Discussion [TW]Victims of rape/molest..what was your experience telling your family or partner about it??

[c.c]

Mod note:
Trigger Warning
The following thread contain potentially triggering descriptions of sexual assault.
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I am a victim of CSA and have never really told anyone the whole truth completely(just told my bf a bit) i am curious to know what was yall experience telling someone close to you about it or hearing about it from someone? How did there reaction or response effect you? What made you tell them about your rape/molest?

 

[iamanavalanche]

i was basically forced to tell my parents about a past sexually abusive relationship. my dad assumed i was lying immediately and now i think both of them arent bothered at all. when telling partners, they always give me sympathies and reassure me that if i dont want sex, they would be completely okay with that. they have ALL ended up crying in my arms or getting angry at the fact that i would not want sex for a period of time.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

It's saddening to see so many people's experiences where they weren't believed. :( I guess that's sort of similar to what happened here too.

I had been manipulated by my closest cousin on my dad's side of the family and during the events (it happened repeatedly) they would try to other my from the family and I remember an instance in church when they'd be up singing with our grandparents and acting cute (my grandparents used to be in charge of entertainment I'm not sure what the church-term for that is) while I sat in the pews like I was a literally nobody. It stopped after I stopped spending the weekends over there because I had to since it was the only way I could go to church which meant I had to stop going there too which was a permanent thing (I went back recently though with my grandmother just once for nostalgia's sake).

My dad was the first person I told and he didn't believe me and apparently he also forgot I ever told him because I had a breakdown recently about it and he didn't understand why I was upset being around them (because they're always usually around at family gatherings) and I realised he really did forget I ever told him. At least this time he believed me. He seemed distraught that I told him before and he didn't believe me then.

I told my sister because she wanted to know why I was self-harming and she believed me but I told her not to tell mom. I really didn't want it to "ruin" the family if everyone found out. She promised she wouldn't, then immediately told our mom. Eventually I did tell grandmother, rather recently about it because it was happening at her house. She was horrified but there wasn't much to be done about it since you can't just cut out an entire person from the family. And although now everyone does believe me, they also don't really take it serious because of their own experiences with sexual trauma which they chalk up to "that's just life".

I was asked once, during a psychiatric appointment, if I wanted to press charges now that we're all adults and there's no statute of limitations here. I really had to get myself out of it and tell them no because despite what they did, they had a life and I didn't and I couldn't take that from them. I still don't want anything legally done about it. It's far too late and they had their own demons that caused things to spiral that way and I get triggered seeing them sometimes, but it's not, idk. The end of the world, I suppose. I've also never tried to bring it up to the cousin involved since it all happened. I don't think they even remember what they did and there's no point.

There were also instances of casual groping and minor sexual assault from classmates and odd gestures from strange adults when I was a kid. I feel like those did more to confuse my sexuality than the actual ongoing abuse I went through.

 

[Renv1o_]

my family pretends it never happened- i still don't know if it every really happened. I'm awful

 

[Dot]

It's saddening to see so many people's experiences where they weren't believed. :( I guess that's sort of similar to what happened here too.

Slf thnk thre mst b a pattrn fr thse w/o havng gd spport endng up on sasu

Am sre tht thre wre plnty of victms wh/ wre belivd & pssbly hd slghtly bettr mentl helth destny as a rsult & hnce r mt on sasu

Guss am tryn2 sy tht nt evry1 wh/ cmes 4wrd wll hve thse xperncs bt = shme tht s/ mny ppl hve & will

 

[Emerita]

I never told my family about CSA, but my brother walked in on it happening to me, and I begged him not to tell anyone. The next day, when I got back from school, he was already home. He had punched the guy who had been doing it to me and was sent home. I remember walking into my home, and there was this unease in the air. No one said anything. I acted normal and went to my room.

Dinner passed, and still, no one had said anything about it. I eventually went for a shower. When I was walking back to my room with my towel wrapped around me, I noticed my mother was sitting on my bed. I asked her to leave so I could get dressed. She refused and awkwardly asked me if I wanted to tell her anything. I said I wanted her to leave my room.

She mentioned what my brother saw, and I didn't react. She then told me to sit by her. I told her I didn't want to I wanted to be alone. Eventually, my stubbornness in not opening up or admitting what had been going on made her upset. She told me to take my towel off so she could check. I said no and crossed my legs.

She then pried at my legs and took my towel off me to "check." She fell to the floor crying, and I remember feeling such disgust at her crying on my floor. I had no other emotion except when I remembered I was naked and covered myself up uncomfortably. When she left my room I laid in my closet and cried myself to sleep.

The next day, she drove me to school, except we went to the hospital without warning. I started crying because I didn't want to go in. She forced me to go and forced me to hold her hand while in the waiting room. The doctor told me I had to undress. I didn't want to, and I didn't want my mother in the room. He left, and my mother yelled at me for not complying.

Eventually, I was crying again and just followed through. The doctor and my mother proceeded to touch and look at me while I cried. After that, it was never acknowledged or brought up.


In high school I told a close guy friend about a different situation of CSA, and he assaulted me a few hours after that conversation.

 

[c.c]

i was basically forced to tell my parents about a past sexually abusive relationship. my dad assumed i was lying immediately and now i think both of them arent bothered at all. when telling partners, they always give me sympathies and reassure me that if i dont want sex, they would be completely okay with that. they have ALL ended up crying in my arms or getting angry at the fact that i would not want sex for a period of time.

I am so sorry..date rape/molestation should be acknowledged and one's choice relating to sex should be respected but unfortunately men especially the one's who havn't experienced such things themselves or just don't get the depth of the trauma or respect other's choice..don't understand it

 

[Dot]

i was basically forced to tell my parents about a past sexually abusive relationship. my dad assumed i was lying immediately and now i think both of them arent bothered at all.

& thn thy wondr Y thy r gttng phne clls abt SN ordrs

 

[c.c]

It's saddening to see so many people's experiences where they weren't believed. :( I guess that's sort of similar to what happened here too.

I had been manipulated by my closest cousin on my dad's side of the family and during the events (it happened repeatedly) they would try to other my from the family and I remember an instance in church when they'd be up singing with our grandparents and acting cute (my grandparents used to be in charge of entertainment I'm not sure what the church-term for that is) while I sat in the pews like I was a literally nobody. It stopped after I stopped spending the weekends over there because I had to since it was the only way I could go to church which meant I had to stop going there too which was a permanent thing (I went back recently though with my grandmother just once for nostalgia's sake).

My dad was the first person I told and he didn't believe me and apparently he also forgot I ever told him because I had a breakdown recently about it and he didn't understand why I was upset being around them (because they're always usually around at family gatherings) and I realised he really did forget I ever told him. At least this time he believed me. He seemed distraught that I told him before and he didn't believe me then.

I told my sister because she wanted to know why I was self-harming and she believed me but I told her not to tell mom. I really didn't want it to "ruin" the family if everyone found out. She promised she wouldn't, then immediately told our mom. Eventually I did tell grandmother, rather recently about it because it was happening at her house. She was horrified but there wasn't much to be done about it since you can't just cut out an entire person from the family. And although now everyone does believe me, they also don't really take it serious because of their own experiences with sexual trauma which they chalk up to "that's just life".

I was asked once, during a psychiatric appointment, if I wanted to press charges now that we're all adults and there's no statute of limitations here. I really had to get myself out of it and tell them no because despite what they did, they had a life and I didn't and I couldn't take that from them. I still don't want anything legally done about it. It's far too late and they had their own demons that caused things to spiral that way and I get triggered seeing them sometimes, but it's not, idk. The end of the world, I suppose. I've also never tried to bring it up to the cousin involved since it all happened. I don't think they even remember what they did and there's no point.

There were also instances of casual groping and minor sexual assault from classmates and odd gestures from strange adults when I was a kid. I feel like those did more to confuse my sexuality than the actual ongoing abuse I went through.

I am so sorry that you feel that way till now. Every women almost have had there encounteres with sexual trauma but that's NOT JUST LIFE THAT'S A LITERAL CRIME. What you went through wasn't small. CSA is a huge crime and to also forget about it? Like are they even humans? I am sure the cousin remembers it even if it's a bit and that doesn't justifies it. See i don't know exactly how bad you must have felt see them again and having ptsd triggered and reliving the trauma but i am too gonna see my molester (close cousin from dad's side) next month and be in the house where he has masturbated over me at everu single place,matters,floor,etc and alot more gross things and i can imagine what it must have felt and though it is easier said than done cut them off..don't go to that house and just because other's have similar stories doesn't makes your any less valid...hope you recover soon and live in happiness...also, your life will always matter more than that damn monster's..remember he ruined a part of you, cause you severe mental harm ..you have every right to ruin his. I understand not wanting to go through legal stuff and all but atlest call him out..humiliate him that's the least you can do for yourself ...take care dear♡

my family pretends it never happened- i still don't know if it every really happened. I'm awful

in my case, i was molested by a stranger 3 weeks before my 7th birthday and was scared and didn't understand what had happened and went to sleep and next day everything and everyone was so normal that it felt like a dream...never told anyone and 10 years later it hit me that i was indeed molested and then i was molested again by my cousin for 2 months and sometimes when i had just woken up and he was asleep and i was traveling to school i would feel like maybe it was a sick dream again..he could never do something that bad ..but then the cuts on my thighs would sting and i would remembered that it wasn't a dream...
And your parents should have never done that..your feeling are valid and you are a victim of severe crime..if you are still confused ask yourself some questions like-
Did you started seeing nightmares related to that right after the abuse? Do you breakdown or feel awwfull to describe what you went through in detail to someone? If you don't have selective amnesia you might even remember every.single.detail..you would also remember the hand placement...if the answer to everything was a YES your memory is real..and i hope you find people who are understanding and considerate who you can rely on..hope you recover soon and be happy♡

I never told my family about CSA, but my brother walked in on it happening to me, and I begged him not to tell anyone. The next day, when I got back from school, he was already home. He had punched the guy who had been doing it to me and was sent home. I remember walking into my home, and there was this unease in the air. No one said anything. I acted normal and went to my room.

Dinner passed, and still, no one had said anything about it. I eventually went for a shower. When I was walking back to my room with my towel wrapped around me, I noticed my mother was sitting on my bed. I asked her to leave so I could get dressed. She refused and awkwardly asked me if I wanted to tell her anything. I said I wanted her to leave my room.

She mentioned what my brother saw, and I didn't react. She then told me to sit by her. I told her I didn't want to I wanted to be alone. Eventually, my stubbornness in not opening up or admitting what had been going on made her upset. She told me to take my towel off so she could check. I said no and crossed my legs.

She then pried at my legs and took my towel off me to "check." She fell to the floor crying, and I remember feeling such disgust at her crying on my floor. I had no other emotion except when I remembered I was naked and covered myself up uncomfortably. When she left my room I laid in my closet and cried myself to sleep.

The next day, she drove me to school, except we went to the hospital without warning. I started crying because I didn't want to go in. She forced me to go and forced me to hold her hand while in the waiting room. The doctor told me I had to undress. I didn't want to, and I didn't want my mother in the room. He left, and my mother yelled at me for not complying.

Eventually, I was crying again and just followed through. The doctor and my mother proceeded to touch and look at me while I cried. After that, it was never acknowledged or brought up.

In high school I told a close guy friend about a different situation of CSA, and he assaulted me a few hours after that conversation.

I am so sorry you experienced all that..what your brother did was right and that guy friend deserved it to...the doc and your mother failed to understand your reaction caused due to trauma and then failed you by not supporting you through it..i hope you find a good MH care and people who are actually kind,considerate,caring and understanding..hope you find real happiness ♡

 

[25jiyuki]

I am a victim of CSA and have never really told anyone the whole truth completely(just told my bf a bit) i am curious to know what was yall experience telling someone close to you about it or hearing about it from someone? How did there reaction or response effect you? What made you tell them about your rape/molest?

When I opened up about COCSA (child-on-child SA) I was still a kid at the time. I begged my mom not to tell anyone, because the assaulter had been my friend and I didn't want her to be thrown in jail or something. I didn't understand the severity of what happened, even after having it happen to me and then witnessing it to another kid. The memory became blurry and I starting dissociating every day after that.

My mom didn't tell anyone, like I asked, but now that I'm older I wish she did.. In short, nothing really happened. I just had to live with this myself. I got some comfort and pity when I first said something but I wish I got therapy instead. Because it's still affected me to this day, in relationships especially…

Everything is unfair

 

[monetpompo]

So then I got to be shamed by his wonderful mother who told me and I quote, "I got molested as a child too and I don't sit around and act like a whiny little bitch like you." It was then I realised no one is ever going to fully believe or understand me, and I have to sit with this alone the rest of my life, without any source of validation.

This whole thread just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. Most people will just deliberately not believe you and that's so awful. And even if they do think that you're telling the truth, they'll call you whiny or annoying for not just "getting over it" the way everyone else (because everyone gets molested apparently??) does. All people expect you to do when you go through this is to tell a therapist, because then you're not putting the burden on them. People will either get a savior-esque satisfaction from listening to you talk about your molestation because they're "helping" you without actually doing anything or they'll get uncomfortable listening to you talk about it because your weakness disgusts them. You literally just aren't supposed to talk about it. You're never meant to bring it up because people don't care and they don't want to think about it. It's awful that your husband used your history of sexual abuse as blackmail because he was angry with you.

 

[c.c]

When I opened up about COCSA (child-on-child SA) I was still a kid at the time. I begged my mom not to tell anyone, because the assaulter had been my friend and I didn't want her to be thrown in jail or something. I didn't understand the severity of what happened, even after having it happen to me and then witnessing it to another kid. The memory became blurry and I starting dissociating every day after that.

My mom didn't tell anyone, like I asked, but now that I'm older I wish she did.. In short, nothing really happened. I just had to live with this myself. I got some comfort and pity when I first said something but I wish I got therapy instead. Because it's still affected me to this day, in relationships especially…

Everything is unfair

I am so sorry you went through that..i can imagine as a kid how it would have felt and haw much of a kind person you were since childhood..you didn't deserve that and you deserve support,help,understanding and a lot more than just some pity ...i hope you find a great therapist and happiness ..take care of yourself ♡

This whole thread just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. Most people will just deliberately not believe you and that's so awful. And even if they do think that you're telling the truth, they'll call you whiny or annoying for not just "getting over it" the way everyone else (because everyone gets molested apparently??) does. All people expect you to do when you go through this is to tell a therapist, because then you're not putting the burden on them. People will either get a savior-esque satisfaction from listening to you talk about your molestation because they're "helping" you without actually doing anything or they'll get uncomfortable listening to you talk about it because your weakness disgusts them. You literally just aren't supposed to talk about it. You're never meant to bring it up because people don't care and they don't want to think about it. It's awful that your husband used your history of sexual abuse as blackmail because he was angry with you.

I couldn't agree any less...people who are the victims never open up due to these real selfish people who are the reason why many csa amd rape victims never open up such as me and have to live with it our whole life and when these people have minor problems they can make a huge deal about it and blame us? Use it as an excuse to neglect us,put blame on us..and then when someone like us commits suicide due to the trauma and due to their negligence ...and then they cry saying we should have asked for help? We should have relied on them? Etc. Though when alive we were left to deal with all of it all alone and got tagged as "selfish" after choosing the only option of internal peace and happiness and a rest from our slient battles we are fighting alone without any support or guidence or help...

Initial sympathy now indifferent

I hope you find the kind,considerate, empathetic and understanding people soon to rely on..hope recover soon and be happy♡