Venting Trying to convince myself to do it

[snowlance]

I'm so tired...I dont want to keep going on anymore but I'm too scared to end it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm living with family rn but they're threatening to kick me out by next spring if I cant find a place to live and I can't work a normal job because of my disability. I've been homeless before and it's been this cruel cycle where I try to survive everyday only to get so weak from not eating or taking care of myself that I go to the ER and sometimes go inpatient but the result is always the same: they send me back out to the streets and the cycle repeats. At this point the only thing I look forward to is hopefully getting on disability and living the rest of my life getting high and playing video games or watching anime. I've given up on everything else. But it seems like I may not be able to even do that? If I had the courage or guts to ctb I definitely would've done it by now. I used to be so strong and had so many aspirations but life just wittled those down until there was nothing left.
I've been declined for disability twice now and they say 3rd times a charm so I'm really hoping that's true.
And I have a lawyer helping me
Idk what im gonna do with myself if I get denied again. Parents said I'm gonna have to just suck it up and work but I literally can't do that when I dissociate from every little stressor.

 

[Ruru-san]

I feel for you soo much!! I don't understand how your family can threaten to kick you out even though you have a literal disability???
I hope you're doing alright and everything goes well though. I'm rooting for you

 

[snowlance]

Shit hit the fan tonight
Had this whole arguement and she said I wouldn't be able to do hrt and to cancel my appointment
Idk where to go
Who to go to
I'm still in complete shock rn
She made up this whole lie about when I was being kicked out and called the police to feel safe. She said she heard me outside of my room talking to my discord group and saying that I called them to see what my mom would do and I was laughing.
What The actual fuck I never did that
I was crying so much I could see straight
I want to die so much rn
There has to be an easy way to do it, to ctb, something, fuck, I can't take much more of this
I'm gonna see if i can get a knife maybe
That won't work will it, I feel so trapped fuck

 

[snowlance]

Theres no escape, I need to end it. I just need to find a method.

 

[Kassiee]

Theres no escape, I need to end it. I just need to find a method.

I feel the same way, my options are unfortunately extremely limited due to my location and because my parents are very sheltering.

 

[Hotsackage]

I'm so tired...I dont want to keep going on anymore but I'm too scared to end it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm living with family rn but they're threatening to kick me out by next spring if I cant find a place to live and I can't work a normal job because of my disability. I've been homeless before and it's been this cruel cycle where I try to survive everyday only to get so weak from not eating or taking care of myself that I go to the ER and sometimes go inpatient but the result is always the same: they send me back out to the streets and the cycle repeats. At this point the only thing I look forward to is hopefully getting on disability and living the rest of my life getting high and playing video games or watching anime. I've given up on everything else. But it seems like I may not be able to even do that? If I had the courage or guts to ctb I definitely would've done it by now. I used to be so strong and had so many aspirations but life just wittled those down until there was nothing left.
I've been declined for disability twice now and they say 3rd times a charm so I'm really hoping that's true.
And I have a lawyer helping me
Idk what im gonna do with myself if I get denied again. Parents said I'm gonna have to just suck it up and work but I literally can't do that when I dissociate from every little stressor.

You need to tell the disability bureau that, when the brain just goes in danger mode over the smallest stupidest things, it's not something you can just stop doing. All the best