Trying to stay positive but I can't do this....

[Life Is My Coffin]

Was very skeptical making a post like this cuz I've had very not-so-good experiences making myself vulnerable. Sometimes it has led to me to me being essentially shit on with the sensitive information I revealed of myself to another person as a weapon against me - it kind of even happened on this very site with the last thread i posted which led to me just deleting the thread. But I guess i'll give it one more shot... hope this won't be a mistake, but I can't take hurting right now. Ultimately, I want others around me over here to think I'm happy, even if I'm not happy at all (im not) I don't want to show them that weakness.

I don't even really know how to say this, I guess i'll start with the fact that I stayed up through the night again mostly listening to music and watching films with the occasional weeping. It's crazy how much sadness I'm carrying on my shoulders through nearly every day, but I really only reveal to myself how much im actually hurting by the time it's night and everyone is asleep. Within the last month and a half I went on two acid trips (one was a mix with mushrooms) and both times I got the same answers, that my life is really lacking in depth. Surely there must be more for me, right? I feel like there is but I don't know how or where to start. Right now I make money, I take care of my funny Japanese dog and I watch youtube. Rinse. Repeat. It's gotten so old, and the psychedelics really made me realize that it's not enough. It hasn't always been this way, I used to have more friends and last year when I had 2 different girlfriends on and off throughout then. At the time I felt I was doing something right until I realized I was being abused by both of them.

Let me just say my life has consisted of pretty bad experiences with women. Everything from my mom beating the shit out of me throughout my entire childhood and constantly taking my belongings away any time she could find any petty excuse to be irritated with me all the way to me growing to be 15 years old / adulthood and dating (very mentally ill) women who gave me their love along with really awful trauma to go with it. The worst case of NPD I've ever experienced in my life was a person I was together with last year, it was bad, so bad. How bad? Well shes over a decade older than me and pretty much her whole family wants nothing to do with her because of an argument she had with them about 2 years ago, but yet still retains this absolutely fucking insane grandiose delusion that she's right and theyre all wrong just like she does in every single conflict she has with anybody. I unfortunately had to suffer this type of stuff for months (fun fact: she never apologized to me once and actually meant what she said - every "apology" ever said to me was just taken back later along with defending her actions). Another really shitty act of manipulation that I had to deal with that I don't like thinking about is being pushed into the idea that I should impregnate you or else the relationship with you is completely pointless. I've unfortunately had to experience this more than once. Let me just say I have never ever expressed any desire of wanting children, I never want them. I hate kids. This woman guilt tripped me for not cumming in her pussy on and off for multiple days. I can't even explain it. But yeh, this has happened before with other girls, one even tried physically forcing me to do it (if you want details I can provide on request , but I'm trying to just keep this as not-awkward as possible but needless to say it was disturbing to say the least). I can go on and fucking on and fucking on with all the very awful memories I have with this person and how bad they treated me, manipulated me, gaslighted me but I still didn't want to let them go cuz I just wanted a gram of their occasional affection that she would only provide if she felt she wanted to. Oh well, at least the other girl I dated last year wasnt as abusive to me.... that's better....... right?

Currently my mom is going in to have a surgery soon and will be away for over 8 or 9 days, so it's going to be very lonely for me soon, as if this whole year hasn't been lonely enough. Before I joined this site, I tried ending my life. However I'm glad I found this place cuz ironically this place actually made me not want to die anymore. I always love talking with you all, and it pains me that many sign up mostly to find methods to die cuz a lot of you are very kind. There are many reasons why I can't kill myself right now, so it's not a option for me to leave. I just want to feel good, I'd rather just make this work and have my life be tolerable. But theres a lot in the past and present that's keeping me from fully achieving that, the nights are always the worst, the memories/trauma always haunts me. On top of that male loneliness is a very real and very painful thing. It's worse now in the post-COVID world than ever. I just want someone to understand, someone to not dismiss what I feel and someone to not use my anecdotes against me. I pray posting this is a good decision cuz I've already said far too much

 

[Weltall]

Was very skeptical making a post like this cuz I've had very not-so-good experiences making myself vulnerable. Sometimes it has led to me to me being essentially shit on with the sensitive information I revealed of myself to another person as a weapon against me - it kind of even happened on this very site with the last thread i posted which led to me just deleting the thread. But I guess i'll give it one more shot... hope this won't be a mistake, but I can't take hurting right now. Ultimately, I want others around me over here to think I'm happy, even if I'm not happy at all (im not) I don't want to show them that weakness.

I don't even really know how to say this, I guess i'll start with the fact that I stayed up through the night again mostly listening to music and watching films with the occasional weeping. It's crazy how much sadness I'm carrying on my shoulders through nearly every day, but I really only reveal to myself how much im actually hurting by the time it's night and everyone is asleep. Within the last month and a half I went on two acid trips (one was a mix with mushrooms) and both times I got the same answers, that my life is really lacking in depth. Surely there must be more for me, right? I feel like there is but I don't know how or where to start. Right now I make money, I take care of my funny Japanese dog and I watch youtube. Rinse. Repeat. It's gotten so old, and the psychedelics really made me realize that it's not enough. It hasn't always been this way, I used to have more friends and last year when I had 2 different girlfriends on and off throughout then. At the time I felt I was doing something right until I realized I was being abused by both of them.

Let me just say my life has consisted of pretty bad experiences with women. Everything from my mom beating the shit out of me throughout my entire childhood and constantly taking my belongings away any time she could find any petty excuse to be irritated with me all the way to me growing to be 15 years old / adulthood and dating (very mentally ill) women who gave me their love along with really awful trauma to go with it. The worst case of NPD I've ever experienced in my life was a person I was together with last year, it was bad, so bad. How bad? Well shes over a decade older than me and pretty much her whole family wants nothing to do with her because of an argument she had with them about 2 years ago, but yet still retains this absolutely fucking insane grandiose delusion that she's right and theyre all wrong just like she does in every single conflict she has with anybody. I unfortunately had to suffer this type of stuff for months (fun fact: she never apologized to me once and actually meant what she said - every "apology" ever said to me was just taken back later along with defending her actions). Another really shitty act of manipulation that I had to deal with that I don't like thinking about is being pushed into the idea that I should impregnate you or else the relationship with you is completely pointless. I've unfortunately had to experience this more than once. Let me just say I have never ever expressed any desire of wanting children, I never want them. I hate kids. This woman guilt tripped me for not cumming in her pussy on and off for multiple days. I can't even explain it. But yeh, this has happened before with other girls, one even tried physically forcing me to do it (if you want details I can provide on request , but I'm trying to just keep this as not-awkward as possible but needless to say it was disturbing to say the least). I can go on and fucking on and fucking on with all the very awful memories I have with this person and how bad they treated me, manipulated me, gaslighted me but I still didn't want to let them go cuz I just wanted a gram of their occasional affection that she would only provide if she felt she wanted to. Oh well, at least the other girl I dated last year wasnt as abusive to me.... that's better....... right?

Currently my mom is going in to have a surgery soon and will be away for over 8 or 9 days, so it's going to be very lonely for me soon, as if this whole year hasn't been lonely enough. Before I joined this site, I tried ending my life. However I'm glad I found this place cuz ironically this place actually made me not want to die anymore. I always love talking with you all, and it pains me that many sign up mostly to find methods to die cuz a lot of you are very kind. There are many reasons why I can't kill myself right now, so it's not a option for me to leave. I just want to feel good, I'd rather just make this work and have my life be tolerable. But theres a lot in the past and present that's keeping me from fully achieving that, the nights are always the worst, the memories/trauma always haunts me. On top of that male loneliness is a very real and very painful thing. It's worse now in the post-COVID world than ever. I just want someone to understand, someone to not dismiss what I feel and someone to not use my anecdotes against me. I pray posting this is a good decision cuz I've already said far too much

I'm emotionally drained/tired right now, but I wanted to respond to this as it's important to me.
I can't give you my full thoughts, but I wanted to express at least some of my feelings.

I'm like you in the fact that joining SaSu helped me embrace my mortality more.
I still have CTB thoughts and urges, but they're not as intense compared to when I first joined.
Starting the steps and having barriers definitely helped with planting my feet on the ground
There are good and lovely things in this world that we can appreciate with our human senses, but it's still exhausting.

I'm sorry your childhood was traumatic as it was.
Every child deserves a mother that nurtures and cares for them with love.
You being lacked that is saddening.
Despite all of that, you still are attached and care for her.
I hope her surgery goes well and she recovers with ease.

It's very difficult being lonely as a guy.
When I was a kid, I felt like my whole purpose in life was to find someone and give them all of my love.
I didn't have any specific drives or goals growing up unless there was someone I could appreciate it with.
I did find someone, and then I felt betrayed and lost afterwards.

I really hope you can find someone that deserves you Coffin.

 

[username8888]

I have never ever expressed any desire of wanting children, I never want them. I hate kids. This woman guilt tripped me for not cumming in her pussy on and off for multiple days. I can't even explain it

Oh my mouth, what kinda wrong scripted creature is that!?

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Oh my mouth, what kinda wrong scripted creature is that!?

Not the first time it's happened. as i explained I have heard the "i don't know what the point of us dating is if you won't give me a child" type of stuff before, albeit they were not as persistent about it as this.

I just don't understand it. I've never once told any person ever that I want a child. I'm very clear about that. No female listens i guess

 

[username8888]

Currently my mom is going in to have a surgery soon and will be away for over 8 or 9 days, so it's going to be very lonely for me soon, as if this whole year hasn't been lonely enough. Before I joined this site, I tried ending my life. However I'm glad I found this place cuz ironically this place actually made me not want to die anymore.

Even if I had all the woman and billions, I would still kill myself painlessly. That's just me.

Life is my coffin, not wanting to die is also an option. And I respect that.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Even if I had all the woman and billions, I would still kill myself painlessly. That's just me.

Life is my coffin, not wanting to die is also an option. And I respect that.

Yeh i've learned a lot of people on the forum have it way harder than me. I'm very emotional atm and that's why I gave into making this stupid post. It's all too much to handle.



I really shouldn't listen to music that makes me cry, but my current urge to self-harm is described so well in this track (plus LHLS is a goat).

...Sometimes I actually hate that I relate to such horrid emotional depravity. It makes me feel worse that i ever became so melancholic in this life. However I also never chose to have all these shitty experiences happen to me.

 

[username8888]

Yeh i've learned a lot of people on the forum have it way harder than me. I'm very emotional atm and that's why I gave into making this stupid post. It's all too much to handle.



I really shouldn't listen to music that makes me cry, but my current urge to self-harm is described so well in this track. Sometimes I actually hate that I relate to such horrid emotional depravity. It makes me feel worse that i ever became so melancholic in this life

It's very cool when you find your mood in music and post on SaSu. I think you have a unique persona here. You just post the song without giving a f-! That's interesting. By the way I am listening it right now

 

[justcallmeJ]

Heavy story, im sorry you had these things happen to you. Moms can be a real pain. I wish I could give you a well deserved irl hug.

Within the last month and a half I went on two acid trips (one was a mix with mushrooms) and both times I got the same answers, that my life is really lacking in depth. Surely there must be more for me, right? I feel like there is but I don't know how or where to start. Right now I make money, I take care of my funny Japanese dog and I watch youtube. Rinse. Repeat. It's gotten so old, and the psychedelics really made me realize that it's not enough.

Could you maybe do something extra in your life? Something that could make you feel more purposeful? Voluntary work? Start a funny japanese dog x death metal head Instagram account? You could meet new people with that perhaps.

Much love <3

 

[R_N]

I am not sure if the thread you are talking about is the one we engaged in, but I asure you, it was never my intention to "shit on you".

I just tried to make you see things in broader perspective. Which could also help you in a way.

 

[username8888]

Yeh i've learned a lot of people on the forum have it way harder than me. I'm very emotional atm and that's why I gave into making this stupid post. It's all too much to handle.



I really shouldn't listen to music that makes me cry, but my current urge to self-harm is described so well in this track (plus LHLS is a goat).

...Sometimes I actually hate that I relate to such horrid emotional depravity. It makes me feel worse that i ever became so melancholic in this life.
But I also never chose to have all these shitty experiences happen to me.

I like your vibe but I am always on girl cover no matter what the genre.

See, this is the same music that you posted now.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I am not sure if the thread you are talking about is the one we engaged in, but I asure you, it was never my intention to "shit on you".

I just tried to make you see things in broader perspective. Which could also help you in a way.

It wasn't even about you dude, that was a profile post. Not a thread. I wasn't mad about that at all.

It's very cool when you find your mood in music and post on SaSu. I think you have a unique persona here. You just post the song without giving a f-! That's interesting. By the way I am listening it right now

I just try to share around some depressive/suicidal black metal (DSBM) around the site sometimes cuz i feel a lot more users can relate to it. It's the most "im going to CTB tonight" music there is

See, this is the same music that you posted now.

Yeh i love him.

 

[R_N]

It wasn't even about you dude, that was a profile post. Not a thread

Ok we are good then. :)

 

[username8888]

It's the most "im going to CTB tonight" music there is

Yeah there is too much "depression" around the site. I guess I am outcast when it comes to depressive atmosphere.

Even though I am living in a economically unstable country. Working a full months is 400$ (i exchanged the currency) nowadays. I just save that money slowly to make myself nitrogen cylinder. If I hadn't found out living on lentils and water and bare minimum, I would have crashed under this condition already.

Sometimes I wonder am I the only one who just wants to kill himself out of pure curiosity of afterlife?

Within the last month and a half I went on two acid trips (one was a mix with mushrooms) and both times I got the same answers, that my life is really lacking in depth. Surely there must be more for me, right?

Acid trips are like fastest way to communicate with different being or something?

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Acid trips are like fastest way to communicate with different being or something?

I mean...That's not really the point of psychedelics or how they work lol

Even though I am living in an economically unstable country. Working a full months is 400$ (i exchanged the currency) nowadays. I just save that money slowly to make myself nitrogen cylinder.

that's another reason why ending my whole shit isn't good for me right now, because Id rather just spend my money buying a recreational drug to numb the pain for a bit rather than buying a drug that will cause me to CTB. (Ironically finding N and SN is probably even harder these days than it is to find percocets, cocaine, molly or LSD)

also here's some DSBM:

 

[username8888]

(Ironically finding N and SN is probably even harder these days than it is to find percocets, cocaine, molly or LSD)

I watched a documentary about the UK. And there, it seems, finding steroid is more easier than finding SN.

also here's some DSBM:

What is DSBM?

 

[UsagiDrop]

On top of that male loneliness is a very real and very painful thing. It's worse now in the post-COVID world than ever.

I'm not a man, but I just want to affirm you on this. I agree that male loneliness is an epidemic that we should be taking more seriously and I feel for you all. I actively see men and their feelings being dismissed on a daily basis. I hate to admit it but I've even been the person to dismiss them, and that was before I knew what I know now. It's valid and understandable for you to feel lonely, though I'm so sorry that you have to endure a feeling like that. And I'm even more sorry that the people who were supposed to be nurturing and pouring into you have made you suffer so much as well.

What you went though isn't any less real because women were the ones that did it to you, nor is it any less real because others on this forum have went through worse. All of the negative and abusive things really should not have happened to you at all. Women can be awful too but unfortunately a lot of our transgressions are flying under the radar in the current climate we are in. Sexual coercion for the purposes of reproducing should be a crime imo, btw.

I wish I could do something to help, or to ease your pain. All I can say is that I understand what you've expressed and I'm empathetic towards your very real pain. Thank you for being brave enough to be vulnerable, I hope that you won't feel sharing with us was a mistake and I hope you won't get any icky responses. I'm wishing you all the best and I hope that you can find something that gives your life more depth and meaning. I would offer advice on that front but I'm fighting the same battle when it comes to staying alive. I hope that you will feel less alone one day. I see your posts and comments sometimes, you are also a kind person!

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

What is DSBM?

.....

 

[username8888]

also here's some DSBM:

The last song perfectly captures the pain and bleak despair of stubbing your little toe on a door frame, there's nothing worse -- :D

.....

View attachment 122824

Oh I skipped the parenthesis. Now I have learned.

also here's some DSBM:

If there were more hot woman vocals and pics there'd be depressive and sexy for me at the same time. Other than that, the last music's intro made me jump off from my chair so fast I was gonna fall off :l

.....

View attachment 122824

Besides the point, Life is My Coffin, in the title, you say 'Trying to stay positive but I can't do this...' But why do you need to stay positive if you like these kind of musics/songs.?

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I agree that male loneliness is an epidemic that we should be taking more seriously and I feel for you all. I actively see men and their feelings being dismissed on a daily basis. I hate to admit it but I've even been the person to dismiss them, and that was before I knew what I know now. It's valid and understandable for you to feel lonely,

It's literally some of the worst mental anguish you can feel. It's not even like a horrible traumatic thing either is what makes it so underdiagnosed, but rather it's just numbness. Really bad numbness. And sometimes it's just so bad. Like really bad. Like I don't expect any woman to really understand it honestly. But it's painful as fuck and it hurts every day. I tried my best to refrain from making allusions like implying how women have it easier or something of that nature in my OP, truth is (this doesn't apply to everyone) but I'm almost completely affirmative that if I were a chick my life would absolutely without question be easier. Only cuz my misery comes from stuff that I know girls have it easier in generally. Both genders have its own challenges, it's just my biggest pains wouldnt be so goddamn brutal if i wasn't a male. Lets just say that. I try explaining that sort of thing, but ya know, women call anything they dont like to see online "misogyny" these days and I really dont want to deal with allat on this thread. I just want to express myself cuz i've realized now this isnt getting any better, since last year I realized that this painful emptiness I feel now is just my life now

Thank you though, thanks for your post. I wish a miracle could happen for me. It's really awful feeling so forgotten and left behind. Not many talk to me these days like they used to years and years ago. Nobody reaches out now. It's really disheartening

 

[UsagiDrop]

It's not even like a horrible traumatic thing either is what makes it so underdiagnosed, but rather it's just numbness.

I understand what you mean. A trauma is something that we have to live with but it can be worked on and eventually we can be healed, or healed enough. But loneliness is a lifestyle, it's a constant numbness, an emptiness in your chest that you just have to live with. And sometimes we don't even know how to heal from it. You could be surrounded by people but nothing would help until you can find at least one person willing to genuinely listen to you, hear you out and be there for you.

I hear you, and I don't think it's misogynistic to say things like this. Women have a better network for emotional support and this is just a truth of life. Men are kinda left to their own devices and told to "suck it up." You guys are treated like you're just here to stoically exist, make money, provide for others and die. I think that's pretty cruel and it's a recipe for creating unfulfilled, unhappy humans. You should be allowed to express yourself freely because nothing in saying that certain aspects of your life would be easier if you were a woman is misogynistic in my book.

I'm happy that a few people reached out to you today, but I still wish I could make a miracle happen and do something more, too. I don't think that you deserve to feel lonely. It's definitely not a desirable place for those of us who can't find our exits right now for whatever reason. If you need someone to talk to while your mom is going to be away, you can DM me if you'd like.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I hear you, and I don't think it's misogynistic to say things like this. Women have a better network for emotional support and this is just a truth of life. Men are kinda left to their own devices and told to "suck it up." You guys are treated like you're just here to stoically exist, make money, provide for others and die. I think that's pretty cruel and it's a recipe for creating unfulfilled, unhappy humans. You should be allowed to express yourself freely because nothing in saying that certain aspects of your life would be easier if you were a woman is misogynistic in my book.

I'm happy that a few people reached out to you today, but I still wish I could make a miracle happen and do something more, too. I don't think that you deserve to feel lonely. It's definitely not a desirable place for those of us who can't find our exits right now for whatever reason. If you need someone to talk to while your mom is going to be away, you can DM me if you'd like.

sorry for bringing this topic back up but i love how saying blatantly misandrist/femcel ass bullshit like this is just fine and dandy




But i can't even so much as even imply that girls have it easier than me or state that if I was a woman on here that more would be compassionate about my issues and struggles - despite the fact that I've lived and seen more than enough life to absolutely confirm that is a fact. But I can't say it cuz it's "misandrist" and not true (tell me how that isn't gaslighting lol).

I read a quote once by someone who I can't remember the name of but he said "Im not saying women don't have problems too but at least yours are being taken seriously." And that resonates so true

I remember years ago more girls like you would be around to actually be empathetic about problems males face. they'd actually agree with me. But now they just get mad and butthurt if I say anything like this. Just want to say thanks again for weighing in on this thread and i'm glad this thread didn't turn into a shitshow of girls making it about them.

If you haven't seen this video I really recommend watching it



Again thank you for your words

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Being male has its downsides that are often not acknowledged. To an extent that is understandable since women have been historically second-class citizens so attention ia on the female struggle but modernity has brought new sorts of challenges for men or highlighted latent old ones and there is a tendency to neglect these.

Try not to take those sentiments too.much to heart....at least on here. Many female members who end up here have suffered significant trauma inflicted by men. These responses may not be "fair" but self-preservation isn't about being fair.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Being male has its downsides that are often not acknowledged. To an extent that is understandable since women have been historically second-class citizens so attention ia on the female struggle but modernity has brought new sorts of challenges for men or highlighted latent old ones and there is a tendency to neglect these.

Try not to take those sentiments too.much to heart....at least on here. Many female members who end up here have suffered significant trauma inflicted by men. These responses may not be "fair" but self-preservation isn't about being fair.

that makes sense to me. i just hate misandry because ironically most trauma that has happened to me was mostly perpetuated by women.

I didn't think about it like that before

But I can't say it cuz it's "misandrist" and not true (tell me how that isn't gaslighting lol).

Also I just realized my typo here was supposed to say "misogynistic". can't edit my post now cuz too many hours past