Uncontrollable Rage

[Ruffian]

Does anyone else here suffer from this? I feel it towards myself or the world constantly and it makes me want to ctb. It's a major reason anyway. I just totally flipped out and threw a plate across my kitchen because I just had another problem added to the mountain of woes I'm already living under. I ruined the dinner (glass in it) I took 2 hours to make, and it took like another hour to clean up all the broken glass. I feel so defeated and self-loathing afterwards it turns into this whole vicious cycle. I feel like I am never going to be happy again & there is no point even trying.

 

[Emptiness]

I'm sorry to read that. When I'm angry to the point of wanting to physically externalize all the fury at once, it helps to calm myself down to think that, after all, life is finite and thus will end some day (either by taking it ourselves or other causes), regardless of what are or cease to be, and regardless of what we have or cease to have, because it will no longer matter.

 

[Steapa Snotor]

I'm constantly in rage. It generally leads me to self-harm or mental breakdowns.

People say that meditation can help, but I've never tried it.

 

[defaultusername]

Hopefully that will go away. Maybe your young yet. After a while you won't do shit like that. At least that's how I am.

 

[TAW122]

I used to be in a perpetual state of rage and anger. It has gotten better at times and currently in my life, I am more cool-headed and level-headed than I was years ago. At one of the worst times, I kicked a hole in the wall of an apartment (many years ago) and I spent a long time to patch up the drywall. Luckily, when I moved out, I managed to patch up the drywall well enough to cover up the damages and not get charged/billed for damage to the apartment. But yeah, I did have anger issues when I was younger.

 

[Ruffian]

Hopefully that will go away. Maybe your young yet. After a while you won't do shit like that. At least that's how I am.

Um, I'm 51, but thanks. See why I'm here?

I used to be in a perpetual state of rage and anger. It has gotten better at times and currently in my life, I am more cool-headed and level-headed than I was years ago. At one of the worst times, I kicked a hole in the wall of an apartment (many years ago) and I spent a long time to patch up the drywall. Luckily, when I moved out, I managed to patch up the drywall well enough to cover up the damages and not get charged/billed for damage to the apartment. But yeah, I did have anger issues when I was younger.

That's good it went away. I wish mine would.

 

[intheweeds]

Have you ever tried any kind of treatment for it?

I take a blood pressure medication and have cut down on caffeine. I found that's helped with some of my rage.

 

[Xaphous]

Yes but I know mine is from being devoid of a social life and being so for the majority of my life. So it's a constant cycling of depression, anxiety or anger.

 

[Roberto]

I suffer from this. That is 50% the reason I avoid people. The other 50% is that I'm afraid other people hurt me.
I'm unstable. I'm so quiet. But at certain degree of stress I explode and become a bad aggressive person. 3 months ago I broke the door kicking it and I loss my big finger's nail.

 

[Marawa]

Um, I'm 51, but thanks. See why I'm here?

That's good it went away. I wish mine would.

I'm 51 as well & I understand. it's not constant but an unhealthy level

 

[Ruffian]

Have you ever tried any kind of treatment for it?

I take a blood pressure medication and have cut down on caffeine. I found that's helped with some of my rage.

You know what? I cut down so much on caffeine; I only have 1-2 cups first thing in the morning. I do take blood pressure medicine, so I worry about that, you know giving myself a heart attack or stroke. But ever since I posted this I'm starting to realize that I think it's just easier to be raging all the time rather than deal with the profound anxiety underneath. I had a total stranger recognize how irrationally I worry about stuff, and I can't stop thinking about how he just picked up on it after talking for like 10 minutes.

Yes but I know mine is from being devoid of a social life and being so for the majority of my life. So it's a constant cycling of depression, anxiety or anger.

Yes, it makes life so difficult.

 

[Jumper]

If anything, rage is a good thing. Increases my likelihood of CTBing. Feel much more determined when raging.

 

[Roger]

Rage ?

No, not me.

Just deep sadness and despair.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Just take anger management classes problem solved. LOL Just kidding. I think part of it is genetic.

 

[TimeToDie]

Rage takes far more energy than I have left.

 

[Jumper]

Rage takes far more energy than I have left.

It's not about energy or choice. It just arises. It's a product of the brain, as is apathy.

 

[TimeToDie]

It's not about energy or choice. It just arises. It's a product of the brain, as is apathy.

Apathy -- lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern -- takes no energy at all. Apathy literally requires zero effort.

 

[Jumper]

Apathy -- lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern -- takes no energy at all. Apathy literally requires zero effort.

Yes, but apathy is a product of the brain. Anger is also a product of the brain. Regarding anger, it's not about having energy for it or not... it just happens. I have had both. I prefer anger because I become determined to CTB. Impossible to CTB in the apathetic state.

 

[Soul]

I cut out caffeine completely for a while and it made no difference at all; and I have very low blood pressure so that's not it either. I started taking anti-anxiety meds specifically to deal with outburts of verbal aggression. The meds have helped somewhat. Have you tried anything like that, @Ruffian?

Working out regularly to high-energy music? Meditation? Martial arts training? They're as classic as smashing plates, and maybe worth a try?

 

[srk003]

I can relate to this. Up until recently I'd just lose it - not at people but by punching walls and sometimes smashing up inanimate objects I have in private. I use booze and light drugs to calm me down. But over the last few months I've become numb with only occasional anger (this may change). Maybe before I was angry because subconsciously thought I could work things out and it'll get better, it was just going to take so much effort and time. Now I think reality is setting in: it won't.

 

[Rollo]

It's not about energy or choice. It just arises. It's a product of the brain, as is apathy.

If it's not a choice but a product of the brain that only arises - why do people say things like 'you should be angry'? You can just google the phrase and see a whoe bunch of articles where authors are pondering on the subject as to why one should/shouldn't get angry at something in particular or at all at once. You don't get the same about say migraine, one thing that certainly is no choice but only arises.

But ever since I posted this I'm starting to realize that I think it's just easier to be raging all the time rather than deal with the profound anxiety underneath. I had a total stranger recognize how irrationally I worry about stuff, and I can't stop thinking about how he just picked up on it after talking for like 10 minutes.

Trully irrational things you wouldn't worry about - like Spongebob lunging at you from the screen and cutting your head of. Anxiety is a profound issue indeed, however this guy saying you worry irrationally only reflects his subjective emotional preference. 'Irratonal worry' in common speak means 'no need to worry'. However when, why and in what sense why needs to worry - very subjective stuff. Even if part of you agrees with him that your worry is 'irrational' and hence you don't need to worry here - obviously there's another and more powerful part that begs to differ. So without understanding and negotiating with this part any meaningful progress will hardly be possible. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Soul]

@Ruffian, this one's for you.
Last night in Chicago, giving everybody courage for years and years and years:

 

[Ruffian]

@Ruffian, this one's for you.
Last night in Chicago, giving everybody courage for years and years and years:

Thanks Soul! I think the Stones are the least depressing music in the world. I mean, they have sad songs, but generally they just rock out. I put the line with my profile pic as a last gasp at maybe getting out of this place I'm in mentally and physically. The physical hasn't been too bad lately, but my mental health has been horrible. I don't ever want to get out of bed. I'm frozen, afraid, and I generally feel like a failure. This is the last song at the end of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," one of my favorite movies. I used to have the lust for life like Hunter S. Thompson, and when he drives away at the end in the desert trailing the American Flag it used to be a symbol of my spirit. I want to get back there, but I've just never been this low before. I can't afford the treatment I need, and I'm terrified of working anymore. It's awful. And at the time I was thinking, well, Hunter went out on his own terms at the end of a shotgun, why shouldn't I? Even though he could barely walk and his mental health wasn't't great. He was also a lot older than I am now. Plus I couldn't use a gun, but he was way into firearms so it makes sense.

And I don't like to be vengeful, but I hope a certain family will think of me any time they hear this song. For pasting my fucking profile pic on Facebook and then their local news. Of course, no one would associate it with me personally, but that really pissed me off. My screen name and that quote belong to a part of me only I know, and I shared what it means here in another post. SS is somewhere I let out shit I never even tell a therapist. I know most people let go of all that hype by now, but damn, this is a private forum of people at their lowest. It's not like there was one person on here suffering. I'm sorry, I never really said anything about it in my original response when Marquis wrote his post "about recent events", but I didn't know at that time I was one of the first responses splashed on someone's Facebook page and then their local news.

Thanks for this though - I saw the Stones in 1980 with my dad - I had a miserable childhood, but that was one great memory. They lowered Mick down on a cherry picker. Of course since it was 1980 they opened with Start Me Up.

 

[Soul]

Thanks Soul! I think the Stones are the least depressing music in the world. I mean, they have sad songs, but generally they just rock out. I put the line with my profile pic as a last gasp at maybe getting out of this place I'm in mentally and physically. The physical hasn't been too bad lately, but my mental health has been horrible. I don't ever want to get out of bed. I'm frozen, afraid, and I generally feel like a failure. This is the last song at the end of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," one of my favorite movies. I used to have the lust for life like Hunter S. Thompson, and when he drives away at the end in the desert trailing the American Flag it used to be a symbol of my spirit. I want to get back there, but I've just never been this low before. I can't afford the treatment I need, and I'm terrified of working anymore. It's awful. And at the time I was thinking, well, Hunter went out on his own terms at the end of a shotgun, why shouldn't I? Even though he could barely walk and his mental health wasn't't great. He was also a lot older than I am now. Plus I couldn't use a gun, but he was way into firearms so it makes sense.

And I don't like to be vengeful, but I hope a certain family will think of me any time they hear this song. For pasting my fucking profile pic on Facebook and then their local news. Of course, no one would associate it with me personally, but that really pissed me off. My screen name and that quote belong to a part of me only I know, and I shared what it means here in another post. SS is somewhere I let out shit I never even tell a therapist. I know most people let go of all that hype by now, but damn, this is a private forum of people at their lowest. It's not like there was one person on here suffering. I'm sorry, I never really said anything about it in my original response when Marquis wrote his post "about recent events", but I didn't know at that time I was one of the first responses splashed on someone's Facebook page and then their local news.

Thanks for this though - I saw the Stones in 1980 with my dad - I had a miserable childhood, but that was one great memory. They lowered Mick down on a cherry picker. Of course since it was 1980 they opened with Start Me Up.

I noticed that right way in the "recent events", because I'd noticed *you* right away when I got here, because I love the Rolling Stones. I'm sorry you were abused that way.

That 1981 tour is one of my favourites - I wasn't there in person but I love the bootlegs. Keith was fresh back from near death then and really feeling his oats! And he and Ronnie were doing all the backing vocals - what glorious raunch!

But here, now, I just wanted to send you this gift of strong brave music that's perfect for not giving up.

 

[Ruffian]

I noticed that right way in the "recent events", because I'd noticed *you* right away when I got here, because I love the Rolling Stones. I'm sorry you were abused that way.

That 1981 tour is one of my favourites - I wasn't there in person but I love the bootlegs. Keith was fresh back from near death then and really feeling his oats! And he and Ronnie were doing all the backing vocals - what glorious raunch!

But here, now, I just wanted to send you this gift of strong brave music that's perfect for not giving up.

I guess it was 81. I lump 1980-86 as having some of the best times of my life. It was probably the drugs, but also being young

 

[Dead beat dad]

Does anyone else here suffer from this? I feel it towards myself or the world constantly and it makes me want to ctb. It's a major reason anyway. I just totally flipped out and threw a plate across my kitchen because I just had another problem added to the mountain of woes I'm already living under. I ruined the dinner (glass in it) I took 2 hours to make, and it took like another hour to clean up all the broken glass. I feel so defeated and self-loathing afterwards it turns into this whole vicious cycle. I feel like I am never going to be happy again & there is no point even trying.

Hey brother, I'm sorry to hear about your incident and the plethora of chaos that seems to be raining down on you.
I deeply feel your pain here.
I am an angry old bastard, generally I internalise anger but like yourself have been know to go supernova (yet to harm and individual, but walls, cars, doors, wicker baskets of pegs, blocks of cheese have all felt my wrath, even launched a ice-cream cover spoon across a restaurant not so long ago).
I honestly wish I had the answer to help with you anger and the difficulty it's causing you.
All I can say is you're not alone. I used to talk about anger with a fairly decent therapist which seemed to help (until the money ran out, then I went back to punching blocks of cheese).
Good luck brother

DBD

 

[inconsequential]

This has a high probability of being Intermittent Explosive Disorder. From the relatively short duration, to the self-loathing afterwards.

 

[Ruffian]

This has a high probability of being Intermittent Explosive Disorder. From the relatively short duration, to the self-loathing afterwards.

Are you not at your Testicular Support Meeting tonight, inconsequential? I love that movie. It's funny no one ever thought to diagnose me with that - is it still even in the DSM? It does fit though, I used to work in a program for girls with it. And I had an easier time with them than most of the other staff. They must have known I was one of them. I just haven't heard the term in a long time - I wonder if they put it in with the personality disorders. Now I have to check.

 

[inconsequential]

Are you not at your Testicular Support Meeting tonight, inconsequential? I love that movie. It's funny no one ever thought to diagnose me with that - is it still even in the DSM? It does fit though, I used to work in a program for girls with it. And I had an easier time with them than most of the other staff. They must have known I was one of them. I just haven't heard the term in a long time - I wonder if they put it in with the personality disorders. Now I have to check.

This is cancer, right?

I believe it's still under impulse control disorders, but my copy of the DSM is admittedly out of date. I was initially diagnosed with IED before I turned 18; something about not being able to dx a personality disorder before then. Now I have a new set of acronyms! Whee.

 

[Ruffian]

That's it. I never was diagnosed when I was younger because at 11 my parents literally gave up on me. By 12 I was staying out all night. Then I straightened up for a while & then had my first manic episode in college at 22. That was fun. You mean I graduated high school, got off drugs, started taking care of myself so I can be higher than I ever thought possible? I honestly do not know a drug better than my own manic brain chemicals. If I didn't get SO SO SO out of control I'd never take my meds. Those episodes can get so scary though, I wish I could be like Sylvia Plath and channel it into brilliant writing. A few major life setbacks came from manic episodes. But yeah, if I had been to a shrink as a child I'd have been slapped with IED. I think I don't get diagnosed with it because I'm officially bipolar with borderline features.