Venting Trying to get help is like trying to get blood from a stone

[Pinkliquid12]

I've always hated myself and have always wanted to get better. I wanted to be able to succeed after trying really hard at something and have hobbies and interests and passions and have friends that I could actually hold conversations with. I've been trying therapy and medicine and just taking one step at a time and doing my best and my family supports me. I'm relatively functional - I can take care of myself and maintain a job that isn't too mentally taxing and requires no skill. I've tried pretty hard and nothing has worked. I'm still the same person as I was 5 or 10 years ago. The only progress I've made is realizing that there is no progress to be made. I'm stuck like this, now and forever, and I can either accept this or not. Apparently my loved ones would rather I just accept it. Accept that life is supposed to be miserable and to work and then die. I, however, would rather not and it really shows how ignorant, how clueless, they have been this entire time as this is such an alien concept to them.
I told a friend that I bought sn and that I've been keeping it for a little while now. Since he was actively suicidal in the past I figured he'd have some quality advice to share and the gist was "It gets better". He's right for the most part - it does get better, just not for everyone. Realizing that has shattered me. It's a shame that I've got no other option.

 

[makethepainstop]

I've always hated myself and have always wanted to get better. I wanted to be able to succeed after trying really hard at something and have hobbies and interests and passions and have friends that I could actually hold conversations with. I've been trying therapy and medicine and just taking one step at a time and doing my best and my family supports me. I'm relatively functional - I can take care of myself and maintain a job that isn't too mentally taxing and requires no skill. I've tried pretty hard and nothing has worked. I'm still the same person as I was 5 or 10 years ago. The only progress I've made is realizing that there is no progress to be made. I'm stuck like this, now and forever, and I can either accept this or not. Apparently my loved ones would rather I just accept it. Accept that life is supposed to be miserable and to work and then die. I, however, would rather not and it really shows how ignorant, how clueless, they have been this entire time as this is such an alien concept to them.
I told a friend that I bought sn and that I've been keeping it for a little while now. Since he was actively suicidal in the past I figured he'd have some quality advice to share and the gist was "It gets better". He's right for the most part - it does get better, just not for everyone. Realizing that has shattered me. It's a shame that I've got no other option.

Its almost like you get to the point where you just let go and cease to struggle.

 

[almaranthine]

I too feel like I have been futilely trying to improve my life for years only to end up in the same situation over and over again, being financially unstable, mentally broken, moving one low paying job to another, one poor living situation to another. I wanted for so long to believe that there was hope and that things could change for me but despite my efforts, I'm worse off than I was all those years ago, having more trauma and being more of a failure. I hate myself for not being able to make my life worth living, and I despise the mental illness that ripped away the potential I once had.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I think the issue is that what we are experiencing is so deeply personal. Even if someone else has been through literally the exact same thing, they can't understand your particular pain, nor you theirs.
From this, my theory is that there is nobody who can help us. The only possible solution is to help ourselves, or not.

 

[conflagration]

First 15-20 years of your live decides who will you be till you are dead. If you were brought in existence by irresponsible parents, you are fucked for life. If you have shitty genetics, you are fucked for life. If random bad shit happens during your formative years, you are fucked for life. Existence is just unfair, cruel joke.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do hate the view that life must be prolonged at all costs no matter the circumstances. There is simply nothing wrong with choosing to reject life and for someone to leave this world at a time of their own choosing if that is what they wish for. At least to me there is no value in endlessly suffering just to reach a very old age and then just deteriorate and die anyway. I think that it would be different if those people were in a similar situation to you, I guess that after all we cannot see life from the point of view of others but people should at least respect the fact that for some continuing to exist is not desirable at all.

 

[justwanasleep]

I relate to your post. I got a card on my last birthday off a family member and it said something like - I'm so proud of you, you've come so far. All I could think was I'm still the same if not worse. I'm just better at masking it now and I haven't tried to kill myself for a while.

 

[UtopianElephant]

Thank you for sharing.