Venting Triggers and sh as coping

[u_unoriginal]

I've been dealing with a lot of triggers over the last few months from my OCD and just general ill mental health. The last week and a bit I've been on jury duty and with the case I have been sat been dealing with additional triggers, one of which today being a photo of a wound, very specifically triggering my sh urges. Apparently some of my classmates have asked one of my housemates if I had dropped out as I have been absent to which she explained I was just on jury duty currently. But this question will also have come from my frequent absences before the break due to my ill mental health. Due to everything that has gone on in the past couple of months my weight has also ballooned causing physical health issues, and I know will present problems when I do return to classes next week. Suicidal urges have been getting stronger and unless I chicken out I will talk about with my therapist next Friday (in over a weeks time) as I should have been seeing them this Friday but can't because of this stupid jury duty..
Just watched a documentary that mentioned a Dr that was pro-assisted suicide and went down a bit of a rabbit hole googling and reading that has made those urges even louder as it's given me more ideas/ways to ctb than I had previously considered.
I'm just tired and struggling to see much point. I'm a horrible person and feel like everyone would just be better off without me. I have what I would need to do partial suspension and am starting to consider it.
Apologies for the ramble again...
Just trying to cope when I can't talk about this with anyone irl.

 

[dustoff]

sh is a bad coping mechanism. they sectioned me in a looney bin several times cuz i cut myself too deep n bled a lot. being there is more painful than any wound. an drugs they give for 'mental illness' make u feel like shit. it's better to switch to smoking or minimize damage as possible. for example if u used to hit beans switch to putting out cigs on skin. still painful but much harder to detect esp if doing it on less exposed parts of skin