Venting Truly Pitiful me:

[MeltingHeart]

I'm a grown adult,who even last year was living an ok existence- some anxiety issues, money woes & related to that: insomnia but i kind of liked life- in fact I enjoyed alot of stuff- the simple things mostly-unfortunately a really negative, gaslighty, controlling, emotionally negative relationship - i didnt realise it until it was too late and the damage had been done- that I very stupidly stayed in- ultimately caused me to miss out on some really important life progressions that i have needed & wanted for years- & destroyed my fragile sense of self worth- & bought up loads of childhood wounds again-causing me severe breakdown- now i feel like ive become like a pathetic emo teenager (which is not meant offensively-it would be fine if i was 15 and going through a 'phase' but im not) - that could type one hundred pages saying " i hate myself and want to die" over & over & over ......i feel humiliated of myself- i am virtually an entirely different person from even a year ago- the only similarity is that i think alot, feel lonely and like i have no one to talk to (even though i did have friends last year-ive become far too much to deal with now-i wouldnt want to deal with me to be fair-plus i am rejecting them on account of how i feel) I could be gone by now if my SN hadnt been intercepted-stupid, stupid me!!!

 

[Passenger]

You sound like you're in a much needed transitional phase. You have taken the most important step: figuring out that the relationship you were in was toxic. That's something many people don't realize so you're already a step ahead. Plus you became aware that there are important life progressions you were missing out on.
Transitional phases are always the hardest and full of insecurities. Thinking a lot is a part of it. You can use this one to build a new base. Do you have an idea where you want to go from here?
And really, if writing 100 pages about why you hate yourself is what you need, then so be it! There's no max age for that. If you need to distance yourself from your friends, they should be able to understand.
You seem ashamed of yourself but it sounds like you want to move on and progress in life.

 

[MeltingHeart]

You sound like you're in a much needed transitional phase. You have taken the most important step: figuring out that the relationship you were in was toxic. That's something many people don't realize so you're already a step ahead. Plus you became aware that there are important life progressions you were missing out on.
Transitional phases are always the hardest and full of insecurities. Thinking a lot is a part of it. You can use this one to build the base. Do you have an idea where you want to go from here?
And really, if writing 100 pages about why you hate yourself is what you need, then so be it! There's no max age for that. If you need to distance yourself from your friends, they should be able to understand.
You seem ashamed of yourself but it sounds like you want to move on and progress in life.

I DO apprecite what yr saying - and a lot of people trying to convince me of the positives - like well yr away from that relationship now
- you won't make that mistake again - make sure u really tell people when yr in need or distance yr self from those friends that are not too great- u know what u wanted to achieve etc. I do appreciate people trying to say these things - but I've transcended the point of no return - I truly deeply authentically have no desire to live any more I do not have even 1% of hope left - i don't enjoy anything at all- not sure what had happened but s switch has gone in my mind/ soul/ spirit - I just want out . I really do. Sorry to knock back ur encouragement - weird cos I used to be so so easily cheered up and consoled -something has gone very wrong - and I've got the old classic "I don't even want to "get better" feeling" all
I wanted was my SN and that got taken away . I've never been an angry person in my life - but I am angry about tht

 

[Passenger]

I'm sorry, I assumed that you wanted to build something up because you mentioned life progressions you could have had but I misunderstood then.
Do you have any other options available where you live besides the SN?

 

[MeltingHeart]

I'm sorry, I assumed that you wanted to build something up because you mentioned life progressions you could have had but I misunderstood then.
Do you have any other options available where you live besides the SN?

I did want to progress at one time in 2018 but too much crap happened at a time when I really really really needed things to go right , which bought up & compounded loads of underlying issues - and they have come the surface in a to an over whelming extent - I know with 99.9% certainly that I can not have the life tht for me - would offer me contentment / meaning & some level of happiness . The only option I have not available is hanging & I hAve tried ALOT - my strong SI ( as with most I'm sure ) comprises extreme physical discomfort & profound deep fear and dread