I'm a 19 year old man. I'm diagnosed with OCD, BDD, depression, anxiety disorder, and social anxiety. There's a suspicion of autism and ADHD but it's not confirmed.
It all started around 6 years ago. The first thing was the OCD. I became completely closed and paranoid because of all these intrusive thoughts about violence, germaphobia, thinking that if I did something someone would die. For a whole year I didn't even understand what was happening. I just struggled in silence. No one around me got it either. People just thought I had become really weird. That's what led me into depression. Since it started it has been accompanied by 24/7 suicidality, every single day. I lost interest in everything, got annoyed by every little inconvenience, my grades tanked, and my whole view on life changed. It did get a little better eventually, not by much, but just because the feeling became my normal.
As time passed I started feeling worse than before. When mewing and all that shit became mainstream, I decided to take a selfie to see my side profile. I never took photos. That was the start of the complete downfall of my mental state. I became hyper aware of my looks. Even then I knew how ugly and repulsive I was. I have a large forehead that is very straight, which makes it look even bigger and like it is protruding, with a fucked up hairline. I have no browridge that could have helped balance the forehead. My recessed jaws made my nose crooked. It was completely straight when I was a kid, even a little upturned. My skin is shit. The back of my head is huge (This was kinda confirmed when a guy in school told me that I kinda resemble Xenomorph lol) I barely resemble a human being. Back then I was naive though. I believed mewing would save me. Making hundreds of selfies a day became my norm, analyzing myself from every angle. Constant mirror checks, fixing my hair every minute. The more I looked the more I understood how bad it really was. The only good thing to come from it was that I started taking better care of my hygiene.
When I see photos of me from my childhood it kinda makes sense why I look like that. I was insanely ugly as a baby and my skull looked really weird from the beginning. On some photos it looks like I have frontal bossing which may explain why my forehead looks so prominent.
Then I discovered looksmaxxing. At first it was surface level stuff. Basic hygiene, mewing which I already knew about, the gym. But I didn't stop there. I dug deeper and every new thing I learned just showed me how hopeless my situation is. My knowledge of looks theory is big now. I can't get this information out of my head. I became "blackpilled", not in the incel way, but in the sense that I truly understand how much looks matter.
Physically, I feel objectively below average in everything. My height, I was always the shortest in my class. My face. My size down there. My weird voice.
I never had real friends, just classmates I considered friends until I realized they were only acquaintances. If I tried to befriend someone it was always me making the first move, me trying to lead the whole process. It was never mutual. Some people just thought I was weird. I was never really bullied though. I never leave the house. I just sit and rot 24/7 staring at my PC screen. I have no will, no energy, and no friends to go out with anyway.
I tried therapy but it didn't help me at all. I don't really believe in it. I think therapy only works for people who are easily manipulated and susceptible. It doesn't work for me. Every tip a therapist could give me is something I already know. I'm on my 4th antidepressant med and none of them are helping.
I have only gotten maybe two or three compliments in my whole life and only one girl was somewhat attracted to me. Unfortunately it wasn't mutual.
I also tried to post my photos on Reddit and got very positive feedback. I will be real, it really lightened my mood for a while. Of course there were some weirdos in the DMs. The thing is I can't really accept this feedback as truth because it's obvious that I would pick the best photos of me where I posed, found good lighting, made my hair hide my imperfections. It's not really possible to rate people based on these photos.
This year everything went to complete shit. New therapists I saw suspected I might have autism, which I had suspected myself. I feel worse than ever. Every day my mood swings from shit to normal to maybe even a little better, all within a single day. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm bipolar.
I decided to try and change something cardinally. I went to a maxillofacial surgeon and he confirmed everything I thought about myself. Recessed jaws, weak chin, asymmetry. He said treatment starts with an orthodontist. So I went and he told me that even though the surgery is free, the braces are not. They will cost 6 to 7 thousand euros. My parents said they can't afford it and I understand. It meant that if I wanted a chance to change anything I had to get my first job. And the treatment process will definitely take a lot of time, like one or two years for sure. And all this time I have to live like that.
I found a job at Hesburger, which is like McDonald's. I have only worked a few days and I am already losing it. I constantly feel judged, like people hate me, that everyone thinks I'm weird. I want to burst into tears all the time, all while thinking about how fucking ugly I am and how much I want to end it all. You come home feeling worse than ever, with no energy, and the next day it all just repeats. Insufferable.
And jaw surgery can't fix everything that comes with recession of jaws, like cheekbones which are really small and flat. My midface is pretty flat. I have zero fat under my eyes with thin skin and this in combo makes my eyes look protruding from the side, plus dark circles 24/7. From the before and afters of jaw surgery it appears that my cheekbones will disappear completely from upper jaw advancement, because they only move the bottom part of your upper jaw. It's hopeless. My whole cranium is fucked.
Even though I want to die, part of me thinks that realizing all this wasn't entirely bad. I would never have seen the truth otherwise. My parents try to gaslight me that I look okay, which is utter bullshit. All the things wrong with my face were confirmed by doctors.
On some rare photos I see of me, usually taken by me, I really think I look quite good, even with my non existent self esteem and hate of myself. And I don't understand how this is possible. I went insane from all these swings, from seeing myself as hideous and not like a human, to seeing myself at least somewhat average and on a rare occasion quite attractive, mostly in the evenings. Maybe I debloat or it's hormones and stuff like that.
Okay I have body dysmorphia, but what I don't get is how you are supposed to be okay with being ugly when it is an objective truth that pretty privilege exists and it is a big deal. I think I was just ugly all along and the BDD is a cope. My brain tried to save me by sometimes making me feel like I looked better, giving me a sliver of hope. I think it is almost impossible to swallow the brutal pill that you are ugly, and that is probably what is happening to me. I just can't accept it and move on. It feels impossible.
Also, adding to the beginning of my text, the mouth breathing thing came to me and suddenly it all made sense. I remember mouth breathing very often. In almost every photo of me from childhood I was with my mouth wide open. I researched this thing a lot, partly as I try to cope and convince myself that I didn't fuck up my development with this one simple thing. I think it is accepted to be the truth, but from all the research I've read the final results were very different and I can't really draw a conclusion out of it. There are strong arguments that it is indeed affecting jaw development, but also arguments against it. This really depressed me, the way I could have looked better and not have all these problems if I just breathed normally as a child. If someone noticed and fixed it. But it didn't happen. And now I always think about it. Many things in my face fit a textbook mouth breather type.
I feel inferior, physically and mentally. My parents are tired of me, even if they don't say it. I constantly annoy them, venting about the same things in a circle. I've even stopped understanding why I do it. They've started to think it is just profitable for me to be mentally ill, that it gives me an excuse to be lazy and do nothing. Maybe they're right?
Putting my looks aside, I genuinely believe I'm destined to die. The only reason I haven't is because society is built to keep everyone alive. I'm just not into life. I don't like the idea of living, especially with how fucked up I am. Why is it the default that everyone is supposed to live? For a long time I've thought that not living is always better than living.
I ordered SN and it should arrive soon. I'm not entierely sure of decision I will make, but at least I'll have it nearby. I won't regret dying because the dead don't care, although im scared. The only thing that makes me sad is how it will affect my family. It's unfortunate that I was born and not someone better so they wouldn't have to experience this.
There's still a tiny part of me that wants to believe it's not over, that I might magically become prettier and my problems will go away. But I will be real, that's pure cope. It's just the survival instinct trying to keep me alive.
I decided to write this because my dad showed me an old picture and oh my fucking god how hideous I looked. I spiraled. He genuinely doesn't understand what's wrong and I guess that's alright.
It all started around 6 years ago. The first thing was the OCD. I became completely closed and paranoid because of all these intrusive thoughts about violence, germaphobia, thinking that if I did something someone would die. For a whole year I didn't even understand what was happening. I just struggled in silence. No one around me got it either. People just thought I had become really weird. That's what led me into depression. Since it started it has been accompanied by 24/7 suicidality, every single day. I lost interest in everything, got annoyed by every little inconvenience, my grades tanked, and my whole view on life changed. It did get a little better eventually, not by much, but just because the feeling became my normal.
As time passed I started feeling worse than before. When mewing and all that shit became mainstream, I decided to take a selfie to see my side profile. I never took photos. That was the start of the complete downfall of my mental state. I became hyper aware of my looks. Even then I knew how ugly and repulsive I was. I have a large forehead that is very straight, which makes it look even bigger and like it is protruding, with a fucked up hairline. I have no browridge that could have helped balance the forehead. My recessed jaws made my nose crooked. It was completely straight when I was a kid, even a little upturned. My skin is shit. The back of my head is huge (This was kinda confirmed when a guy in school told me that I kinda resemble Xenomorph lol) I barely resemble a human being. Back then I was naive though. I believed mewing would save me. Making hundreds of selfies a day became my norm, analyzing myself from every angle. Constant mirror checks, fixing my hair every minute. The more I looked the more I understood how bad it really was. The only good thing to come from it was that I started taking better care of my hygiene.
When I see photos of me from my childhood it kinda makes sense why I look like that. I was insanely ugly as a baby and my skull looked really weird from the beginning. On some photos it looks like I have frontal bossing which may explain why my forehead looks so prominent.
Then I discovered looksmaxxing. At first it was surface level stuff. Basic hygiene, mewing which I already knew about, the gym. But I didn't stop there. I dug deeper and every new thing I learned just showed me how hopeless my situation is. My knowledge of looks theory is big now. I can't get this information out of my head. I became "blackpilled", not in the incel way, but in the sense that I truly understand how much looks matter.
Physically, I feel objectively below average in everything. My height, I was always the shortest in my class. My face. My size down there. My weird voice.
I never had real friends, just classmates I considered friends until I realized they were only acquaintances. If I tried to befriend someone it was always me making the first move, me trying to lead the whole process. It was never mutual. Some people just thought I was weird. I was never really bullied though. I never leave the house. I just sit and rot 24/7 staring at my PC screen. I have no will, no energy, and no friends to go out with anyway.
I tried therapy but it didn't help me at all. I don't really believe in it. I think therapy only works for people who are easily manipulated and susceptible. It doesn't work for me. Every tip a therapist could give me is something I already know. I'm on my 4th antidepressant med and none of them are helping.
I have only gotten maybe two or three compliments in my whole life and only one girl was somewhat attracted to me. Unfortunately it wasn't mutual.
I also tried to post my photos on Reddit and got very positive feedback. I will be real, it really lightened my mood for a while. Of course there were some weirdos in the DMs. The thing is I can't really accept this feedback as truth because it's obvious that I would pick the best photos of me where I posed, found good lighting, made my hair hide my imperfections. It's not really possible to rate people based on these photos.
This year everything went to complete shit. New therapists I saw suspected I might have autism, which I had suspected myself. I feel worse than ever. Every day my mood swings from shit to normal to maybe even a little better, all within a single day. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm bipolar.
I decided to try and change something cardinally. I went to a maxillofacial surgeon and he confirmed everything I thought about myself. Recessed jaws, weak chin, asymmetry. He said treatment starts with an orthodontist. So I went and he told me that even though the surgery is free, the braces are not. They will cost 6 to 7 thousand euros. My parents said they can't afford it and I understand. It meant that if I wanted a chance to change anything I had to get my first job. And the treatment process will definitely take a lot of time, like one or two years for sure. And all this time I have to live like that.
I found a job at Hesburger, which is like McDonald's. I have only worked a few days and I am already losing it. I constantly feel judged, like people hate me, that everyone thinks I'm weird. I want to burst into tears all the time, all while thinking about how fucking ugly I am and how much I want to end it all. You come home feeling worse than ever, with no energy, and the next day it all just repeats. Insufferable.
And jaw surgery can't fix everything that comes with recession of jaws, like cheekbones which are really small and flat. My midface is pretty flat. I have zero fat under my eyes with thin skin and this in combo makes my eyes look protruding from the side, plus dark circles 24/7. From the before and afters of jaw surgery it appears that my cheekbones will disappear completely from upper jaw advancement, because they only move the bottom part of your upper jaw. It's hopeless. My whole cranium is fucked.
Even though I want to die, part of me thinks that realizing all this wasn't entirely bad. I would never have seen the truth otherwise. My parents try to gaslight me that I look okay, which is utter bullshit. All the things wrong with my face were confirmed by doctors.
On some rare photos I see of me, usually taken by me, I really think I look quite good, even with my non existent self esteem and hate of myself. And I don't understand how this is possible. I went insane from all these swings, from seeing myself as hideous and not like a human, to seeing myself at least somewhat average and on a rare occasion quite attractive, mostly in the evenings. Maybe I debloat or it's hormones and stuff like that.
Okay I have body dysmorphia, but what I don't get is how you are supposed to be okay with being ugly when it is an objective truth that pretty privilege exists and it is a big deal. I think I was just ugly all along and the BDD is a cope. My brain tried to save me by sometimes making me feel like I looked better, giving me a sliver of hope. I think it is almost impossible to swallow the brutal pill that you are ugly, and that is probably what is happening to me. I just can't accept it and move on. It feels impossible.
Also, adding to the beginning of my text, the mouth breathing thing came to me and suddenly it all made sense. I remember mouth breathing very often. In almost every photo of me from childhood I was with my mouth wide open. I researched this thing a lot, partly as I try to cope and convince myself that I didn't fuck up my development with this one simple thing. I think it is accepted to be the truth, but from all the research I've read the final results were very different and I can't really draw a conclusion out of it. There are strong arguments that it is indeed affecting jaw development, but also arguments against it. This really depressed me, the way I could have looked better and not have all these problems if I just breathed normally as a child. If someone noticed and fixed it. But it didn't happen. And now I always think about it. Many things in my face fit a textbook mouth breather type.
I feel inferior, physically and mentally. My parents are tired of me, even if they don't say it. I constantly annoy them, venting about the same things in a circle. I've even stopped understanding why I do it. They've started to think it is just profitable for me to be mentally ill, that it gives me an excuse to be lazy and do nothing. Maybe they're right?
Putting my looks aside, I genuinely believe I'm destined to die. The only reason I haven't is because society is built to keep everyone alive. I'm just not into life. I don't like the idea of living, especially with how fucked up I am. Why is it the default that everyone is supposed to live? For a long time I've thought that not living is always better than living.
I ordered SN and it should arrive soon. I'm not entierely sure of decision I will make, but at least I'll have it nearby. I won't regret dying because the dead don't care, although im scared. The only thing that makes me sad is how it will affect my family. It's unfortunate that I was born and not someone better so they wouldn't have to experience this.
There's still a tiny part of me that wants to believe it's not over, that I might magically become prettier and my problems will go away. But I will be real, that's pure cope. It's just the survival instinct trying to keep me alive.
I decided to write this because my dad showed me an old picture and oh my fucking god how hideous I looked. I spiraled. He genuinely doesn't understand what's wrong and I guess that's alright.
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