Discussion Tying up loose ends

[lifesucksiguess]

I'm going to vomit out some info. Sorry if it isn't 100% coherent.

Anyway, I am considering taking some final steps to ctb. I have N. I should have anti-emetics tomorrow.

Things I need to do:

• Decide where to ctb
  • I am home alone right now. I usually live with my parents, but they are both out for a while. If I choose to stay home I am 100% confident no one will find me. That said, I am not sure if I am comfortable dying in my home. My parents have already lost two sons to suicide before me. It might be extra traumatizing if I ctb in their own home.
  • I could book a hotel. My plan would be to travel a little ways away from home so that way I can post a note to some of my Discord friends and make it impossible for them to find me. Some of them know people close to me irl. If I go to a hotel I can let them know I am going to die soon and they wouldn't know where to find me. I would go out of town to make it very, very difficult to track me down.
  • Should I buy adult diapers, lol?
• Get my dog taken care of
  • I adopted a dog 4 years ago. He has been great. I don't want him to go hungry/thirsty for a few days before anyone knows I am gone. I was thinking about setting him up at a dog boarding facility for a few days. I was thinking I'd let the people know that they can release my dog to my parents/siblings if they come by.
  • I am 99% certain someone in my family will take care of him. He is a great, easy-going dog. Very little work required. My sibling lives across town and she has dog sat him before, but I won't be able to come up with a good excuse to get her to watch him. I could say I am going to stay with a different family member, but she can just ask that family member and that will raise suspicion.
• Decide on a note(s)
  • I've already wrote a "note" of sorts to my family. I mostly want to let them know that I personally feel like my suicide has been a rational choice that I have been considering for over a decade. It isn't going to be a spontaneous decision based on recent events. I would also like to let them know that if they wish to honor me they won't join the crusade against suicide. Because of my two brothers who have died by suicide, they're somewhat active in a program for suicide survivors. I want to let them know that not all suicide is bad, and hopefully in my case it will be the best decision to make.
  • I want to let my online friends know why I disappeared. A few years ago, I told a close online friend that I was going to kill myself using carbon monoxide. I decided against it, but he was a good person and didn't tell anyone (I think). I'm really close with these guys, and I want them to know that I am not ghosting them. I am just struggling with burdening them with my death. I can't decide if it is better that they know that I am dead, or if I should just disappear and I'll just be a meme among my friend of "remember X, he was a good guy, shame he just left out of the blue."
  • I want to let my online friends know that they don't need to beat themselves up. This has been a decision I have been working towards for over a decade. I'm not solving a temporary problem with a permanent solution. I am solving all problems. I just want to not exist. I long for nothing.
  • These past few years have been pretty good, all things considered. I want to let people know that somehow. I want to let them know that these past few years I have felt great. I developed some new hobbies that have been fun. COVID allowed me to work from home, which made going to work a lot more bearable. My concern is for my future. I'd rather just get things over with and avoid the inevitable suffering in the future. I haven't made good decisions for my future and I don't want to live with the consequences. I'd rather go out on a high note.

Anyway, what might I be missing? I have some assets, but not enough to matter. My sister has access to almost all of my money so she can handle that. All of my important documents are in a filing cabinet at my parent's house. I'm sure they'll find my car title and stuff like that.

I am considering sending an email to my online friend to my BitWarden password manager. It is setup so he could salvage most of my digital life. I'd ask him to send all the valuable accounts I have to my nephew. I am thinking of changing my phone passwords and removing biometrics, but including the updated password in the stuff I send to my friend. This would be so my nephew can access all my 2FA services. I would set up a document, password protect it as a zip, include a hint that I am 100% sure my friend will get for the pw (it will be one of his own passwords that he uses as a meme), and then delay the send in my email. Just in case I mess up, I should have enough time to cancel the email.

My parents know my bosses at work pretty well. I am pretty certain they'll let them know pretty early. I have some projects at work that I will leave up in the air for someone to pick up the pieces. I'm not very well organized, so I feel bad for whoever has to pick up where I will leave off.

 

[deletemyaccount1]

It seems you have thought this through and I think your doing great. I genuinely hope you get the peace you deserve and that things work out for you

 

[WornOutLife]

I think it's quite good to have things planned!
I'm worried about some of those things too.

Before we ctb, we gotta think of all the possibilities, even worst-case-scenarios.

For instance, I failed to ctb last year, wasn't expecting it to happen, and my life became a hell for half a year.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[The Mute Viking]

I read every drop of what you wrote and my heart reaches out to you, komrade.

What you said about "I haven't made great choices for my future and I don't want to live with consenquences" struck a cord with me.
I personally never had a chance to have a life worth living and now, I'm to far gone to be able to change.

My love is out there looking for you, I hope you can find the resolution that eases your pain.

 

[lifesucksiguess]

I think it's quite good to have things planned!
I'm worried about some of those things too.

Before we ctb, we gotta think of all the possibilities, even worst-case-scenarios.

For instance, I failed to ctb last year, wasn't expecting it to happen, and my life became a hell for half a year.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

Yeah my last attempt was more rushed. I was going to use the carbon monoxide generator listed in the PPH a few years ago, but I was lazy and didn't set up properly. My parents were out, much like they are now, but they decided to come home unexpectedly so I expedited the process and ended up calling it off. Not before I had already sent out some notes so I was committed to a psych ward.

A few years have passed so the suspicion has dwindled. My father just left so he is extremely unlikely to come back anytime soon. My mother has been staying with a relative for over a year now, and I have no reason to think she'll make it home before the end of the school year (6/11). If she shows up and I am still here then I'll definitely book a hotel.

It seems you have thought this through and I think your doing great. I genuinely hope you get the peace you deserve and that things work out for you

Thank you. :)

I read every drop of what you wrote and my heart reaches out to you, komrade.

What you said about "I haven't made great choices for my future and I don't want to live with consenquences" struck a cord with me.
I personally never had a chance to have a life worth living and now, I'm to far gone to be able to change.

My love is out there looking for you, I hope you can find the resolution that eases your pain.

A few years ago I decided to stop participating in normal activities. I stopped going to school, I stopped pursuing a real career, etc. It was the best decision I ever made. I've just wanted to be lazy, but living in America that is tough. We fetishize going to work and sacrificing your time to meaningless pursuits. By most people's metrics I am an unsuccessful person, but for me that was my greatest success.

For awhile, my parents tried to push me to try harder which was rough. After my first brother died they were still tough on me. After my second brother died, though, they stopped pressuring me which has been good for me.

I wanted to enjoy my younger years as best as I could, and I hope that I have.

 

[The Mute Viking]

A few years ago I decided to stop participating in normal activities. I stopped going to school, I stopped pursuing a real career, etc. It was the best decision I ever made. I've just wanted to be lazy, but living in America that is tough. We fetishize going to work and sacrificing your time to meaningless pursuits. By most people's metrics I am an unsuccessful person, but for me that was my greatest success.

For awhile, my parents tried to push me to try harder which was rough. After my first brother died they were still tough on me. After my second brother died, though, they stopped pressuring me which has been good for me.

I wanted to enjoy my younger years as best as I could, and I hope that I have.

I wish I could understand that. My life has been ruins since ever I could remember and I'm glad at least you had parents that tried in the way they knew how. I'm terribly grieved you've lost brothers to suicide. Mental Ilness is feroscious disease in our world. I blame the way our world works as the cause for it.

I'm sure your parents are barely hanging on after two of them have died, although I cannot speak for them.
I know that if my son died, it would crush me and I would join him immediately.

My son is the only reason I exist and has saved me more times than I can count.

I'm sure my words won't be any help or relief to you and wont' solve your problems.
But know; that somewhere in this big fucked up world. I hope that if you choose to go that it's for the right reasons and that I will be thinking about you from now on, stranger.

 

[FuneralCry]

You seem really well planned. I can relate to how you have said you see suicide as a rational option. I have been thinking about it for a long time and nothing can really help me and I just want permanent peace. I dread the future too. Many other people will always fail to understand that and accept it. I wish you the best with what you are doing.

 

[lifesucksiguess]

I wish I could understand that. My life has been ruins since ever I could remember and I'm glad at least you had parents that tried in the way they knew how. I'm terribly grieved you've lost brothers to suicide. Mental Ilness is feroscious disease in our world. I blame the way our world works as the cause for it.

I'm sure your parents are barely hanging on after two of them have died, although I cannot speak for them.
I know that if my son died, it would crush me and I would join him immediately.

My son is the only reason I exist and has saved me more times than I can count.

I'm sure my words won't be any help or relief to you and wont' solve your problems.
But know; that somewhere in this big fucked up world. I hope that if you choose to go that it's for the right reasons and that I will be thinking about you from now on, stranger.

Yeah, it has been tough on them and my siblings. Never really phased me, though. My family members have decided for me that their deaths affected me greatly, and unfortunately that wasn't the case. When my dog died a few years ago it made me more upset than when I lost my brothers.

I know me dying is going to be really rough on people, which is unfortunate, but ultimately it isn't about them. I shouldn't have to stick around for the sake of other people. It isn't my responsibility.

If I'm being honest, one of the reasons I want to ctb is because I feel like a sociopath sometimes. I'm not manipulative or malicious, I just don't connect with people.

My psychiatrist thought it might be schizoid personality disorder, which fits a lot of my symptoms but not all of them. I don't go out of my way to isolate myself, but I generally don't mind being alone.

Thank you for the kind words.

You seem really well planned. I can relate to how you have said you see suicide as a rational option. I have been thinking about it for a long time and nothing can really help me and I just want permanent peace. I dread the future too. Many other people will always fail to understand that and accept it. I wish you the best with what you are doing.

I'm hope I am right that there is nothing after death. I've entertained the idea of being a pro-choice activist that is allowed to die on my own terms, without needing to have a terminal illness. I just don't want to wait that long. It is unfortunate, imo, that if I go it is going to be nearly impossible to convince people that it is what I wanted and that I didn't make a hasty decision. People are programmed to believe that suicide is always irrational and that someone has always failed if they fail to prevent a suicide.

 

[lifesucksiguess]

So I picked up my meto prescription today. I'm 2 hours into my first 10mg tablet. No side effects!

I purchased some Bailey's Irish Cream and a large 85% dark chocolate bar. I don't drink alcohol usually so I hope Bailey's is easy to drink after I take the N.

These past few days I've been really excited. Something about everything coming together is making me feel excited and motivated. I might aim for tonight or tomorrow I am so excited. I need to search my house and see if I can find some mouthwash to help numb my mouth.

I wrote a few notes to people last night. I'm thinking I'll just do it at home and schedule some emails to be sent out in 24-36 hours.

I am going to feel the worst about my dog. He isn't going to have a good time if I don't board him, but if I decide to speed up my timetable I don't think I'll be able to.

 

[lifesucksiguess]

Alright, I've prepped. In 20 minutes I can drink my N. I have 2 emails set to send in 28 hours. Hopefully that should be enough time without it being way too hard on my dog. He's going to have a rough time, but hopefully this is manageable.

I've been taking meto all day and just took an extra 30mg ~20 minutes ago. I have all of my stuff laid out. About to go get the Bailey's/dark chocolate for after the drink.

I didn't intend for this to be my goodbye thread, but it is looking like it will be. I know I wasn't here for very long. Good luck to everyone. I hope you get what you want in life. I hope I was able to help people before I left. I hope I don't chicken out at the very end. I hope I can keep the N down.

 

[motel rooms]

Good luck...

 

[Werewolf.]

I will be listening to TCM in honor of you.

 

[The Mute Viking]

Damn rip. I guess i'm gong to have honour two people today in death.

 

[lifesucksiguess]

Thank you for helping him die a painless death. I don't know much about this forum, but he had left it in his will for me to go through his online accounts and do what I see fit. Myself and everyone else who loved him are truly crushed, but we know this is truly what would have made him happy.

I don't have much more to say, as I'm really suffering with his death - but he did have a document he wanted people to see.




I don't know how to end this post. I know he wanted to die for a long time, and I know he didn't want to suffer. Thank you to the knowledgeable people who helped him fulfill his wishes. I hope others who read this can find happiness - as nobody should have to needlessly suffer through life.

Thank you for making him feel normal in this small corner of the internet.