Venting TW:SH I'm addicted to cutting

[mossball]

Trigger warning: self-harm

As title says, I'm addicted to cutting. I've been at it since the beginning of highschool. When I was 16-18 I walked about with a blade in my pocket so I could cut in public bathrooms and school bathrooms.

After a while I didn't even cut because I was stressed or anxious, I'd just cut. It became a craving like coffee. I've been addicted to coffee since I was nine years old and the feeling is the same. A constant nagging in my head. Once I cut too much and it wouldn't stop and my boyfriend was around and he made me go to the hospital to get stitched up. He was freaking out and I was only anxious because of the hospital – the cut itself was a sensation I liked. I think it's the adrenaline.

He has been watching me for a while and blocking me from getting a new blade. The one I had is dull. And now I'm under constant surveillance/house arrest and I can't do shit. The constant nagging in my head is insufferable. Sometimes I watch bread scoring videos to get that feeling, but I think that only worsens the itch.

 

[Hirokami]

I can relate, honestly. I want to cut myself but I'm not allowed to do so due to the people in my life. If I start again, and they find out, my life would become hell. Still, I crave it just as much as a cigarette, especially when I'm stressed. And honestly, I'm in constant stress. Nothing quite calms me down like self-harm does. At the moment, I have yet to find a reason to not cut for myself rather than not cutting just because others don't want me to.

 

[mossball]

I can relate, honestly. I want to cut myself but I'm not allowed to do so due to the people in my life. If I start again, and they find out, my life would become hell. Still, I crave it just as much as a cigarette, especially when I'm stressed. And honestly, I'm in constant stress. Nothing quite calms me down like self-harm does. At the moment, I have yet to find a reason to not cut for myself rather than not cutting just because others don't want me to.

Yeah that's exactly how it feels! There's no other thing (at least no other healthy thing) I can think of that soothes me quite like cutting does. Funnily though, now that I've been without it for a while, I've started craving alcohol and cigarettes – and I was never a smoker.

People have often tried to tell me why cutting is bad for me and rationally I get it but it just doesn't register.

 

[plough22]

Yeah that's exactly how it feels! There's no other thing (at least no other healthy thing) I can think of that soothes me quite like cutting does. Funnily though, now that I've been without it for a while, I've started craving alcohol and cigarettes – and I was never a smoker.

People have often tried to tell me why cutting is bad for me and rationally I get it but it just doesn't register.

It's exactly how I feel too on being told to STOP, the urge is there to cut but I'm keeping myself from doing it. The feeling of release, seeing the blood. I cannot say that I won't go back to cutting/slapping even but I'm in control due to meds. It's tough, it's something that I never did abs now it's become apart of me. I not ashamed of my scars, they are a problem though to hide from view

 

[Sensei]

I have to admit that I don't fully understand this, but I want to understand. Is cutting a kind of extreme distraction to forget the mental pain for a moment, or am I completely wrong?

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I was addicted to that too...I still remember how it felt. After that it was alcohol, harmless relationships and what ever could hurt me and give me that feeling.
Nowadays I have eating disorder (I don't want to eat), so I think self-harm is part of me always it only changes that what it is.

I hope you can let it go someday.

 

[LunarPyotr]

Yeah, it's $hit really addicting.. I think that it's also my problem here or maybe the fact that I was gifted with that auto-shutdown functionality where I pass out when I see my blood, slowly covering my hairy arm and if it's not helping, I have there a certain bottle with wound disinfection "water" which stings like hell but then I definitely pass out and wake up a hour or so, all relaxed and mostly with some blood stains on my face.

Tbh. here, I don't know why people use box cutters. They are really shitty.
I have extra an titanium knife inside my amplifier for doing that stuff.

I paid like 27€ for it and I used it for quite a while and it's still sharp as af.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I used to cut myself, I don't anymore but I know what it's like.
I'm now an alcholic with my memory and focus is getting worse with no appeitite.

 

[DoodleBug]

The very first cut is usually enough to change you in the long run. I had two times in my life when I cut a lot throughout the month.

I tended to use a shaving razor but then I moved on to traditional ones. Before my 22nd birthday Ive slashed my arm pretty hard, which resulted in scars that are less than removable.

Ive also made a giant cut above my left knee, and, well, as gruesome as it is, ive managed to hide it, but no stitching helped. I still have a giant mark.

Its been years since I cut and I dont want to return to that. None of that really leaves you, and im kinda tired of always wearing long-sleeved shirts. Being an addict doesn't help at all.

We can only hang in there and fight the cravings.

 

[mossball]

I have to admit that I don't fully understand this, but I want to understand. Is cutting a kind of extreme distraction to forget the mental pain for a moment, or am I completely wrong?

I'm hesitant to describe cause I wouldn't want to make someone interested in it haha... But yeah something like that. Maybe it's more that when we get hurt our bodies release adrenaline and I think (?) one of those other feel good hormones so we can get past the pain. That's probably the addicting part. So I'll be a hypocrite and advise against it cuz it's hard to stop.

Nowadays I have eating disorder (I don't want to eat), so I think self-harm is part of me always it only changes that what it is.

I hope you can let it go someday.

Dealing with EDs sounds like it's really difficult... I hope you can recover someday and that I can stop too. All of us deserve better.

 

[WaterHemlock]

I've cut, a long time ago. My niece did too. I'm pretty sure it releases natural opiates and other stuff that relieves pain.
I was advised to try less damaging ways to create sensation.
Things like a stiff brush against your skin or a ruler or rubber band slapped against your wrist. There were other things that wouldn't permently damage but would cause pain. It helped me, but I never really liked the sight of blood dripping. It's worth a try.