nolifeleft
exhausted
- Aug 20, 2023
- 4
i first tried to kill myself with my moms scarf in the closet of our 1 bedroom apartment while she was in bed watching tv. i was nine and it was a pathetic attempt, obviously wouldnt've worked and i just ended up ripping her scarf. she was upset with the results of her scarf, but didn't really care for what i'd done. i then tried, with extremely pathetic attempts, every summer after that. they were weak attempts, ones that obviously wouldnt've worked, but looking back now, i think they were done with the hopes that one of my parents would walk in mid-attempt and try to save me. definitive proof they cared.
when i was in fourth grade, i wrote a future suicide note. i wrote about how i planned to kill myself on my sixteenth birthday. i wanted to leave it in my desk for a teacher to see and be alarmed, but i didn't out of fear of repercussion. i just wanted someone to care. when my sixteenth birthday came around, i was kind of happy that day, so i didn't go through with it. i remember feeling dreadful the day after because i had failed my younger self by not ending my life.
in august 2023, i really tried to kill myself. this wasn't a weak pathetic attempt in hopes that someone would walk in and finally demonstrate concern for my wellbeing, this was a real, meaningful attempt. my cat started clawing at the door as i began to lose oxygen and so i decided to undo the makeshift rope i was using. i almost died. i really, almost would have died.
now i have four hours until my birthday. every birthday since my sixteenth has felt like i have disappointed my younger self. i don't want to get older, i don't want to be young again. i don't want to be. im so tired of the weight of being alive. i just want to sleep forever. i love my cats and they keep me alive and help me create a vision for the future. if i didn't have them i'd be dead right now, but sometimes i wish they weren't here with me. i'd feel more free and able to disappear. living alone is also so lonely. i like having someone to care for, and they love me a lot. they care.
happy (almost) 22nd birthday to me. let me know if you relate to the weak attempts. i just wanted someone to notice, y'know?
when i was in fourth grade, i wrote a future suicide note. i wrote about how i planned to kill myself on my sixteenth birthday. i wanted to leave it in my desk for a teacher to see and be alarmed, but i didn't out of fear of repercussion. i just wanted someone to care. when my sixteenth birthday came around, i was kind of happy that day, so i didn't go through with it. i remember feeling dreadful the day after because i had failed my younger self by not ending my life.
in august 2023, i really tried to kill myself. this wasn't a weak pathetic attempt in hopes that someone would walk in and finally demonstrate concern for my wellbeing, this was a real, meaningful attempt. my cat started clawing at the door as i began to lose oxygen and so i decided to undo the makeshift rope i was using. i almost died. i really, almost would have died.
now i have four hours until my birthday. every birthday since my sixteenth has felt like i have disappointed my younger self. i don't want to get older, i don't want to be young again. i don't want to be. im so tired of the weight of being alive. i just want to sleep forever. i love my cats and they keep me alive and help me create a vision for the future. if i didn't have them i'd be dead right now, but sometimes i wish they weren't here with me. i'd feel more free and able to disappear. living alone is also so lonely. i like having someone to care for, and they love me a lot. they care.
happy (almost) 22nd birthday to me. let me know if you relate to the weak attempts. i just wanted someone to notice, y'know?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY 
