Venting Trying to be grateful for life

[LonelyKitten]

As I awoke today, sick, but finishing everything left to me to the best of my ability, it is dawning on me that this may well be the end.
I have been unable to think of anything else to do but to hash out surrounding details of a completed ctb.

Right now I am out in public and need to stop crying, so I wanna get it out like this instead.

I want to make it known, that there is a lot of beauty in this world.
I am extremely grateful, that for all the horror I had to witness, I was both lucky and resourceful enough to draw out as much joy as I could using whatever I had, even if it was just bandaids, bandaids, bandaids, slapped endlessly on an unhealable wound.

I am extremely resentful, that externally, the entire world has been devolving into one continually more devoid of individual liberties, and is morphing into a hate-filled, dystopian prison for an ever-growing majority.
Nowhere is safe.
The science, the research, the advocacy is all there.
The will and desire for better is out there.
Nobody fucking cares.
None of it gets put into practice.

I can't watch so many people suffer, I just don't understand this world.
My instinct had always been to share what I enjoy with anyone willing to engage, because it brought me joy, I'd hoped they get it too from it too... Not to, make sure they can't have the same to laugh in their face about it (???)

If I could barely ever cope watching others suffer, from an arguably privileged vantage point at the best of times, the fuck will I do once caught in the snare again.
Not only unsafe from my childhood trauma, but stuck, powerless, constantly abused...
Oh, actually, I know this already - it'll be extreme social isolation and a strong tendency toward suicide.
You know, just 7 months of that caused my whole "get rid of Green Card to force myself to complete suicide" incident.

I am not going back to that hell. I refuse.
There appears to be nowhere left to flee anymore. I feel unsafe. I'm on my last legs.
I don't want to do regular sleep anymore, one that I can wake back up from.

I want to see more, experience more.
Because for all the hell out there, I am so fucking grateful, that there is. There is nature. Animals. Kind people. Diverse cultures and traditions. Nice clothing! Music, Games. Movies. Shows, animations, cartoons, books, etc. etc.
There is an ocean of treasures of beauty out there, infinitely larger than any single one of us could even remotely ever consume.
I don't get why we get hung up on so much petty shit! Petty hatred! Instead...

I'm grateful for getting to take a swim, at least briefly.
It didn't remove the pain, but for moments at a time, it could be forgotten.
And knowing that I'm going to my dream world upon passing... I guess it'll all serve as inspiration for more beauty to come.

And with that, the tears are subdued for now.
tl;dr: Thank you to all the artsy, creative, and kind folks, fuck you to the greedy, destructive bastards.

 

[absolutelyyou]

I like to remind myself that while yes- every bad thing that's happened to me happened, in short, because I was alive.... every single moment of joy I've ever had would never be there were I gone. It makes the nice things more peaceful and while its easy to recognize the bad, thinking this way has also made me find more moments of joy. Like today I woke up with a shitty cough and I just feel gross- but there were three squirrels on my porch this morning and I was able to hand feed them all a walnut and it made me feel such joy while still also feeling like shit
I hope as long as you are here you are able to keep finding those points of joy. Finding a new really cool band, seeing a weird fish, hearing all the tiny noises of nature on an otherwise quite night, good smells coming from a bakery.

I've seen your story and my heart really does break for you, I know my words hold little weight as a stranger on a forum but I'm so sorry- human to human, for the terrible traumas you've had to deal with in your life. As long as you remain on earth I hope you can find way to take in all the little joyous bits in the chaotic noise of our trash society and once you are gone, however or whenever that may happen, you are able to have peace and freedom from all the pain life has saddled you with.