I am just feeling so confused at the moment. My SN arrived at the start of last week, but it is at my flat, and right now, I can't get back to my flat alone because so many people are getting involved and saying I can't be living alone rn and all the usual shit.
But at the same time, this is my opportunity to actually ctb and not just end up failing and sectioned as per usual. So the logical part of me knows I shouldn't rush it and that it would be dumb to try and consume SN under the guise of going to my flat for a few hours (which is all I'm being allowed at the moment) because I could easily get caught. I need a night uninterrupted to be totally safe.
And everyone is on my case right now, and the nhs are being very clear they think I should be in hospital but because I'm giving them no information they can't actually section me at the moment. But I am struggling so much to keep going and at this point I've been forced to resort to self harm several times which makes the doctors freak out and threaten me with hospital and so it is risky and I know that but I don't know how else I can deal with living in my mum's house, not knowing if she's trying to catch me out too, and lying to her face about my plans for the future.
And I've just been told my treatment (not that I want it) is being transferred to a psychosis intervention team. And this makes me so scared. Because literally since I became suicidal, doctors and nurses just say there is nothing wrong with me and that it is all a choice and I am just attention seeking and that is the only reason why I try to end my life, and even telling me they don't believe I'm capable of ending my life and that if I did it would be by mistake because I am that much of a stupid and terrible person. And this has made me feel very shitty and certainly reaffirmed that I deserve to die, but at the same time, I would much rather be just a really shit person than have some kind of mental illness that is not in my control.
And psychosis sounds serious, and maybe it isn't but it scares me that they have now decided that I have it and what does this even mean? And everyone wants to tell me that I'm paranoid but how am I supposed to trust that they aren't lying? it is so confusing.
And I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I feel totally floored, because my doctors have always been so clear that my problem is behavioural and it is just that I want attention but since I moved to a new area, they are now telling me those doctors were wrong, and negligent even, and that I can definitely trust these doctors and everything will be different now and Ive never had the right help before and things will get better.
But this seems like the usual script and I don't think any of these people actually understand the reality of spending months sectioned, or of watching people much older than me still getting sectioned, or seeing the people who have literally been in hospital for years and are never gonna leave. and that is not what I want for myself and I just feel like I'm constantly being scrutinised and everyone is waiting for me to slip and admit that I want to die so they can send me back to the hospital.
And it scares me so much that some people can just snap at some point and I think, if I can hurt myself, can I hurt other people? And some people will live for years and never hurt anyone and one day just snap. and what if I have that capability too? like what makes people kill other people and how am I ever gonna know if there is something evil in me and if I am gonna kill someone then of course I would rather be dead now so that never happens.
But I can't say that out loud to anyone. And it is frustrating because people keep asking me why the police would be watching me and following me around, and if I tell them that the police think I'm gonna kill someone then I am definitely gonna be sectioned. And even talking about the fact that the police are watching me has got people saying I am paranoid and that I am psychotic and it frustrates me so much because if I could tell them that I could be evil then they would understand that the police have a reason to be following me and that I am not paranoid, I am right.
So now I feel stuck in this impossible situation where I have the method to end my life, but no access to it, and I don't know how to get through this bit. The waiting is so hard. it feels impossible and I don't know how I can keep pretending but I'm just gonna have to somehow because there is no alternative that doesn't end with me in a hospital.
But at the same time, this is my opportunity to actually ctb and not just end up failing and sectioned as per usual. So the logical part of me knows I shouldn't rush it and that it would be dumb to try and consume SN under the guise of going to my flat for a few hours (which is all I'm being allowed at the moment) because I could easily get caught. I need a night uninterrupted to be totally safe.
And everyone is on my case right now, and the nhs are being very clear they think I should be in hospital but because I'm giving them no information they can't actually section me at the moment. But I am struggling so much to keep going and at this point I've been forced to resort to self harm several times which makes the doctors freak out and threaten me with hospital and so it is risky and I know that but I don't know how else I can deal with living in my mum's house, not knowing if she's trying to catch me out too, and lying to her face about my plans for the future.
And I've just been told my treatment (not that I want it) is being transferred to a psychosis intervention team. And this makes me so scared. Because literally since I became suicidal, doctors and nurses just say there is nothing wrong with me and that it is all a choice and I am just attention seeking and that is the only reason why I try to end my life, and even telling me they don't believe I'm capable of ending my life and that if I did it would be by mistake because I am that much of a stupid and terrible person. And this has made me feel very shitty and certainly reaffirmed that I deserve to die, but at the same time, I would much rather be just a really shit person than have some kind of mental illness that is not in my control.
And psychosis sounds serious, and maybe it isn't but it scares me that they have now decided that I have it and what does this even mean? And everyone wants to tell me that I'm paranoid but how am I supposed to trust that they aren't lying? it is so confusing.
And I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I feel totally floored, because my doctors have always been so clear that my problem is behavioural and it is just that I want attention but since I moved to a new area, they are now telling me those doctors were wrong, and negligent even, and that I can definitely trust these doctors and everything will be different now and Ive never had the right help before and things will get better.
But this seems like the usual script and I don't think any of these people actually understand the reality of spending months sectioned, or of watching people much older than me still getting sectioned, or seeing the people who have literally been in hospital for years and are never gonna leave. and that is not what I want for myself and I just feel like I'm constantly being scrutinised and everyone is waiting for me to slip and admit that I want to die so they can send me back to the hospital.
And it scares me so much that some people can just snap at some point and I think, if I can hurt myself, can I hurt other people? And some people will live for years and never hurt anyone and one day just snap. and what if I have that capability too? like what makes people kill other people and how am I ever gonna know if there is something evil in me and if I am gonna kill someone then of course I would rather be dead now so that never happens.
But I can't say that out loud to anyone. And it is frustrating because people keep asking me why the police would be watching me and following me around, and if I tell them that the police think I'm gonna kill someone then I am definitely gonna be sectioned. And even talking about the fact that the police are watching me has got people saying I am paranoid and that I am psychotic and it frustrates me so much because if I could tell them that I could be evil then they would understand that the police have a reason to be following me and that I am not paranoid, I am right.
So now I feel stuck in this impossible situation where I have the method to end my life, but no access to it, and I don't know how to get through this bit. The waiting is so hard. it feels impossible and I don't know how I can keep pretending but I'm just gonna have to somehow because there is no alternative that doesn't end with me in a hospital.
