So I lost my job in the COVID economic collapse (I'm a workaholic with an avoidant personality and its all that I had) two years ago. Since then I went back to college (in my late thirties, which is shitty) and I'm a year away from graduating. In the past year I've had cardiac problems and neck/shoulder problems but I just powered through. Two months ago I had sudden lower back pain and when I woke up the next morning I had pissed my pants. Saw a doctor immediately and they told me it was nothing just sit on a pad just a minor bicycling injury or something.
A month ago I developed what seems to be full blown urinary incontinence. Likely stemming from nerve damage in my neck and shoulder that these doctors have been downplaying while throwing the lamest pills at me that they can give for almost a year now. Surgery could have prevented this. I never imagined anything could be so sudden and shameful and horrific. I've got two doctors appointments coming up and if I don't get the answers I want from them I am going to catch the bus via .45 to the brainstem. I made suicide attempts when I was a teenager (with heroin, hanging, bleach ingestion) and was a regular on the alt.suicide.holiday forums of the late 90's/early 2000's. Back then I still felt an odd sense of hope but I feel nothing like that now, just fear shame and dread, plus a sense of urgency. This affliction is going to negate any chance of my life having a third act.
I stepped into a gun store for the first time last weekend and tried to control the pain in my crotch for long enough to look at the handguns. I felt a momentary sense of control over my life return and it was nice. They were all too expensive to just make spur of the moment purchase (I have a bunch of medical debt from insurance fucking me over this year) but at least I can just drive down the street and have the tools to end this quick.
A month ago I developed what seems to be full blown urinary incontinence. Likely stemming from nerve damage in my neck and shoulder that these doctors have been downplaying while throwing the lamest pills at me that they can give for almost a year now. Surgery could have prevented this. I never imagined anything could be so sudden and shameful and horrific. I've got two doctors appointments coming up and if I don't get the answers I want from them I am going to catch the bus via .45 to the brainstem. I made suicide attempts when I was a teenager (with heroin, hanging, bleach ingestion) and was a regular on the alt.suicide.holiday forums of the late 90's/early 2000's. Back then I still felt an odd sense of hope but I feel nothing like that now, just fear shame and dread, plus a sense of urgency. This affliction is going to negate any chance of my life having a third act.
I stepped into a gun store for the first time last weekend and tried to control the pain in my crotch for long enough to look at the handguns. I felt a momentary sense of control over my life return and it was nice. They were all too expensive to just make spur of the moment purchase (I have a bunch of medical debt from insurance fucking me over this year) but at least I can just drive down the street and have the tools to end this quick.
