sashaisalone
Shattered Angel
- Mar 24, 2026
- 14
I've considered making a thread dedicated to my angst and trauma regarding losing the love, safety, and belonging of my now ex girlfriend. Perhaps that will be a topic for later. I want to make this on the broader topic of trying to understand and care for people who matter to you, even providing some level of sacrifice when they are in need, and feeling like they'd do the same for you if the situation was reversed. The first body paragraph will reference a previous thread of mine that was removed by moderation, so I'll try not to be exact, but it should be apparent to how it's pertinent to the theme of this post.
So on the suicide discussion forum (perhaps this was the wrong channel), I proposed a hypothetical situation where you have a friend who is "in need" so to speak and is suicidal. You'd rather not provide them this particular help. However, if you give them what they need, their suicidality would be permanently cured and they'd go on to live a healthy normally functional life. I strongly leaned yes, but responses were mixed. Once my account has full privileges, I can perhaps PM people who are interested more of what this was. But the point was, would you be willing to do something a bit (or very) sacrificial and potentially unpleasant to help your friend because you care for them and you want them to live and be happy? I can understand how the purpose of this thread would be misconstrued, but I will say I did feel invalidated by it being removed, and like people may always just think of me as weird and unfit to belong. I have a tendency of asking weird, crude, or taboo hypotheticals because I feel like they act as good grounds to test people's priorities or their moral axioms.
Now is the part where I talk about my ex. She broke up with me because I did a bunch of irrational and impulsive things that made her feel like I was untrustworthy and a liability to be in a romantic relationship with. That, and there were a lot of communication issues on what her boundaries were and how I can fulfill her needs and respect her wishes while making sure the integrity of our relationship was solid, and that my own needs would be met. We did really truly love each other however. I'll never forget the way she looked into my eyes in a way no one else ever has before, how gentle and patient we were with each other, and how much we adored each other, and wanting to make each other feel safe, happy, and to heal from our past traumas. A large part of me wants to get back with her and learn from our mistakes. But sometimes, people can matter a lot to each other, and develop uniquely strong feelings, but they still might not be the right fit. That's a possibility too.
While I'm agnostic as to whether we should be romantic again, I know she matters a ton to me, and if she were ever in need and needed me to help or rescue her, I'd come running to her aid without reservation or hesitation. Just "Where can I find you? Will you be okay until I am able to reach you? Okay then, sit tight, I'm coming.". When I explained this to her, she said she'd basically do this for me too, with or without a romantic commitment. Also for context, this was a long distance relationship, but I went on vacation with her once, and I stayed at her place, we shared our first kiss, slept in the same bed together, and we had intimate experiences too. It was a modest inexpensive studio apartment that was conveniently located near her place of work. However, while I was staying, there was never a place where I felt more "at home". Soon after I created this account, I called her yesterday on Discord, clearly in distress, and I indicated in prior messages that I was "not okay"/"I need to hear your voice", and that I would be participating in these forums.
I sobbed my eyes out a lot. I remember clutching my arms against me and trembling and stroking myself with my thumbs to self soothe. I remember averting my gaze from the webcam lens frequently. I mentioned how I felt unseen, uncared for, and like I can't make sense of how people treat me, including her. I explained that I did not think in a factual sense that she didn't care for me, but I said that it's very hard for me to feel cared for, because I know if I was another person and I was a part of the life of Sasha (my name), I did not truly care for her, but I felt pity and guilt for not caring, I'd treat her exactly the way her ex treats her, her friends treat her, and how her family treats her. She took that personally even though I tried to explain how this doesn't mean I think she doesn't care, but it still makes me feel very invalidated none the less. I also indicated that I wished to "come home" and to know that I'm cared for and safe. She said she wasn't sure she was ready, she has her own needs and boundaries separate from me, but she does want me to be okay and happy. That activates that same feeling schema though that I feel uncared for.
If the situations were reversed, I was my ex, and Sasha was telling me what she was telling me, and I was afraid that if I didn't help her, she might die; not only would I not be hesitant about having her come visit me. I wouldn't even just say "Okay, you can come home. I just want you to be okay and be safe.". I would BEG her to please come home and that I can't promise we'll fall in love again, but romantic relationship or not, "Sasha you are so precious and special to me", and I can't stand her heart being in peril and the thought of losing her. No one has ever loved me the way she's loved me. During the honey moon phase of her crushing on me and falling for me, she would have likely done this.
In any case, it feels like no one will ever love me the way I wish I loved myself, and the way I wish I was loved during important formative years in my middle childhood. It feels like I'll always be a disappointment or a burden, and that not only will my existence will be treated as a malignance, but if I dare want to do the logical thing and end my existence that everyone seems to despise, that's an even greater malignance. I don't think our society allows vulnerability and sacrifice. I think only a society that did would allow me to thrive and to help others.
So on the suicide discussion forum (perhaps this was the wrong channel), I proposed a hypothetical situation where you have a friend who is "in need" so to speak and is suicidal. You'd rather not provide them this particular help. However, if you give them what they need, their suicidality would be permanently cured and they'd go on to live a healthy normally functional life. I strongly leaned yes, but responses were mixed. Once my account has full privileges, I can perhaps PM people who are interested more of what this was. But the point was, would you be willing to do something a bit (or very) sacrificial and potentially unpleasant to help your friend because you care for them and you want them to live and be happy? I can understand how the purpose of this thread would be misconstrued, but I will say I did feel invalidated by it being removed, and like people may always just think of me as weird and unfit to belong. I have a tendency of asking weird, crude, or taboo hypotheticals because I feel like they act as good grounds to test people's priorities or their moral axioms.
Now is the part where I talk about my ex. She broke up with me because I did a bunch of irrational and impulsive things that made her feel like I was untrustworthy and a liability to be in a romantic relationship with. That, and there were a lot of communication issues on what her boundaries were and how I can fulfill her needs and respect her wishes while making sure the integrity of our relationship was solid, and that my own needs would be met. We did really truly love each other however. I'll never forget the way she looked into my eyes in a way no one else ever has before, how gentle and patient we were with each other, and how much we adored each other, and wanting to make each other feel safe, happy, and to heal from our past traumas. A large part of me wants to get back with her and learn from our mistakes. But sometimes, people can matter a lot to each other, and develop uniquely strong feelings, but they still might not be the right fit. That's a possibility too.
While I'm agnostic as to whether we should be romantic again, I know she matters a ton to me, and if she were ever in need and needed me to help or rescue her, I'd come running to her aid without reservation or hesitation. Just "Where can I find you? Will you be okay until I am able to reach you? Okay then, sit tight, I'm coming.". When I explained this to her, she said she'd basically do this for me too, with or without a romantic commitment. Also for context, this was a long distance relationship, but I went on vacation with her once, and I stayed at her place, we shared our first kiss, slept in the same bed together, and we had intimate experiences too. It was a modest inexpensive studio apartment that was conveniently located near her place of work. However, while I was staying, there was never a place where I felt more "at home". Soon after I created this account, I called her yesterday on Discord, clearly in distress, and I indicated in prior messages that I was "not okay"/"I need to hear your voice", and that I would be participating in these forums.
I sobbed my eyes out a lot. I remember clutching my arms against me and trembling and stroking myself with my thumbs to self soothe. I remember averting my gaze from the webcam lens frequently. I mentioned how I felt unseen, uncared for, and like I can't make sense of how people treat me, including her. I explained that I did not think in a factual sense that she didn't care for me, but I said that it's very hard for me to feel cared for, because I know if I was another person and I was a part of the life of Sasha (my name), I did not truly care for her, but I felt pity and guilt for not caring, I'd treat her exactly the way her ex treats her, her friends treat her, and how her family treats her. She took that personally even though I tried to explain how this doesn't mean I think she doesn't care, but it still makes me feel very invalidated none the less. I also indicated that I wished to "come home" and to know that I'm cared for and safe. She said she wasn't sure she was ready, she has her own needs and boundaries separate from me, but she does want me to be okay and happy. That activates that same feeling schema though that I feel uncared for.
If the situations were reversed, I was my ex, and Sasha was telling me what she was telling me, and I was afraid that if I didn't help her, she might die; not only would I not be hesitant about having her come visit me. I wouldn't even just say "Okay, you can come home. I just want you to be okay and be safe.". I would BEG her to please come home and that I can't promise we'll fall in love again, but romantic relationship or not, "Sasha you are so precious and special to me", and I can't stand her heart being in peril and the thought of losing her. No one has ever loved me the way she's loved me. During the honey moon phase of her crushing on me and falling for me, she would have likely done this.
In any case, it feels like no one will ever love me the way I wish I loved myself, and the way I wish I was loved during important formative years in my middle childhood. It feels like I'll always be a disappointment or a burden, and that not only will my existence will be treated as a malignance, but if I dare want to do the logical thing and end my existence that everyone seems to despise, that's an even greater malignance. I don't think our society allows vulnerability and sacrifice. I think only a society that did would allow me to thrive and to help others.
Last edited:
