Hi everyone. I'm. Paula from Spain. I can't tell how much joy I felt when l found this forum. Suicide has always been a tabu, a awful thing you shoul prevent. I'm not and impulsive suicidal person. I'm not a teenager with an aurbust desired to go. I'm what I called an intellectual suicide is a decision you have or had for many years, well thought, well rationalised. I m 56 yeaea old and have been trying to GTB since 10 years old, but no-one cared. All my red flags that expressed my willing to live this life because I felt l was not suppose to be here started at 10 years old. And because my family didn't pany attention or concern, I startled drinking hard alchol but my mother didn't want to go to the causes, she just hot mad for thee mess. Of course l tried at 11. Nothing happened it was put under the rough I had always a feeling that I never meant to be born. At 5 years old I told my mother that I shouldn't have been born, that it was a mistake. I have been suffering from depression, limit personality disorder and ptsd. But on one paid attention. I felt like I didn't mater. I was raise with no affection, love, education. My mother was just getting the money because we were really poor, but that aspect never was part of my trauma . Tha total absent of affection and love had a great impact. When we have to go with my father a grandiose narcissistic, I felt we were an inconvenience. He was physically abuser towards me because I was always sad and have no will to eat. At 5 years of I had a king of epiphany that told me I shouldn't have been born, that it was a mistakr5. My mother never paid attention. I was hardly bullied.. At 6 years old I was moleste by a neighbour and when l told my mother and brother, the didn't express anything. Both just said " this things happens " imagine the sensation of not mattering to any one. I was hardly bullied from 3 to 6. My mother didn't do anything when she foun out my brother molested me while sleep, when I was 14, l felt something so I woke up, seeing my brother in my bed. I was in denial until I pretended to be slipping and descovrt all the whole abuse. This complety broke me. Later years I told my mother and she bever express anything. She just listen, she wasn't showing affection.The only thingshe told me was to no confront my brother fecause if he new that l knew Coul bringing som trauma
During my teenager years. I had planes to do something but my really despotic mother king of force me to work in her business that I hated. My depression and the star of taking pills staterd there. For my mother I was a necessary asset for her business, not caring what my dreams were. The depression got worst. I lost the few friends I had in childhood because they were in a path to creating their lives. Me l was stuck as a child working with a very despotic and psicocally abuser mother. She didn't even paid me for 11 years so l did I have to live with her, which was awful.Later she did but always found a place near her house. It was 12 o more hours of work and no vacation. And an amount of psychological abuseI lost the chance of a career, the chance to mature, the chance to star my own life. I gave up a few friends and some hobbies. I was reduced to be a necessary asset for my mother's business which was her only priority. I decended to a deeper depresion and started to take pills to be absent 3 or 4 days. That didn't matter. I tried to ask my brother for help, crying on the phone but he always said " I can't talk now" and hung up and never call me back to ask what was happening. Later she did pay me, jot much, but always found a place near her house. It was 12 o more hours of work and no vacation. I lost the chance of a career, the chance to mature, the chance to star my own life. I gave up a few friends and some hobbies. I was reduced to be a necessary asset for my mother's business which was the only priority. I decended to a desperate depresion and started to take pills to be absent 3 or 4 days. That didn't matter. I tried to ask my brother for help, crying on the phone but he always said " I can't talk now" and hung up and never call me back to ask what was happening. He just didn't want to be involved in something that could disturb his emancipated, and carrear and love life. Talking about love. Because I was never showed what was to receive it or give it, I have been unable ever, to have romantic feelings for anyone. That means no boyfriend, fling, relationships, let along fall in love. I haven't had anyone, and because of the sexual abuse at 6 then at 14, and then raped at 18, sexuality was not in my mind. Talking about love. Because I was never showed what was to receive it or give it, I have been unable ever, to have romantic feelings for anyone. ThatLater she did but always found a place near her house. It was 12 o more hours of work and no vacation. I lost the chance of a career, the chance to mature, the chance to star my own life. I gave up a few friends and some hobbies. I was reduced to be a necessary asset for my mother's business which was the only priority. I decended to a deeper depresion and started to take pills to be absent 3 or 4 days. That didn't matter. I tried to ask my brother for help, crying on the phone but he always said " I can't talk now" and hung up and never call me back to ask what was happening. He just didn't want to be involved in something that could disturb his emancipated, and carrear and love life. Talking about love. Because I was never showed what was to receive it or give it, I have been unable ever, to have romantic feelings for anyone. That means no, to have romantic feelings for anyone., no fling, no boyfriend, nor being able to and because of the sexual abuse at 6 then at 14, and then raped at 18, sexuality was not in my. mind. means no boyfriend, fling, relationships, let along fall in love. I haven't had anyone, and because of the sexual abuse at 6 then at 14 by my own brother and then raped at 18, sexuality was not in my. mind. When in so e occasion someone paid attention to me l run scared. Its like I lack of the blueprints
I was finally diagnosed at 47 despite all the red flags before since I was a child, a teenager, an adult. I tried everything but nothing worked. I'm now a resistance to treatment person.
I don't live anymore. I just stay in bed for years, not cleaning mu body, my hair, my teeth or cleaning my environment. I take opioids to scape, abuse medication so l can't think, live filthy, antihigenic. My muscles are atrophied and l smoke 3 pacs a day. I never go out, it's like pieza of heavy weight is on me. I don't have any motivation to continue. I want to decide, to finally take control. To be free from this body, to go home.
I read here about SN and how efficient is.
Could someone give the link of Stan guide lines?
If there is someone from Spain, we'll l have always the pact because is easier. Of course must be a person that really wants to go through this with no hesitation.
Sorry for this longpost