Vivacious_Vee
Member
- Jun 17, 2023
- 70
Arrived early, have half an hour so here you are.....
From the ages of 16-17 I was in a very abusive relationship, looking back I think he could only get it up after beating me to a pulp and when I cried then we did the deed.... Why didnt I get away quicker, he knew everything about me, dropped me at work, picked me up too... I thought he loved me, I know know how foolish I was. but I was scared at that moment in time I kept it secret, because of feeling ashamed that I was making this happen, it was my fault, I know it was not me now, but I had no idea how to get out, then heard some place that you should not take to many paracetamols with alcohol or you will die, that stuck with me in my subconscious mind, i did not know it was there, but after walking into yet another fist, picking myself off the floor, I thought I can drink his cans and take some tablets, no one will know, I will fall asleep next to him and it will be over, I will CTB and never walk up, but I wanted to make sure, so for no reason at all, I just picked up a knife (must of been the larger?) and just sliced my arm, across the wrist (before some smart arse informs me that is not the correct way, or replies with a one liner saying, something derogatorily, there was no internet to check it up, I did not take or have any interest in biology, there was nothing like what we have now) and let the blade kiss my wrist. I was taken to hospital and had my stomach pumped, gagging as they shoved the tube down my throat. then watching the black tar go down the tube as I was puking out my mouth around the tube with them telling me it is ok??? After that, a male doctor whispered to me, some people arnt so lucky, there is a man 3 rooms down who tried this and is now unable to move, his mind works ok, but he is unable to move from the neck do wn, is that what you want? Obviously fucking not. So never done that again.
I was looking for an escape, and I thought I had one, for me, I do things there and then, I mean how hard could it of been to slit my wrists and take an overdose? I will say again, there was nothing like we have no, there was no way to know all the different things I could of done. Lucky for me, he was seeing someone else when he was with me, she got pregnant, so he went with her thankfully. That was how I got free. I did not think about catching the bus again, I had no reason to, I tired and had it thrown back in my face, as if I was foolish for doing so, not him for being a bastard. He had gone and my life was back. My friends came back and I made newones. There was no reason to catch the bus again. Even after I've been sexually assaulted or raped, never did I think about finding out my bus again. I do believe that is due to believing it had worked, meaning he had gone, if that makes sense.
Then this last week, searching online and coming across this site, I thought my prays had been answered, I spent hours and I mean hours, I research when I have an interest, I give 100% (yes to the smart arses who say you need more time) agreed yes you do, but that is you and wee are not all the same. Others might make mistakes, but you need to understand my mind is clear, mu sister (42) passed away from an overdose yeas ago, my cuz passed away last October from planning and planning and planning his suicide over months and months and burning his throat drinking something and stayed in hospital until he died as his throat was so fucked up.... So that did not work very well for him did it? No, so please stop judging me and let me find my bus....
I felt so good yesterday, have not felt like that since last year, I was back to me, all it took was to find my bus. Then I failed and my happiness stopped. I am know this has to be now, or I will get stuck in that BS again, just letting things pass, as the worse has gone. The messages telling me I am rushing into things and will make mistakes? No I am not making mistakes, I am finding solutions to make sure they don't happen again. The derogatory comments, oh your using a sheet, well thats why? Really, actually no, my sheet was platted so thick as a rope.
Lesson learned, dont read or reply to the comments. I want to get on my bus, if youre not supporting me, then leave, if I had a gun I would use it, no worries. Jumping off a cliff? after 3 mud runs, usual night between 20 and 40 foot??? that was something that took the most for me to do, maybe if I was younger, but I am not, so mute subject. Tried hanging. and fucked that up my throat is still burning, not as red so all good there any questions will just say got stuck in sports bra with strappy arms and have cut it up now. dont like BS but there you go.
I need to catch my bus today at the latest, or it wont happen...... Just got off the phone, have been offered a PT job, so looking like I missed my bus last night, I just have to endure life and what has happened to me, it is what it is then accept no one will be held accountable..... If only I had a gun, that would be so easy... If I find a way, then I will, there is still time.... not much, then it will be today, if not, I wish you all well and from the bottom of my heart I pray you all have your peace that you are looking for, but me, well I will be walking waving and blowing kisses at you all on your buses.
From the ages of 16-17 I was in a very abusive relationship, looking back I think he could only get it up after beating me to a pulp and when I cried then we did the deed.... Why didnt I get away quicker, he knew everything about me, dropped me at work, picked me up too... I thought he loved me, I know know how foolish I was. but I was scared at that moment in time I kept it secret, because of feeling ashamed that I was making this happen, it was my fault, I know it was not me now, but I had no idea how to get out, then heard some place that you should not take to many paracetamols with alcohol or you will die, that stuck with me in my subconscious mind, i did not know it was there, but after walking into yet another fist, picking myself off the floor, I thought I can drink his cans and take some tablets, no one will know, I will fall asleep next to him and it will be over, I will CTB and never walk up, but I wanted to make sure, so for no reason at all, I just picked up a knife (must of been the larger?) and just sliced my arm, across the wrist (before some smart arse informs me that is not the correct way, or replies with a one liner saying, something derogatorily, there was no internet to check it up, I did not take or have any interest in biology, there was nothing like what we have now) and let the blade kiss my wrist. I was taken to hospital and had my stomach pumped, gagging as they shoved the tube down my throat. then watching the black tar go down the tube as I was puking out my mouth around the tube with them telling me it is ok??? After that, a male doctor whispered to me, some people arnt so lucky, there is a man 3 rooms down who tried this and is now unable to move, his mind works ok, but he is unable to move from the neck do wn, is that what you want? Obviously fucking not. So never done that again.
I was looking for an escape, and I thought I had one, for me, I do things there and then, I mean how hard could it of been to slit my wrists and take an overdose? I will say again, there was nothing like we have no, there was no way to know all the different things I could of done. Lucky for me, he was seeing someone else when he was with me, she got pregnant, so he went with her thankfully. That was how I got free. I did not think about catching the bus again, I had no reason to, I tired and had it thrown back in my face, as if I was foolish for doing so, not him for being a bastard. He had gone and my life was back. My friends came back and I made newones. There was no reason to catch the bus again. Even after I've been sexually assaulted or raped, never did I think about finding out my bus again. I do believe that is due to believing it had worked, meaning he had gone, if that makes sense.
Then this last week, searching online and coming across this site, I thought my prays had been answered, I spent hours and I mean hours, I research when I have an interest, I give 100% (yes to the smart arses who say you need more time) agreed yes you do, but that is you and wee are not all the same. Others might make mistakes, but you need to understand my mind is clear, mu sister (42) passed away from an overdose yeas ago, my cuz passed away last October from planning and planning and planning his suicide over months and months and burning his throat drinking something and stayed in hospital until he died as his throat was so fucked up.... So that did not work very well for him did it? No, so please stop judging me and let me find my bus....
I felt so good yesterday, have not felt like that since last year, I was back to me, all it took was to find my bus. Then I failed and my happiness stopped. I am know this has to be now, or I will get stuck in that BS again, just letting things pass, as the worse has gone. The messages telling me I am rushing into things and will make mistakes? No I am not making mistakes, I am finding solutions to make sure they don't happen again. The derogatory comments, oh your using a sheet, well thats why? Really, actually no, my sheet was platted so thick as a rope.
Lesson learned, dont read or reply to the comments. I want to get on my bus, if youre not supporting me, then leave, if I had a gun I would use it, no worries. Jumping off a cliff? after 3 mud runs, usual night between 20 and 40 foot??? that was something that took the most for me to do, maybe if I was younger, but I am not, so mute subject. Tried hanging. and fucked that up my throat is still burning, not as red so all good there any questions will just say got stuck in sports bra with strappy arms and have cut it up now. dont like BS but there you go.
I need to catch my bus today at the latest, or it wont happen...... Just got off the phone, have been offered a PT job, so looking like I missed my bus last night, I just have to endure life and what has happened to me, it is what it is then accept no one will be held accountable..... If only I had a gun, that would be so easy... If I find a way, then I will, there is still time.... not much, then it will be today, if not, I wish you all well and from the bottom of my heart I pray you all have your peace that you are looking for, but me, well I will be walking waving and blowing kisses at you all on your buses.
