Doctors don't care and i have nobody to talk to, so I will just vent about my current reasons and why it's necessary for me to CTB now. Thanks for reading if anyone bothers.
2 months ago hell began, and after years of mental suffering I started severe having physical symptoms. And I must say, in a way it hurt me more in such a short time than a very long time of depression hopelessness and ruined life.
Starting from stomach ache, then eye pain, and everything went downhill after i caught some kind of infection. The symptoms were normal only for a little while, then i started having blurry vision in right eye for hours, with weakness in right arm and leg following, like in a stroke. Eventually it went in the direction of breathing problems and heart palpitations/arrhythmias. And now my stomach started hurting, i can barely eat anything at all, stomach hurts chest hurts nausea etc. i have tons of symptoms from the gastrological side and even urological.
I have visited dozens of doctors after each problem, and they either don't find anything, or hypothesize that it's maybe covid or neurosis or something else, just guessing without any confirmation or further tests or serious treatment. I realized how powerless it feels to be in constant pain where you can't function, live, and it's hard to even think about CTB in such a state.
I found out i have NAFLD, a cyst in my kidney(which supposedly isn't anything to worry about), high cholesterol, high liver tests, possible diabetes, teeth problems, something with my ear, maybe-squint in my eyes(everyone has a different opinion as usual). I can't even count the health problems now not to mention treating them. Nothing of these even explains my symptoms.
I spent all my money, effort, stress on this. I'm gonna go broke from having to pay for doctor visits, so I won't even be able to pay taxes, and they will try to throw me in prison.
For weeks I've been feeling like I'm gonna choke due to breathing problems or faint, and now maybe something in my stomach broke additionally.
There is no going back now, and it doesn't matter anymore, all I want is for the pain to stop, but it never will. I've always been a coward and that's why i didn't end it, but it doesn't matter what I think anymore, if i'm not going to finish this myself then i will become a vegetable in a hospital, stuck in a mental ward, prison or homeless - and i won't be able to take any of these.
For 10 years I've been planning to die using a train, and I haven't found a better method since. I have xanax to help me numb my fear, but I'm still scared. Honestly every day is a nightmare much worse than the pain of dying by my own hand, but I still don't do it, always clinging to some fantasy hope that will never come true. I could never accept reality in front of me and ran away from it, but now there's nowhere left to run or hide. I feel like I don't have much time left.
2 months ago hell began, and after years of mental suffering I started severe having physical symptoms. And I must say, in a way it hurt me more in such a short time than a very long time of depression hopelessness and ruined life.
Starting from stomach ache, then eye pain, and everything went downhill after i caught some kind of infection. The symptoms were normal only for a little while, then i started having blurry vision in right eye for hours, with weakness in right arm and leg following, like in a stroke. Eventually it went in the direction of breathing problems and heart palpitations/arrhythmias. And now my stomach started hurting, i can barely eat anything at all, stomach hurts chest hurts nausea etc. i have tons of symptoms from the gastrological side and even urological.
I have visited dozens of doctors after each problem, and they either don't find anything, or hypothesize that it's maybe covid or neurosis or something else, just guessing without any confirmation or further tests or serious treatment. I realized how powerless it feels to be in constant pain where you can't function, live, and it's hard to even think about CTB in such a state.
I found out i have NAFLD, a cyst in my kidney(which supposedly isn't anything to worry about), high cholesterol, high liver tests, possible diabetes, teeth problems, something with my ear, maybe-squint in my eyes(everyone has a different opinion as usual). I can't even count the health problems now not to mention treating them. Nothing of these even explains my symptoms.
I spent all my money, effort, stress on this. I'm gonna go broke from having to pay for doctor visits, so I won't even be able to pay taxes, and they will try to throw me in prison.
For weeks I've been feeling like I'm gonna choke due to breathing problems or faint, and now maybe something in my stomach broke additionally.
There is no going back now, and it doesn't matter anymore, all I want is for the pain to stop, but it never will. I've always been a coward and that's why i didn't end it, but it doesn't matter what I think anymore, if i'm not going to finish this myself then i will become a vegetable in a hospital, stuck in a mental ward, prison or homeless - and i won't be able to take any of these.
For 10 years I've been planning to die using a train, and I haven't found a better method since. I have xanax to help me numb my fear, but I'm still scared. Honestly every day is a nightmare much worse than the pain of dying by my own hand, but I still don't do it, always clinging to some fantasy hope that will never come true. I could never accept reality in front of me and ran away from it, but now there's nowhere left to run or hide. I feel like I don't have much time left.
