Still trying to adjust. I can't stop talking, I can't stop needing people, I can't stop tumbling into things, I can't be hard on people like other people like other people can be hard on me because i enable people to be hard on me. I walk into problems, situations, fuckups, I wish I had been better with social media, I hate embarrassing myself, I have lost everything. I want to prepare for death but I think that's something I will find a way to fuck up as well, I hate being dumber than a rock, I hate the way I keep wrecking myself when I don't have to, I have fucked myself up so hard and I can't correct it, I walked into being scammed and I will probably fuck up any future attempt. I hate being this conflicted about living and dying, my death will affect people but look at it like this, when you had everything going and all you had to do was acknowledge someone and you end up completely fucking yourself up with people by doing things that you sense could compromise you with people and yet you just do it anyway because you're chronically braindead/too stubborn in yourself/too pathetic to just be normal and use social media to contact people, just like everyone else does, you have to ask the question - why the fuck you did do that? What the fuck is wrong with you? This isn't about me being hard on myself, this is me knowing I could have gotten something right and just did things I didn't need to do, because of my pathetic insecurity with social media, my self indulgent hangups with people that I encouraged, I went too far and there's no way but suicide but I'm still conflicted with it so I stay alive, I've torn myself up for life and I'm trapped as an easy target, a piece of roadkill that keeps getting run over, for fucks sake
