through mental torment, I can't deal with the physically feeling like shit on top that. I'm always very physically uncomfortable. I really want to escape from my body as well as my mind.

Can't breathe properly because of asthma and a jaw deformity that constricts my airway. I constantly feel like I'm dying because of my anemia. I'm incredibly deficient in vitamin D because I never go outside.

I hardly shower because I don't have the motivation. I don't wash my face. My place is a mess but I can't touch anything because of my OCD even though living in trash is making me feel worse. My paranoia has gotten to the point where it's bordering on schizophrenia.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time by myself. I spend most major holidays by myself. I spend every birthday by myself. I've never truly known normalcy in all my life.

Aside from all of that, I just don't want to be here anymore. I always feel very tired like I need to lie down. I really want to just go to sleep and never wake up again. I don't even know who I'm living for at this point. I'm choosing not to CTB right now because of family politics but I truly see suicide as an inevitability for myself.

Thinking about killing myself provides me with a level of comfort that nothing else in life ever has. I find it thrilling almost.

Every day I just get more and more tired. Something is going to give eventually.

 

[Burned out]

Lack of vitamin D screws up your sense of well being and in specific ways you wouldn't even think were possible. Taking a supplement doesn't work well for me because they make me feel weird and not at all like sunshine makes me feel, but going outside fries my skin in minutes and I don't like being tan.
I think normalcy is a lie, maybe happiness, too.

 

[Passersby]

Hi, I can really relate to a lot of the issues you talk about. I suffer a lot of those same issues myself. Being physically uncomfortable all the time is no good and creates a lot of distress in the mind. Ive told myself it will somehow get better and fix itself over time but so far that hasn't happened with me. Maybe it can happen with you though. I have no idea how I have made it this far.

Maybe you could try some deep breathing exercises, some kind of meditation or light stretches? I know this won't magically fix it but for me it's all about finding a distraction even if it's small. The problem with me is that I'm never free in my mind. Even if I'm distracting then my mind is also still fighting the issues with the body therefore it's never free. Do you feel like your a prisoner in your body and mind too?

 

[Thisgirlwantstosleep]

Hi, I can really relate to a lot of the issues you talk about. I suffer a lot of those same issues myself. Being physically uncomfortable all the time is no good and creates a lot of distress in the mind. Ive told myself it will somehow get better and fix itself over time but so far that hasn't happened with me. Maybe it can happen with you though. I have no idea how I have made it this far.

Maybe you could try some deep breathing exercises, some kind of meditation or light stretches? I know this won't magically fix it but for me it's all about finding a distraction even if it's small. The problem with me is that I'm never free in my mind. Even if I'm distracting then my mind is also still fighting the issues with the body therefore it's never free. Do you feel like your a prisoner in your body and mind too?

I'd rather be anyone but myself and often fantasise about switching lives with random strangers.

I just always feel uncomfortable. If I'm not hungry, then I feel sick and nauseous because of anxiety if it's not that then I'm tense or sweating, then I can never breathe properly, always feel exhausted. I don't know what's it like to just feel neutral.

I too am also never free in my mind. In fact I spend the entire day trying to distract myself from my problems and mh triggers are so extensive that it means I do repetitive things. I can't watch reality TV at this point because it's about sex/relationships/friendships and that triggers me and reminds me about my loneliness. Can't listen to most songs, can't read most books. I'm essentially trapped.

 

[Passersby]

I'd rather be anyone but myself and often fantasise about switching lives with random strangers.

I just always feel uncomfortable. If I'm not hungry, then I feel sick and nauseous because of anxiety if it's not that then I'm tense or sweating, then I can never breathe properly, always feel exhausted. I don't know what's it like to just feel neutral.

I too am also never free in my mind. In fact I spend the entire day trying to distract myself from my problems and mh triggers are so extensive that it means I do repetitive things. I can't watch reality TV at this point because it's about sex/relationships/friendships and that triggers me and reminds me about my loneliness. Can't listen to most songs, can't read most books. I'm essentially trapped.

I'm sorry life is like this for you. I feel exactly the same way. I have all those same problems you mentioned and am also repetive. I tend to repeat certain phrases I like. I can't even watch much tv either because I'm so uncomfortable. It's exhausting and miserable and nobody else understands. The last therapist I talked to bascially just said I have general anxiety and people get hurt and have accidents and suffer from all kinds of things and there's nothing to do about it but keep on living. I stopped going a while ago. They can't help me. I'm trapped too. If you ever feel like talking about these things feel free to pm me. I can't fix them but can listen. Life can be miserable. I'm sorry.

 

[Marktheghost]

You don't need to wash the dishes all the time. Just use the same bowl, plate, mug etc all the time. I'm so depressed I haven't washed up for literally years, and I've not got food poisoning or anything. So you don't need to worry so much about that.

 

[LastFlowers]

You don't need to wash the dishes all the time. Just use the same bowl, plate, mug etc all the time. I'm so depressed I haven't washed up for literally years, and I've not got food poisoning or anything. So you don't need to worry so much about that.

I don't want the environmental nazis to come after me, but would using paper plates and throwaway utensils be helpful, OP?

I'd rather be anyone but myself and often fantasise about switching lives with random strangers.

I just always feel uncomfortable. If I'm not hungry, then I feel sick and nauseous because of anxiety if it's not that then I'm tense or sweating, then I can never breathe properly, always feel exhausted. I don't know what's it like to just feel neutral.

I too am also never free in my mind. In fact I spend the entire day trying to distract myself from my problems and mh triggers are so extensive that it means I do repetitive things. I can't watch reality TV at this point because it's about sex/relationships/friendships and that triggers me and reminds me about my loneliness. Can't listen to most songs, can't read most books. I'm essentially trapped.

My distractions set me off too, I can't escape what tortures me, I can't even escape my own physical self that is the basis of the torment, it is exhausting and I also slack on the hygiene because I simply have no will to live, never mind worrying about caring for/feeding a body I want to tear apart and annihilate.
I relate to much of what you say and I also have jaw issues (as well as many other problems, much of which are related), not only do I look like shit but it has become excruciatingly painful, the pain pushes me over the edge even though I would gladly take it over the general discomfort and disgust with what I'm dealing with externally.
Then there's everything else that has been stolen from me, and it's all bountiful in those around me, as well as in fiction and fairy tales and all matters of media-the things that are meant to be our escape..even those betray and taunt us.

I am sorry you are experiencing some of the same, were you the one who commented on my door ripping/smashing rage?
I guess that wasn't the only thing we have in common, I believe it's only natural to implode when you're so often pushed to your limit, I feel like I would be having outbursts like that every single day if it weren't for the complete lack of energy (as well as inherently not being a volatile person in that way), it's like I have to internalize everything, the big things, the little things, all the things compounded, until I erupt like a demonic volcano straight from the depths of the hell I am shackled to.
I also spend a ridiculous amount of time alone, as you mentioned you do, and have dealt with OCD in the past (though I have managed to stave it off for the most part, or I just don't notice what is left of it until it acts up), I also can't breathe worth a damn because of something that happened to me which made an already narrow airway (from my jaw and poor facial structure) all the more detrimental.
I am filled with anxiety, which used to manifest as me becoming stiff as a corpse and being unblinking and 'unbreathing', but now it has switched to me violently chattering my teeth and shaking and sweating profusely, I just can't take it anymore, so I understand that you probably can't either, it's all a horrible mess.
I cry every single day, I scream, I suffer, it is all on deaf ears.

 

[Largeletters]

I'm really sorry you're going through all of these things. It sounds terrible and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be exhausting, I'm sorry to hear that you have to experience this. Our bodies can become like prisons and we cannot escape from ourselves. I see death as the only way to find peace for myself too. I wish you the best.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, that's a lot to deal with and no doubt a constant struggle. Maybe you could invest in those paper party plates and disposable cups. Then you wouldn't have to deal with the nightmare of the sink all the time. I knew somebody who did that and it made that part of his life a little easier. I know you have all those other obstacles to deal with but try not to let everything get on top of you. Deal with one thing at a time. Whole body wet wipes (I use those a lot) are really good when you are struggling to shower. I get them in a big bucket and they last for ages.

 

[WadeingThru]

I'm currently not eating properly, and this is going to sound crazy but it's because of the dishes. I just cannot manage the fucking dishes. I'm severely anemic so I can't stand up for more than 15 minutes at a time, so I only get threw a few plates and cups. There's always shit piled in the sink and on the sideboard. And obviously if I don't have clean dishes I can't make food,

I had a friend that was mad at his girlfriend for never doing the dishes and he was always washing a shit load of dishes. He resolve the issue by throwing out all but 2 dishes, 2 bowls, 2forks, 2 spoons, 2 knives… I could continue the list but you get my point.