Help Unable to Make Purchases, So Looking for Other Clean & After-the-Fact Cheap Methods

[SymphonysofAgony]

Hi everyone! I'd like to say first of all, I'm happy to be here!! I do have friends who are depressed, but it's been years since I've had anyone I can openly discuss the stronger aspects of it. I really feel like I'm being robbed of the release death will bring, as my life was horrible from even the day I was being born (my mother had placenta previa, and due to medical malpractice issues she lost half of her blood in the delivery so she and I had to be hospitalized for a week). I've always felt even if my life were to get better, I'd find some way to fuck it all up and be right back where I started. It's quite comforting to see others feel similarly.

Now to get to my question! I am looking for a method that does not require me to purchase anything as my bank account is connected to my mother's, so any purchase I make she can see, the name of and everything! Like if I buy boba, she can see the flavor if the seller lists it in the item name . So buying inert gas or SN, or even rope is not possible for me. I also share a bedroom with my mother - heck we even share the same bed, PLUS her and I are home together a lot of the time, so it's essentially impossible for me to hide anything. I am not interested in jumping as I know it has a high probability of being unsuccessful if not from high enough altitude, plus I don't go out much myself so if I were to be gone for a long time people will immediately wonder what's up. I also don't like the fact that it will traumatize strangers. For about 8 years I've been fascinated by drowning in the East River (I live in NYC), however I've come to no longer be interested in that as I learned the clean up process for my family and the city would be costly, and one of the main reasons why I want to ctb is bc of years long financial hardship.
Some physical health facts about me that may make certain methods more effective: I am 5'8" and weigh about 170lbs, I am not athletic nor strong by any means - thus I get winded easily, I have severe asthma, get headaches/migraines easily, bruise easily, and my nose is always partially clogged .

I have read about the shallow water method in the megathread for it, it sounds great!! I guess I could do it in the few times my mother has gone out without me? My bathtub is about a foot deep, so I could fill it up and lay in it but would have to bend my legs up as it isn't long enough for me to lay down flat in. Would that affect the efficacy of this method?
TLDR; I am here wondering if anyone can suggest to me a method that will be effective for me/my situation? Again, I'll keep the shallow water method in mind, but I would like to have at least two methods that I could potentially do. I understand no method is perfect, and that I also have to be mentally prepared for any method (I have noticed in the past two weeks that I've been planning to ctb again for the first time in years, I have been having stomach pains every day and diarrhea. Is this my body trying to get me to snap out of it?). I have Nayzilam - a benzodiazepine that is emergency nasal spray for seizures. Could I spray that into my nostrils and then put my head into a plastic bag, then lay down on a bed and wait to go?? I do have lexapro and ibuprofen available, however I am not a fan of overdosing due to the high probability you will survive and will have permanent damage. Lastly, there are a few birthday balloons in my home that have been around for about a month or so, so they're deflating slowly. Could I inhale some of that, and then maybe slip on a layer of two plastic shopping bags then lay in the bathtub?? I am not really concerned about pain in the moment as much as I am about cost to prepare and cost for my family after, and leaving a relatively clean corpse. I don't want people cleaning up a pile of blood, poop or pee, or vomit.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post!

 

[dialogos]

The problem with the SWB method 1) survival instinct hard to overcome. 2) chance of being discovered too early and brain damage has occurred yet they managed to revive you into a vegetable...

 

[SymphonysofAgony]

The problem with the SWB method 1) survival instinct hard to overcome. 2) chance of being discovered too early and brain damage has occurred yet they managed to revive you into a vegetable...

So even if one were to take some medication like muscle relaxants/any type of benzodiazepine, the self-preservation instinct would kick in mad hard??

Thank you as well for answering my post, I was beginning to think no one would & it was beginning to bum me out

 

[dialogos]

So even if one were to take some medication like muscle relaxants/any type of benzodiazepine, the self-preservation instinct would kick in mad hard??

Thank you as well for answering my post, I was beginning to think no one would & it was beginning to bum me out

Everyone is different, our bodies react differently. But in terms of drowning, suffocation etc, the body has a hardwired reflex to fight back. When water starts entering the lungs, coughing and other reactions happen. Please research more. The forum has already dedicated sticky topics which can help you avoid tragic mistakes. Yes, taking your own life is hard. I wish I had a rebreather and nitrogen but I don't have the budget. OD on Nembutal or other similar is hard since these are heavily restricted. Even the illegal street drug dealers in my country don't have these. Please take your time to plan to avoid horrible outcomes. The forums have new posts everyday and sometimes some posts like yours get buried or move from the first page down to the fourth page for example. So you might have to repost to be seen.

 

[SymphonysofAgony]

Thank you so much! Yes I'll definitely keep researching, bc staying alive and becoming a vegetable is WAY worse than how my life already is . I'll keep sifting through the mega threads as well. Take care of yourself this week.

 

[Oncologynurz123]

Hi everyone! I'd like to say first of all, I'm happy to be here!! I do have friends who are depressed, but it's been years since I've had anyone I can openly discuss the stronger aspects of it. I really feel like I'm being robbed of the release death will bring, as my life was horrible from even the day I was being born (my mother had placenta previa, and due to medical malpractice issues she lost half of her blood in the delivery so she and I had to be hospitalized for a week). I've always felt even if my life were to get better, I'd find some way to fuck it all up and be right back where I started. It's quite comforting to see others feel similarly.

Now to get to my question! I am looking for a method that does not require me to purchase anything as my bank account is connected to my mother's, so any purchase I make she can see, the name of and everything! Like if I buy boba, she can see the flavor if the seller lists it in the item name . So buying inert gas or SN, or even rope is not possible for me. I also share a bedroom with my mother - heck we even share the same bed, PLUS her and I are home together a lot of the time, so it's essentially impossible for me to hide anything. I am not interested in jumping as I know it has a high probability of being unsuccessful if not from high enough altitude, plus I don't go out much myself so if I were to be gone for a long time people will immediately wonder what's up. I also don't like the fact that it will traumatize strangers. For about 8 years I've been fascinated by drowning in the East River (I live in NYC), however I've come to no longer be interested in that as I learned the clean up process for my family and the city would be costly, and one of the main reasons why I want to ctb is bc of years long financial hardship.
Some physical health facts about me that may make certain methods more effective: I am 5'8" and weigh about 170lbs, I am not athletic nor strong by any means - thus I get winded easily, I have severe asthma, get headaches/migraines easily, bruise easily, and my nose is always partially clogged .

I have read about the shallow water method in the megathread for it, it sounds great!! I guess I could do it in the few times my mother has gone out without me? My bathtub is about a foot deep, so I could fill it up and lay in it but would have to bend my legs up as it isn't long enough for me to lay down flat in. Would that affect the efficacy of this method?
TLDR; I am here wondering if anyone can suggest to me a method that will be effective for me/my situation? Again, I'll keep the shallow water method in mind, but I would like to have at least two methods that I could potentially do. I understand no method is perfect, and that I also have to be mentally prepared for any method (I have noticed in the past two weeks that I've been planning to ctb again for the first time in years, I have been having stomach pains every day and diarrhea. Is this my body trying to get me to snap out of it?). I have Nayzilam - a benzodiazepine that is emergency nasal spray for seizures. Could I spray that into my nostrils and then put my head into a plastic bag, then lay down on a bed and wait to go?? I do have lexapro and ibuprofen available, however I am not a fan of overdosing due to the high probability you will survive and will have permanent damage. Lastly, there are a few birthday balloons in my home that have been around for about a month or so, so they're deflating slowly. Could I inhale some of that, and then maybe slip on a layer of two plastic shopping bags then lay in the bathtub?? I am not really concerned about pain in the moment as much as I am about cost to prepare and cost for my family after, and leaving a relatively clean corpse. I don't want people cleaning up a pile of blood, poop or pee, or vomit.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post!

How does the shallow water method work?

 

[snowcloud9]

How does the shallow water method work?

Basically hyperventilate to eliminate CO2. Dive in the water to hold your breath, and you will experience hypoxia (critically low oxygen) which will cause you to black out without ever having the instinct to breathe (instinct to breathe is caused by high CO2). By the time your reflex to breathe kicks in, you will be underwater but unconscious, inhale water, and drown.