Venting unable to see any future for myself

[nosurpries]

i have been suicidal pretty much since i was able to form free thoughts. however, these last couple months have been different, something has shifted irrevocably. i have gone through bouts of suicidal ideation many times but in the back of my mind i could see myself surviving. i could see a vague idea of where i'd be in a years time. not this time. i can't imagine living another year, i genuinely cannot imagine my own future, not even abstractly. this is it, i'm going through with it in the next couple of months. i don't see myself surviving, i don't see myself in a years time it's indescribable.

everyday is worse and worse. i see my peers living out their youth in the way i am unable to. i see the person i love happy like i never existed and while i am glad that my death will now impact them minimally, it is still agony for me. i have nothing. no friends, no support system, i was a fool to be under a delusional that i had people that cared but that fantasy is long dead my eyes have been opened to reality. i have offically stopped replying anyones messages and i dont intent to until my death. not much to even say because the messages were so few because i am so anti social.

i have dreamt about killing myself almost every night this week in small variations. they're all so similar it blends together, i think they're fucking nightmares at this point. my ctb date window is still months away but my plan of isolation has already started and i will obtain sn soon so i could do it at any time that i feel is right.

 

[Zegers]

i have nothing. no friends, no support system

Living like this sucks.

I don't see a future for me either and if i try to see through the black clouds i don't like the outlook, in poor health as now, depressed, bitter and barely leaving the house... that's not a proper good life to me, then i don't want nothing but leave.

 

[Suicideorgy]

My anxiety makes it near impossible for me to be a normal functioning human. My suicidal ideation has also gotten worse over the months. I already have sn, it wont be long now. The only thing keeping me here is my family but honestly I dont have a job so I feel I am just taking up space and they would be better off without me. I just want to not be such a fuck up anymore but the anxiety feels like someone pulled a gun to my head.

 

[Jack4230]

WHY DO WE SUFFER. ITS SO UNFAIR WHY MUST I BE BORN IN THIS SKIN THAT OTHER PEOPLE WOULD KILL TO HAVE. I JUST WANTB EGG B DA HWHDHSJXUCYCYANNRUEUWUEIO TED JRMD DHABSB. ;)3 Ndnhdueusnxbrhed

 

[BuriedBob]

I'm in a situation where I do have a few friends, but I've recently come to realize that they dread seeing or talking to me. They only suffer through the ordeal of being around me out of pity. I feel like I'd be doing them a favor if I died.

 

[Slimetae]

i ain't got friends either i mean i don't even really want friends at this point .I see no future for myself either .i'm just here till i ain't

 

[iforgotmyacc]

I wish I had no family that loved me. Cause I have to die but its going to kill them too.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so cruel and painful and I know that it's dreadful when things just get worse. It is one of the most horrifying things about life, that there is no limit as to how bad things can get. I would rather not think about the future personally, as I know that only dread and despair lies ahead for me. I wish you relief from suffering.