Venting Tried help and still feel hopeless

[dumblosergirl]

I have always struggled with anxiety, depression, and BPD. I never wanted to get help or try for it because I'm socially nervous around people and don't have the finances. Last year (2024) I have tried therapy and it was okay at first but I felt I couldn't be honest with my therapist and I ended up getting out. I then stopped treatment for another 4 months and then decided to seek medication. I don't have much hope for the meds as I'm still feeling suicidal and even looking up gore videos on people committing and practicing choking myself. I initially wanted to CTB via SN but I think I now want to hang myself. It's frustrating because a part of me wanted treatment but it all feels like a failure and I am a lost cause.

 

[KillingPain267]

Same. Treatments don't make me less suicidal. It actually causes more anxiety sometimes.

 

[OTanerd]

I respect any decision you are going to make.
In general, the therapy process is usually long and frustrating. I understand that you feel like it was a failure and there is no solution, but consider that this usually takes up to years.

 

[dumblosergirl]

Same. Treatments don't make me less suicidal. It actually causes more anxiety sometimes.

What professionals don't take into account is that when the treatment fails it feels even harder to want to continue living. It feels like you're broken.

I respect any decision you are going to make.
In general, the therapy process is usually long and frustrating. I understand that you feel like it was a failure and there is no solution, but consider that this usually takes up to years.

That's the unfortunate aspect to it. I know you have to keep trying to see what and who works for you and it's scary to wait and see how long it'll take until you have recovery. What if you're just broken. Failure just hits harder when you're trying to get help.