Help Trying to get unstuck

[hwaiting]

I'm not gonna bore y'all with the details, but I grew up in a single-mother home with an abusive older brother. This went on for a number of years, between 1/3 and 1/4 of my life, during which I was completely alone. I don't want to say I learned how to be alone, because I mostly built up and reinforced self-destructive coping mechanisms.

Though I've left that situation–my parents got better and I got closer with my brother, and I'm in college now so I've literally left that situation–I haven't been able to shake that self-perpetuating loneliness.

I have friends. Friends that I care about, who also care about me. I've learned from years of people-pleasing that having a few close friends is far more rewarding and meaningful than being 'friends' with everyone else.

My therapist has told me that my brain got used to being in a negative space, a feeling that I can't really put into words other than that it was suffocating. Now, even after I've left that situation, my brain in a way defaults to that state of mind. Regardless of how much truth there is to that, I can't shake the feeling of suffocating.

Most of the time, it's nothing too bad. Just a perpetual state of melancholy. I tend to self-isolate for extended periods of time even though I'd like to spend more time with my friends. It's sort of a battle between a want and aversion of attachment. Other times, it's this debilitating feeling of suffocating, like I want to scream but I can't, and it wouldn't help to begin with. It's just, nothing matters anymore. Not my friends, family, aspirations, all of it becomes meaningless, and it's in these times that I've come closest to CTB, and in these times that I've harmed myself.

I'm on medication now, and have been for a while, and it's helped bring my mood up and make those episodes much less frequent. But the root issues haven't changed. It's been a bandaid, or dealing with symptoms rather than the illness or the cause of it all.

I can't imagine a version of myself that is 'happy', for the lack of a better word. No matter how successful I become, or how many meaningful relationships I create, no matter how emotionally secure I should be, there'll always be the depression that I've always had eating away at me. I was at one of the lowest points in my life around half a year ago, if that says anything.

So my questions really are: how do you do it? How do you recover from emotional wounds, now scars, that have faded, sure, but won't go away? There was this paid instagram survey that I came across a while ago, and one of the questions was something like: how likely do you think it is that you'll live until the age of 35? Something I've never been comfortable with is the idea of continuing to live like this for the rest of my life. But if I've learned anything about myself, it's that I can't change, that it's so much easier to keep being the same depressed, unproductive, self-hating person than to change. Because I have tried, and I'm tired. And my answer was 45%.

Sorry that my thoughts are so disorganized. I hope I've made some sense.

 

[manta]

Hello and welcome to SS!
Your past situation sounds very hard. I'm very glad it's improved and you don't have to deal with that anymore. It's really good you're in therapy and actively trying to feel better. It does seem like a part of you wants to get better.

There certainly is some twisted form of comfort that depression gives me. Thinking of CTB has brought me peace of mind in harder times. And when I feel better I miss the sad cozy feeling of being depressed. I spent a lot of time in my room where I feel safe but I know if I want to get better I need to push myself out of that comfort zone I've hidden in. I'm not ever sure my depression will go away completely. But I do know if I keep working to improve myself and become stronger, life can be good and worth living

Sorry if my writing is a little jumbled. Have a good one!

 

[hwaiting]

Hello and welcome to SS!
Your past situation sounds very hard. I'm very glad it's improved and you don't have to deal with that anymore. It's really good you're in therapy and actively trying to feel better. It does seem like a part of you wants to get better.

There certainly is some twisted form of comfort that depression gives me. Thinking of CTB has brought me peace of mind in harder times. And when I feel better I miss the sad cozy feeling of being depressed. I spent a lot of time in my room where I feel safe but I know if I want to get better I need to push myself out of that comfort zone I've hidden in. I'm not ever sure my depression will go away completely. But I do know if I keep working to improve myself and become stronger, life can be good and worth living

My concern is that even if life improves, there will still be those moments. I've always tried to avoid practical methods to CTB because as soon as it becomes an option, that's what I'll be thinking about. And when those moments come, that's what I'll go to first. I remember a friend who had attempted on their life several times told me that OD'ing on one drug isn't enough, you have to mix several for it to work. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I was in my kitchen with a pile of various drugs dissolved in my mouth with water, and I was just standing there waiting. I don't know for what, to cry since I've always had a very hard time crying, if I was still holding onto whatever traces were left of a childhood growing up in a Christian family, I don't know. All I kept thinking was that I was one second away, one movement from it all being over.

I'm glad you've been feeling better. I think, on average, I'm a bit better than I was, but I've been here before and I've relapsed before. I'm just here with bated breath waiting to see when it'll happen again.

 

[manta]

My concern is that even if life improves, there will still be those moments. I've always tried to avoid practical methods to CTB because as soon as it becomes an option, that's what I'll be thinking about. And when those moments come, that's what I'll go to first. I remember a friend who had attempted on their life several times told me that OD'ing on one drug isn't enough, you have to mix several for it to work. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I was in my kitchen with a pile of various drugs dissolved in my mouth with water, and I was just standing there waiting. I don't know for what, to cry since I've always had a very hard time crying, if I was still holding onto whatever traces were left of a childhood growing up in a Christian family, I don't know. All I kept thinking was that I was one second away, one movement from it all being over.

I'm glad you've been feeling better. I think, on average, I'm a bit better than I was, but I've been here before and I've relapsed before. I'm just here with bated breath waiting to see when it'll happen again.

I mean it's a good sign you're feeling better on average. If I'm being honest right before my first attempt I did feel like I was getting better as well. It is scary how fast our minds can switch up on us. It's good you're aware that you'll have those moments. I think it's something to talk to your therapist about so you can create a plan to keep you safe if your depression relapses hard again.

Not really expert advice but I hope this helps you in some way.

 

[ptolemaea]

i can understand your situation somewhat. it's difficult to be hopeful about your future because hope opens up the opportunity for disappointment. sometimes i'm afraid the melancholy feeling is my natural state of being, and that i can only oscillate between that and complete devastation. i don't think recovery would mean never feeling sad or hopeless again, but that you would be able to cope with those feelings in a way that didn't involve harming yourself. i can't seem to imagine a future for myself either. i feel as if i'm past my expiration date, so to speak. as if i'm not meant to be here anymore. when i was younger, i swore i was going to CTB before i turned 18. yet i'm still here. if thinking about the future upsets you too much, worry about the here and now instead. your only job right now, is to stay alive. as long as you are alive you will always have the opportunity to get better, whatever getting better would look like for you.

(unrelated, but your post made me think of the poem 'what resembles the grave but isn't' by anne boyer. if you like poetry, maybe give it a read.)