I guess I keep doing that womanly thing, you know the statistic where more women choose the less messy ways not to inconvenience the ones in their life? I did that today I stared at the shotgun in our closet for at least 30 minutes just occasionally reaching out to touch it, I tried to figure out how I'd manage to ctb with it the barrel is long. Then spent other times googling trying to figure out how to load a shell into it. I hadn't touched a gun before like a month ago. Apparently, the model we have is known for jamming and it hasn't been shot in who knows how long it was my husband's father's and he's been dead for at least 16 years. I also couldn't figure out how my brains wouldn't get on everything we own. I don't want to ruin his clothes or even mine. I've thought a lot about partial hanging although I'm terrified of messing that up as well, I don't want to make things worse for myself.
I think the main thing holding me back though is I don't want him to find my body. I've thought of maybe taping a note to the mini fridge in our bedroom telling him to exit our room and to call for an ambulance that I don't want him to see me like that. But I'm afraid that it would make him come and find me and I don't want him to see me that way. Things were so much easier when I was younger and single although I had no money. My plan then was to buy a gun, go on the walking path right across from an ambulance dispatch, sit down at the lake and just enjoy it for a little, then when ready to call 911 report my body and then shoot myself. My thoughts were that the path rarely had people on it so no one would see me besides the emts and I wouldn't be the first or the last gunshot victim they'd see. But now? I have no clue what to do. I want peace so badly but I can't get over him finding me.
I think the main thing holding me back though is I don't want him to find my body. I've thought of maybe taping a note to the mini fridge in our bedroom telling him to exit our room and to call for an ambulance that I don't want him to see me like that. But I'm afraid that it would make him come and find me and I don't want him to see me that way. Things were so much easier when I was younger and single although I had no money. My plan then was to buy a gun, go on the walking path right across from an ambulance dispatch, sit down at the lake and just enjoy it for a little, then when ready to call 911 report my body and then shoot myself. My thoughts were that the path rarely had people on it so no one would see me besides the emts and I wouldn't be the first or the last gunshot victim they'd see. But now? I have no clue what to do. I want peace so badly but I can't get over him finding me.
